I got the call Thursday morning that it was a matter of hours, and frantically got packed and got a flight and raced down there again (I had just gotten back from TX a few days earlier after spending a week there because "it was a matter of hours" but I digress).
I was terrified I wouldn't make it, since I couldn't get there until about 11 p.m., but thankfully I was there in time, walked in around 11:30 p.m.
He was a bit restless and was fighting off an oxygen mask. When I got there, and they removed the mask and just replaced it with the little tube thingys that go in the nostrils, he calmed right down. I *think* he knew I was there -- I know he made eye contact and would periodically look over at me -- but he wasn't speaking by then and I couldn't tell for sure.
I sat and held his hand (it was very cold) and talked to him periodically. Now and then he'd look over at me and I'd just nod and smile and say, "Yes, I'm here... try to rest, OK?" and he'd lay back and close his eyes. After an hour or so he didn't look over any more. He was breathing quietly; sometimes there'd be a long pause between breaths and it would freak me out, but then another would come.
Around 2 a.m. I was starting to fall asleep and I thought I would just close my eyes for a second. Not 20 minutes later, I was awakened by the nurse and the aide coming into the room and saying his heart had stopped (they had telemetry monitors) and he wasn't breathing. Sure enough, he was gone.
I called my cousin and she got there shortly, and we sat and waited for... whoever, the funeral home guy. It was sad, but it was a relief not to have all those machines attached to Dad pinging away. He really did look peaceful.
Anyway, some chaplain guy comes in around 4:30 a.m. I still don't know if he was affiliated with the hospital or the funeral home... He talks with us a bit, says a nice prayer (my cousin is EXTREEEEMELY Catholic and I knew that even though Dad wasn't religious it would be comforting to her).
THEN... he starts rambling about some song that is supposedly played a lot at funerals there, written by "a native son... Kris Kristofferson!" (Brownsville, TX). I started thinking "oh dear God, please don't sing... please don't sing..." and then he whips something out of his pocket. I thought it was an iPod and he was going to just play a Kris Kristofferson song, which was bad enough. But it was a HARMONICA. He proceeds to play the hell out of some extremely maudlin wheezy tune (presumably a Kris Kristofferson song?) and I was torn between extreme horror and an urge to burst out laughing.
THEN he sang. It was horrific. I was petrified -- my cousin was clearly moved, and I didn't want to spoil the moment for her, but all I could think was that if my dad could see and hear this guy he would sit right up and order this lunatic out of the room (probably with a generous helping of English AND Spanish cursing), and that made me want to laugh even more. I was nearly choking, trying not to just burst out guffawing.
Finally he and his assistant and, I think, the nurse, gave us a few minutes alone with Dad's body, then had us leave the room and they did whatever it is they do to put the body on the funeral home gurney and cover it up with the fancy funeral home cloth/rug/whatever.
THEN we follow him to the staff elevator (because as he said, "We can't walk the dead bodies out of the front door of the hospital". No shit...?) and his assistant punches the elevator button. The door opens almost immediately, but Chaplain Dude stands there and proceeds to tell us a long, long story about how we should wash our hands, faces and lips after saying our final goodbyes, because bodies start to exude toxins as soon as the heart stops beating, and apparently this one lady in a family he helped take care of got deathly ill from kissing her husband goodbye before they took him to the funeral home.
AND THE WHOLE TIME HE'S TELLING US THIS HE'S LEANING ON MY DAD. I mean, he has one elbow lightly resting on Dad's chest, like it's a counter or something. I finally just interrupted him and said, "Dude -- could you please not lean on my father?" He immediately straightened up and without missing a beat continued his story.
By this time, I'd been up for close to 24 hours, so it was just getting crazier. We left the hospital, and I followed my cousin back to her house, and I was laughing like a fool all the way there (luckily I was alone in my rented PT Cruiser -- another touch of the surreal...).
Anyway, it was weird the next day or so, because I kept thinking "We have to get back to the hospital and check on Dad... oh, wait".
