Just stuff

Still a bit in shock about my cousin's death.

I should explain that this isn't like a first cousin -- he's the son of a second cousin, from my big Texas Mexican-American clan -- his grandmother was my dad's first cousin. But they are all very close and all clustered in one area of south Texas, so despite the differing "degrees" of kinship I know them all well and they mean a lot to me. I spent time there every year when I was a child; despite drifting a bit from it somewhat as an adult, it's still a big part of my heart; of who I am.

I remember Omar as a young boy and then a teenager; he was very handsome and outgoing. Dad was very fond of him. All the kids in that family are gorgeous, really. My heart is breaking for my cousin Lavinia, his mother. She's had a rough go of it (partly through her own fault) but nobody, ever, should have to lose a child. I hope she gets the support she needs down there.

I'm feeling a bit sluggish and unmotivated. Some of it is recovering from the vacation; getting back to the school grind and such. We're coming close enough to the end of the year that it's more difficult to get back into the whole thing when it'll all be done in about six weeks anyway.

I'm looking forward to summer a bit; it'll be nice not to have the whole homework/lunch-packing grind going on, and Max is old enough that we can do a lot more fun things. Meghan will have the baby so Kendell and Lilly will probably want to have a lot of playtime over here, which will keep the kids busy. I am pondering getting Max started with tumbling and/or karate; he needs something like that to burn off energy and maybe help him focus a bit too.

I am nervous about kindergarten, though. It is going to be so vastly different from preschool; I know he'll continue to have the IEP and other supports he needs, but the classes are so big (mid-20's) and there's so much more structure. I need to set up a meeting with the principal and also see if I can sit in/observe some of the K classrooms so I have an idea of what we're getting into and can look ahead to see what might be tricky for Max and how to facilitate things for him.

I remember once while I was pregnant with him, seeing an MRDD bus and thinking that if he turned out to have autism or other issues, I couldn't deal with it. I just wanted an easy, low-maintenance kid. Well, it's like I had a premonition or something, because I'm pretty sure he is somewhere on the Asperger's spectrum, along with other issues he has, and yet -- it's just who he is and it really isn't the big tragic nightmare that I thought it could be.

Also, I find I'm beginning to let go of the notion that just because we went through Hannah's death and all, that we are somehow entitled to a cosmic "pass" or "break" where we never have to deal with major problems again. Maybe that means in a way that we are healing somewhat. And maybe, also, I'm learning that I'm not in charge, never have been, never will be, and I just need to let life happen instead of controlling it or wishing it into this or that configuration.

Of course, some of the things that have happened recently are unsettling. Some in a very good way, some not so much. It'll all work itself out, I know, but it's definitely shaken me up.

So fucking unfair

I just found out that my cousin Lavinia's son, Omar, died of a drug overdose on the 16th. He was such a handsome boy, very charming and full of life when I met him... he would have been about 10 then. I wish I could go down there to be with them. They're having a rosary tonight, but even if I could hop on a flight in the next hour I wouldn't get there until afterwards -- they live in a godforsaken corner of south TX so there aren't any direct flights. The funeral mass is tomorrow. I'm mulling over at least trying to get there for that if nothing else.

It's funny because I kept feeling like I wanted to go back down to the valley and see the family there; I was missing Dad and thought it would be nice to go visit the place again. I wish it had just been a coincidence. I like to think that Hannah is meeting her cousin for the first time now...

Why in the hell does this have to happen?

Pitocin flashbacks

Tomorrow is going to be Hannah's 14th birthday. That just blows me away. It was about 14 years ago at this exact time (4:30ish) that they decided to go ahead and start the Pitocin, after breaking my water and a few other things didn't get labor going properly. I had developed preeclampsia and they wanted to go ahead and get her out, but I was trying everything to avoid a Csection and they went along with our wishes. I felt nothing for about a half-hour, then the contractions went from 0 to 60 in about 5 minutes. I remember we were in the labor room watching Seinfeld, and one minute we were chuckling at it and the next minute WHAM, and it was full-on hard labor until 2:30 the next afternoon, April 17, a beautiful sunny day, when she was born. There had been severe storms and I think a tornado warning or 2 during that night, but I don't remember much at all -- it was grueling.

I posted this on her 10th birthday, but I'm thinking of it again... "It was an incredibly difficult labor -- we were trying to do a completely "natural" Bradley birth, despite being induced, so there I was with no epidural or pain meds, Pitocin contractions that felt like I was being ground up inside, and total fear and panic -- I think it took a long time to dilate because I was so freaked out I was subconsciously trying to shut down the whole process. I had nightmares about it for a little while afterwards.

I'd willingly go through every second of it again and again, if we could have Hannah back. Even if we couldn't, I wouldn't change it -- it was worth everything ten times over just to have had her in our lives."

 I can't even imagine what that would be like, to have a kid going into high school. I know she would be a beautiful girl like Emily. I suspect she would be fairly petite -- it looks to me like Emily is slated to be on the tall side -- but they would look similar, I think; slender, dark hair and eyes, delicate face, beautiful smile. She would be completely absorbed in art and creative endeavors, because that was her passion even back then. She would be a social butterfly but probably not a "queen bee". I don't know how she'd be on the boy/dating front (or girl/dating, I guess you never know) but I suspect she would probably have a lot of people who cared for her. 

She would be a fabulous big sister. She loved Emily so much, even when Emily drove her crazy. She was patient with her and loved trying to play "school" and teach her things, and one of her favorite games was to pretend that I was the baby, Emily was the big sister and she was the mom. It got pretty hilarious at times.

If we hadn't lost her, we wouldn't have ended up having Max, so that makes this a lot more complicated in many ways. But I know she would adore him too. I just wish there had been a way to have all 3 of them with us forever. I hate that he never knew her. He is starting to ask questions about her, mainly about the car crash; I'm not sure how much he understands of the idea that she was a big sister in the same way that Emily is. I know he will, in time. I know it will be different for him than Emily; he won't experience it as a direct loss in the way she does, but I imagine in some way he will mourn her.

I desperately wish I could go to Ypsilanti tomorrow and visit the rock, leave flowers, spend some quiet time and also visit our old house, her school, and just find a way to "be with" her again. It just isn't possible, though. I'd have to at least take Max with me, and Emily can't miss school right now (they're getting ready for stupid Ohio state tests and there's a shit-ton of homework). I hate so much that I can't be there. I'll ask Sandy to go by the rock and leave some flowers. I know she won't mind; she loved Hannah too and so did her son Dan.

It would be so much worse if we didn't have so many amazing friends who loved her and love us and who have never stopped giving us their support all these years. I think that speaks volumes about the kind of person Hannah was, more than anything. Her favorite song was one by Tom. T. Hall -- "I Wish I Had A Million Friends". I suspect if she had been able to live out her life, she may well have reached that goal and then some.