Child of mine

I just can't wrap my mind around the whole London thing. It is such a shock, and I do not have anything intelligent, perceptive or informed to add to the discussion. All I can say is that I hope some way is found to stop this kind of thing from ever happening again (yeah, that's realistic) and that the victims and their families know that the world is holding them in their hearts.

So about this child of mine...
Three is a damned hard age. At least, it's a hard age for me to parent. I do remember with Hannah that this was the long, hot summer-before-preschool. She got on every. last. nerve, and I'm pretty sure I got on most of hers too. Plus there was the whole potty-training thing to get through, and it's looming large on our event horizon now, and I am panicked.

For some reason she is driving me TOTALLY FUCKING INSANE. I'm not sure how much of it is that there is so much tension (mostly internal) when my mother is around that it takes every bit of energy to cope with that and anything else is just too much, and how much of it is just that this is a really, really tough age.

She has developed several annoying new tricks lately. She will ask me the same question over and over and over again, whether I answer her or not, especially if the answer wasn't what she wanted to hear. We remind me of some Simpsons episodes where Bart is doing this to Homer and Homer is just "No." "No." "No." to each repeated request. I just never expected my parenting to remind me of that particular show, but then again I didn't think my daughter would turn into Bart Simpson at the age of 3.

She's getting defiant; not so much in an aggressive way as a "testing" way -- doing stuff she KNOWS DAMN FUCKING WELL is wrong/illegal; going deaf when I talk to her; talking back, etc. I know this is normal, but my tolerance for any kind of frustration has been profoundly low for the last 19 months or so.

She's also getting very bossy and absolutely hates it when anyone is having a conversation that doesn't involve her directly and as the focus and subject, particularly in the car. She will order us to stop talking because she's trying to talk, etc.

When this is coupled with riding in the car with my mom, who tends to go into absolutely infinitesimal detail and side comments and run-on sentences about what she's talking about [I know *my* style is NOTHING like hers, NOTHING. Shut the fuck up and stop laughing out there. I can hear you. Stop that right now or I'll reach through the screen and poke you in the eye really hard.] and Emily yammering away equally hard from the back seat, it's migraine-inducing.

Also when my mom is here, I feel like I have to run interference between her and Jon (even when they're behaving perfectly well), and when Jon's not home, I feel like I have to tread very carefully all the time.

She absolutely will not, under any circumstances, ever give a direct answer to any kind of question regarding her preferences or wishes; she seems to be almost put out by the fact that Emily will automatically go to ME if she wants something or has a problem, etc. and so when I'm around she won't initiate interaction with Emily. What a fucking immature thing to do.

Actually, it's getting better now that Emily is older and is starting to know her a lot better, but it was like Mom just couldn't bear to not be the "preferred" one. Her need for validation, attention, and admiration is more bottomless than the most egotistical preschooler I've ever met. So having what amounts to two egotistical preschoolers on my hands all day is quite difficult.

At least tomorrow night Jon and I get to go out for dinner by ourselves. Between this grant proposal, his post-proposal-deadline collapse (he was so tired, and the fatigue and grief caught up with him all at once, so he was kind of sluggish and quiet for a couple of days), my mom's visit, and Emily's extremely annoying behavior, I am about to have a psychotic episode. The problem also is that I want time with Jon, but I also want time just to myself, and there isn't enough for both usually, so I have to choose. Either way, I feel like I'm getting ripped off somehow.

I think the thing to do is hire a sitter one afternoon next week, and go see a movie by myself, with perhaps a brief bookstore visit afterwards. That is usually equivalent to 2 Wellbutrins and a therapy visit.