I did have a nice time visiting my cousins there. We spent time together, ate like pigs, and talked about Dad and told all kinds of stories. I ate nothing but Mexican food -- chorizo and beans and fresh flour tortillas for breakfast, enchiladas, homemade tamales, barbacoa, botanas... you name it.
I do not want to eat Mexican food in any way, shape or form again for at least a month, by the way.
Per his request, Dad was cremated and we are going to plan a memorial service down there sometime in the spring. Also, I was contacted tonight by someone at Michigan State University (where Dad was an anthropology professor) and it sounds like they want to do some kind of memorial thing for him there, and perhaps endow a lecture series or library collection in his name.
It's been weird. I'm still processing it all.
/blahgity blahg blahg
11.16.2010
8.11.2010
I found out yesterday that a kid Emily used to play with, from the old Mothers & More playgroup, drowned last Tuesday. He was at a day camp program and managed to wander away from the locker room. He ended up at the bottom of the pool at the day camp. I guess it was only 5 minutes or so from the time they noticed he was missing until they found him in the pool, and they got him to the hospital and made numerous attempts to revive him, but he didn't survive.
He was 7 (6 months younger than Emily). He has a 6yo younger sister, and then another brother and sister, 2yo twins.
I have been in contact with his mother -- we weren't super close but she lives nearby and we run into each other all over the place with the kids. She had actually remembered hearing about Hannah's death -- the Mothers & More national organization put it on their website, and we got cards from chapters all over the country, including Youngstown, which was partly why I joined it when I got here.
I so wish we didn't have this in common.
This brings back so much of what we felt when we lost Hannah. I know right now they're in shock, plus they have the other children (especially 2yo twins) that keep them going in spite of everything. When the flurry of visitors and funeral stuff and shock wears off -- about a month or so, in my experience -- I'll check in with her periodically.
This really sucks.
He was 7 (6 months younger than Emily). He has a 6yo younger sister, and then another brother and sister, 2yo twins.
I have been in contact with his mother -- we weren't super close but she lives nearby and we run into each other all over the place with the kids. She had actually remembered hearing about Hannah's death -- the Mothers & More national organization put it on their website, and we got cards from chapters all over the country, including Youngstown, which was partly why I joined it when I got here.
I so wish we didn't have this in common.
This brings back so much of what we felt when we lost Hannah. I know right now they're in shock, plus they have the other children (especially 2yo twins) that keep them going in spite of everything. When the flurry of visitors and funeral stuff and shock wears off -- about a month or so, in my experience -- I'll check in with her periodically.
This really sucks.
12.20.2009
MUCH better
We just got back from Michigan a couple of hours ago. Headed up there Friday, ate dinner at our favorite noodle joint, let the kids run off their energy at the Briarwood Mall playground (Hannah and Emily's old stomping grounds), had some cookies.
They had one of those bungee-jumping concessions near the center court, and of course Emily just had to try it! I'll attach a pic. She also wanted to go to Build-A-Criminally-Overpriced-Bear and make the Frosty snowman, but I think she got more bang for the buck doing the bungee jumping. I know we did.
Then we headed over to Hope and Sean's and hung out with them for a while. It was so amazing to see them again. They were our neighbors across the street when we lived in Ypsi, and their son Corey, 16yo now, was sort of a big brother to Hannah (and Emily) when we lived there. It's so weird to have to look UP to talk to him! Of course, they knew Emily last as a toddler, even younger than Max. Hope and I had a bit of wine and she was getting pretty sentimental, asking a lot of questions about how it's been for the six years that Hannah's been gone. I think in a way, spending the time with us and seeing Emily especially so grown up, it hit them hard too.
The next day we went to Sandy's house for a while. Emily and Miranda immediately picked up where they'd last left off, and Dan was great with Max -- which left Sandy and me plenty of time to sit and chat. Had lunch and relaxed for a while, then we went back to our old neighborhood for the annual Christmas party/progressive dinner, which we used to do back when we lived there. This year, the Haseys (the ones who bought our old house) hosted the appetizers, and Hope and Sean hosted the dinner part. We didn't stay for the coffee or dessert, but it was still great.
