Weird stuff

Voices from the past
So, out of the blue I got an e-mail from this Classmates site I signed up on, saying that Kevin M. has sent me an e-mail.

He and I were close friends for several years in my early 20's, through another mutual friend (Gregg S.). We drifted apart after he joined the Navy and I (finally) started college and Getting My Shit Together.

It's funny, because I haven't exactly missed him, but on the other hand I was very happy to hear from him. The e-mail was dated just about a month ago (I think I've mostly bypassed all my other Classmates.com shit, so I probably missed his e-mail when he first sent it), and oddly enough, about a month ago I suddenly started thinking about the Fugs (we used to listen to their albums -- those vinyl discs with grooves that go around and around with a needle that transfers the sound to the speakers, for you youngsters) and started poking around on amazon and e-bay and so on to see what I could come up with.

One big thing we had in common was drinking together, a lot. He says he's been sober for 15 years (which is about how long it's been since I've seen him, and I well remember when he first started AA). At the very beginning of his sobriety, he made a point of telling me that it was my fault that he was an alcoholic to begin with -- especially since I am a little older than he is, so when I turned 21 and could buy, naturally I did. Later he backed off of that, but by then we had mostly lost touch.

A lot of people have come back into my life over the last two years who I had written off as long gone. For the most part I've embraced them (figuratively) and been glad to have them back, but on the other hand it's interesting when I do re-acquaint myself with them to see how much they've changed, and how much I have as well. Kind of like a measuring stick.

Another thing...
It seems that we might end up settling with the insurance company of the guy who hit us (well, his insurance AND his employer's, since he was technically on the job when the accident occurred). It is a decent amount; it means that Emily's college (at least room & board/books/tuition, no extras) is paid for, and that we might be able to make good progress on our retirement savings.

At the same time, though, I hate that this is even happening. Like there was some kind of price or value assigned to each of us -- Hannah, Emily, and myself -- and our attorney and the insurance companies have merely been haggling over it all this time. I like our attorney, personally, and he has gone far beyond the call of duty on our behalf, but it still just feels WRONG.

Then we have to decide whether to pursue the liability/product claim against the car's manufacturer. I really don't want to do this, but what killed Hannah was not just the guy hitting us, but the product failure inherent in our vehicle. For now I can't be more specific than this, until we actually decide whether we will pursue it or not. Not that hordes of people are going to read this thing, but I want to follow the rules.

It just seems so bloodless and impersonal. I suppose that there is no way any kind of value could really be assigned to this, and in any case nothing will bring her back, and that's the only thing that I want.

And finally...
Jon has finished his grant proposal, so after catching up on sleep tonight and tomorrow morning, he will be back in the land of the living. It will be nice not to have him walking around like a zombie. I know it's taken a toll on him, but on the whole he seems a lot happier here in his current job (professor at Youngstown State University, for those of you who don't know) than he was in any of his other positions. This, even though he said the last thing he ever wanted to do was teach -- he sent in the CV and application for this job about two days before Hannah's death, mostly as a "what the hell, it's not like they'll actually CALL me" kind of thing. Go figure.

Anyway, he seems to like teaching more than he thought he would, and does love that he can do the research HE wants to do, instead of whatever the company is trying to profit from. There are a lot of good people in his department -- I like them too, have enjoyed socializing and getting to know them, and one of their teenage daughters is now a very reliable and satisfactory babysitter, so once in a while we even get to have a civilized meal or see a movie.

I think we're both suffering a lot, though, with the grief (which hits him intermittently depending on how busy he is). Also our daughter Emily takes almost all of our energy. She just turned three, and is lovely, intelligent and high-spirited, but EXTREMELY demanding of our attention. She is an extrovert and seems to need almost constant interaction. Hannah was the same way.

We aren't able to get away together for an overnight, at least we haven't tried to yet, because Emily still nurses to sleep (which I am really ready to put a stop to) and is a little clingier than Hannah was. Not sure if that's an inherent personality difference, or if some of it is lingering effects from the trauma she experienced. It's hard for me to assess just how much of an effect overall that it has on her, because she can't articulate it (although she talks about Hannah a lot and asks more and more questions), and because I am in such rough shape that it's hard for me to see clearly anyway.

My god, this must be incredibly boring to read. However, it's quite therapeutic to type, so either bear with me or go find a more interesting blog (see links at right).

There are a lot of other things I need to address and examine and mull over, but I need to go easy on the bandwidth for now, I imagine. Besides, not sure yet who will be seeing this and how comfortable I need to become first.