Hannah was born, and we became parents.
It was an incredibly difficult labor -- we were trying to do a completely "natural" Bradley birth, despite being induced, so there I was with no epidural or pain meds, Pitocin contractions that felt like I was being ground up inside, and total fear and panic -- I think it took a long time to dilate because I was so freaked out I was subconsciously trying to shut down the whole process. I had nightmares about it for a little while afterwards.
I'd willingly go through every second of it again and again, if we could have Hannah back. Even if we couldn't, I wouldn't change it -- it was worth everything ten times over just to have had her in our lives.
I don't know why this birthday is so much harder. Maybe it's a "milestone" birthday of sorts -- 10 years old. And seeing the kids her age at Emily's school makes me realize how very different she would be. Emily is right at the age where Hannah was, and reminds me so much of her, but even now I can see her starting to grow beyond that -- next year will be very different. I also just realized Max is the exact age now that Emily was when we went on our last trip with Hannah -- the Labor Day weekend in Chicago.
I wanted to go up to Michigan today but was so torn, because Jon couldn't get away and the thought of leaving him alone tonight is hard. I want to be where Hannah last was, but I also want to be with Jon.
I'll ask friends to go by the rock, leave a few flowers, and perhaps release a balloon or two. Hopefully I can get up there next week sometime.
It's going to be a long day.
