Welcome to the 21st century

Yes, we've gone broadband. DAMN, it's fast. I love this.

Blindsided by a recent bout of depression which I think was at least peripherally related to January 31, which is the anniversary of Hannah's memorial service.

Last year was a blur, but I think I realized this year that THAT is the date that hits me hard, even more so than the actual death date, because I wasn't "there" for her death, if that makes any sense -- I was knocked silly and was out of it for at least two days, and my memory for at least a couple of weeks after that was completely foggy, as were my thought processes and mental acuity in general.

It was getting the memorial service together, and dealing with everyone's insanity and general thoughtlessness in the process, that kind of woke me out of my stupor. Even as I was driving to the church that morning I was in denial, thinking that she couldn't really be gone forever, but as soon as we were there I knew -- I couldn't pretend otherwise anymore.

And yet I didn't get emotional, at least not that I remember. I think my mind kind of skittered around the actual subject and focused on all the external details -- seeing all the people who came (the church was PACKED, they brought up all the extra folding chairs from the basement and there were still people packed in, standing, at the back and in the vestibule), greeting everyone, kind of keeping an eye on everything.

I wonder sometimes if people who were there thought it was weird that I didn't cry; the rest of my family and close friends cried quite a bit.

I just couldn't. It was so surreal, and in a very twisted way, it was actually quite nice to see everyone and talk to so many friends. I actually found myself enjoying the... whatever it was... wake? downstairs after the service. The service itself was just a blur. Jon's dad did the eulogy, and I think it was pretty good, but I don't really remember. I do remember a couple of the hymns, not by name, but occasionally they play one or the other in church and it kind of hits me then.