Almost six years

Well, December is upon us.

We had a terrific Thanksgiving. Gary and Nesha and Sarah and Tati came over for dinner -- I did the turkey and fixings, she brought pies, wine and the most delicious raw cranberry relish I've ever had. I am never ever eating or using the whole-berry canned stuff again. Even though my doctored-up version is pretty good, it isn't in the same galaxy as the raw relish.

Emily is in second grade and has totally hit her stride. Conferences were last week and except for the fact that she tends to be loud (i.e., using mostly an "outside voice" in class when she gets excited about stuff, which is not news to us), the consensus was more or less "she's doing great, keep up the good work, we absolutely love having her in class." That was really wonderful to hear. She's enjoying school, and the social/friends thing is settling down a bit -- being with those same kids year after year, I guess they are finally getting a handle on how to deal with each other.

The thing that's getting difficult with her is that lately she seems to be actively grieving for Hannah. She says so many things remind her of Hannah -- especially since the holidays started approaching -- and I'm trying to understand what it is that's different about her feelings now. I'm guessing that it's because she's starting to be old enough to understand what happened to Hannah, and to grasp the magnitude of how horrible the accident really was, for all of us.

She has asked so many questions about every detail about our hospital stays, the timeline of the events in the accident, if I remember anything about it. She claims that she remembers the pain and the impact -- I don't know what to think about that. She cries a lot about Hannah. The other day she said that if Hannah had never been alive then we wouldn't have to be so sad now. :(

What I'm concerned about is if, or when, she starts to question WHY she survived and Hannah didn't -- not in the factual sense, but in terms of maybe feeling guilty or responsible somehow. I want to be prepared and be able to get her whatever help she needs to deal with it, if it's beyond what I can do. I do know someone who would probably be very helpful, so maybe I'll call her soon and discuss my concerns and see what she thinks.

I've been feeling a lot sadder too, about all of that. It's funny -- Jon did officially get tenure, so that worry is officially off our shoulders, and it wasn't until right after that happened, that I started really feeling pretty crushingly sad again about Hannah. It was as though the whole getting-tenure rat race distracted us.

I even find myself lately hoping that some miracle can happen and she will somehow mysteriously be restored to us, as though she had just been away for six years and is now back to stay; I imagine the logistics of who would have what bedroom, and schoolwork, and where we'd all sit at our table. I haven't had thoughts like that since shortly after we moved here.

Maybe unconsciously I thought that once we knew where we'd settle (i.e., once the tenure question was settled), that everything else would be restored to us as well.

Some of it also may be that, although Max is far from independent, he is older, occasionally sleeps through the night, will stay with a sitter or the Y child care, will play with Emily instead of just clinging to my legs all the time -- so that gives me a little more room and time to face reality.