Well, I'm still pretty much in the same place I was last time. I hate this. It's hampering my ability to parent. It's disrupting my marriage and our family life -- not very dramatically, but it is taking its toll. Jon is far too good of a person and too strong to give up on me, at least so far, but I hate that he is having to go through this with me, when he has grief of his own, work stress, whatever else he has, and then on top of it all he has to come home and deal with me and my inability to cope. This is not good.
It is getting to the point where the impact of this bog of grief/depression/non-functioning is having almost as much of an impact as a physical disability or perhaps a chemical dependency would. And I really, really don't know how to fix it. I don't know if it's the meds, or if it would be worse without them. I almost feel like I need a new brain. I even wonder about shock therapy. I realize that's probably unrealistic and unnecessary, but the idea of getting an actual jolt of electricity almost sounds like it would help -- like maybe that's what I need, something to actually shake up and help resettle whatever is going wrong with me.
I need to find out if my therapist (nice sixty-ish white-haired guy whose appearance, conversation and manner don't scream "COMPUTER LITERATE", but I could be wrong) has e-mail. The idea of giving him access to this is a great one. I can't manage to share what I need to share in one fifty-minute hour each week or two.
Man, this SUCKS. I'm so, so tired of this.
