Just stuff

Still a bit in shock about my cousin's death.

I should explain that this isn't like a first cousin -- he's the son of a second cousin, from my big Texas Mexican-American clan -- his grandmother was my dad's first cousin. But they are all very close and all clustered in one area of south Texas, so despite the differing "degrees" of kinship I know them all well and they mean a lot to me. I spent time there every year when I was a child; despite drifting a bit from it somewhat as an adult, it's still a big part of my heart; of who I am.

I remember Omar as a young boy and then a teenager; he was very handsome and outgoing. Dad was very fond of him. All the kids in that family are gorgeous, really. My heart is breaking for my cousin Lavinia, his mother. She's had a rough go of it (partly through her own fault) but nobody, ever, should have to lose a child. I hope she gets the support she needs down there.

I'm feeling a bit sluggish and unmotivated. Some of it is recovering from the vacation; getting back to the school grind and such. We're coming close enough to the end of the year that it's more difficult to get back into the whole thing when it'll all be done in about six weeks anyway.

I'm looking forward to summer a bit; it'll be nice not to have the whole homework/lunch-packing grind going on, and Max is old enough that we can do a lot more fun things. Meghan will have the baby so Kendell and Lilly will probably want to have a lot of playtime over here, which will keep the kids busy. I am pondering getting Max started with tumbling and/or karate; he needs something like that to burn off energy and maybe help him focus a bit too.

I am nervous about kindergarten, though. It is going to be so vastly different from preschool; I know he'll continue to have the IEP and other supports he needs, but the classes are so big (mid-20's) and there's so much more structure. I need to set up a meeting with the principal and also see if I can sit in/observe some of the K classrooms so I have an idea of what we're getting into and can look ahead to see what might be tricky for Max and how to facilitate things for him.

I remember once while I was pregnant with him, seeing an MRDD bus and thinking that if he turned out to have autism or other issues, I couldn't deal with it. I just wanted an easy, low-maintenance kid. Well, it's like I had a premonition or something, because I'm pretty sure he is somewhere on the Asperger's spectrum, along with other issues he has, and yet -- it's just who he is and it really isn't the big tragic nightmare that I thought it could be.

Also, I find I'm beginning to let go of the notion that just because we went through Hannah's death and all, that we are somehow entitled to a cosmic "pass" or "break" where we never have to deal with major problems again. Maybe that means in a way that we are healing somewhat. And maybe, also, I'm learning that I'm not in charge, never have been, never will be, and I just need to let life happen instead of controlling it or wishing it into this or that configuration.

Of course, some of the things that have happened recently are unsettling. Some in a very good way, some not so much. It'll all work itself out, I know, but it's definitely shaken me up.