2011, so far

OK, so, it's been over a year since I last posted. I never claimed to be a consistent or disciplined blogger (blah-ger).

So Dad's been gone for a year, but I still miss him. The anniversary was difficult.

I also lost my first, best friend Tom on November 3rd. He and his girlfriend LeeAnn were driving his truck (they were a long-haul trucking team) and something happened; she crossed the median and they hit another semi head-on, and promptly died in a fiery crash.

That doesn't seem real to me either. The only people I've known longer or better than Tom are my parents. I met him when I was just a year old. As adults we occasionally drifted out of touch, but always reconnected and always were immediately as close as we'd ever been. He was a friend of Jon's also and is indirectly responsible for the fact that we are together; in high school when he knew I liked Jon, he let Jon know that and kept encouraging him to ask me out... and here we are 29 years later (with a few breaks during the college years, but those are other stories for other times).

I have been in touch with his mom. It's distinctly odd that someone who was almost another mother to me is now someone I am providing guidance and comfort too. Losing a child is such a devastating, unexpected and singular thing, that nobody can possibly help you with this except someone else who has lost a child. So I feel like this veteran who is helping a new member of our ranks. She says it helps, and in a way it helps me too, both with Tom's loss and still processing Hannah's.

There was a small memorial gathering on the Saturday after Thanksgiving, so I went up to East Lansing for that. It was a remarkable trip in many ways. Aside from the fact that it was going "home" for me (though I no longer have a home base there), the memorial gathering turned out to be so much more wonderful than I could have imagined. There were old friends there and some amazing music courtesy of Tom's brother Glenn and some amazing musician friends; I reconnected with a long-estranged friend (Gregg S.) and as with Tom, it was as though no time had passed; I spent time around people and places that were as much a part of me as my DNA, and I also made a stop in Detroit to have lunch with an old friend/flame, Miguel. That meant so much to me, and I hope it did to him. I didn't realize just how much I had been impacted by him until we met up again.

We had a great Thanksgiving, with Gary and Nesha and the family (including Sophy and Adam) coming to our house. I made enough food for about 25 people, which was a bit over the top as there were only 10 of us, but it was delicious and we had a great time.

Emily was in the BWR production of The Nutcracker this past weekend, as a mouse in the first act and a candy cane (in the Russian dance) in the second. Rehearsals had been going strong since October and the week before the performance there were 4-hour rehearsals every night. Emily was magnificent, although I realize I'm biased, but she said she loved being on stage and wasn't even slightly nervous. I think the girl has been bitten by the performance bug. From a technical standpoint, she has a very long way to go (and needs to work much harder) in ballet, but there is no doubt she loves dance and I think is going to stay with it for a long time.

I can't express how proud and how deeply moved I was by seeing her be a part of this and perform so well. There is no thrill on earth that compares with it.

Things with Jon are very, very good. Long story short, apparently some hormonal deficiencies on my part (and probably 13 years of sleep deprivation/pregnancy/lactation/kid-chasing played a part) had pretty much eliminated my, um, "drive", but some bloodwork with my ob/gyn showed that I had a pretty much nonexistent testosterone level. She started me on a small supplement, and all I can say is, shazam! It's made all the difference; I don't remember things being this much fun since before we had kids. Jon is happy to have the old me back, and I am enjoying it as well.

Of course, there are still the holidays to get through. This year, the anniversary of Hannah's death is the same night as Emily's school Hanukkah program. It feels weird and not quite right to be doing something else (not focused on Hannah) on that day), but at the same time, I realize that that's a day of mourning for us but there are other days to honor her memory, like her birthday (in April). So, looks like this year we will not be in Michigan over that date, and it will be hard, but I think watching Emily doing something she loves and celebrating a holiday will help us through it. I hope so, anyway.