We realized how much we really miss our old neighborhood. As great as it's been here in Ytown, it felt good to be around people who "knew us when", who had known Hannah and experienced her loss along with us. We shared gossip and stories of stuff that had happened in the 'hood when we were there and since we'd left. We both were left feeling that the party was, in a way, much more of a celebration of Hannah's memory than even just being at the crash site on the date was. Everyone here who knows us well has been very compassionate and kind, but they didn't lose Hannah along with us -- our old friends and neighbors did.
After that we headed back to Sandy's house with a few pizzas, and the girls had a "pajama party". We sat around and chatted again and finally got everyone to bed, then spent the morning just hanging out with them. Steve made us pancakes, and Dan tried to convince us that Max needs some pet hermit crabs. Around noon we took off. Sandy had given Emily a bag of some of Miranda's old Junie B. Jones books, which Emily literally devoured -- in the time it took us to get back to Ohio, she read 3 of the books and was most of the way through the 4th one.
We made some stops -- Zingerman's bakehouse and creamery, Trader Joe's, and then Hannah's rock, where we spent a little time and neatened stuff up. That was harder emotionally than I'd thought. It always feels like we're leaving her behind, even though we're not...
The car DVD player made the ride much easier, although the headphones weren't working so Jon and I had to listen to Cars two times through. It more or less eliminated any screaming, though, so it was worth it.
Got home and Ron, an old and very dear friend from ATL, had called us, which was great. Jon is talking to him right now. I'd been thinking of him.
Thanks to the iPhone, we were able to listen to WYSU a bit on the way home, and heard our day sponsor message that we'd issued in Hannah's memory. That always helps, every year.
So anyway. Onward.
But I will say this: Youngstown is no Ann Arbor. And never will be. We are happy to be here and appreciate it for what it is, but it's a whole different planet from A2.
They had one of those bungee-jumping concessions near the center court, and of course Emily just had to try it! I'll attach a pic. She also wanted to go to Build-A-Criminally-Overpriced-Bear and make the Frosty snowman, but I think she got more bang for the buck doing the bungee jumping. I know we did.
Then we headed over to Hope and Sean's and hung out with them for a while. It was so amazing to see them again. They were our neighbors across the street when we lived in Ypsi, and their son Corey, 16yo now, was sort of a big brother to Hannah (and Emily) when we lived there. It's so weird to have to look UP to talk to him! Of course, they knew Emily last as a toddler, even younger than Max. Hope and I had a bit of wine and she was getting pretty sentimental, asking a lot of questions about how it's been for the six years that Hannah's been gone. I think in a way, spending the time with us and seeing Emily especially so grown up, it hit them hard too.
The next day we went to Sandy's house for a while. Emily and Miranda immediately picked up where they'd last left off, and Dan was great with Max -- which left Sandy and me plenty of time to sit and chat. Had lunch and relaxed for a while, then we went back to our old neighborhood for the annual Christmas party/progressive dinner, which we used to do back when we lived there. This year, the Haseys (the ones who bought our old house) hosted the appetizers, and Hope and Sean hosted the dinner part. We didn't stay for the coffee or dessert, but it was still great.
We realized how much we really miss our old neighborhood. As great as it's been here in Ytown, it felt good to be around people who "knew us when", who had known Hannah and experienced her loss along with us. We shared gossip and stories of stuff that had happened in the 'hood when we were there and since we'd left. We both were left feeling that the party was, in a way, much more of a celebration of Hannah's memory than even just being at the crash site on the date was. Everyone here who knows us well has been very compassionate and kind, but they didn't lose Hannah along with us -- our old friends and neighbors did.
After that we headed back to Sandy's house with a few pizzas, and the girls had a "pajama party". We sat around and chatted again and finally got everyone to bed, then spent the morning just hanging out with them. Steve made us pancakes, and Dan tried to convince us that Max needs some pet hermit crabs. Around noon we took off. Sandy had given Emily a bag of some of Miranda's old Junie B. Jones books, which Emily literally devoured -- in the time it took us to get back to Ohio, she read 3 of the books and was most of the way through the 4th one.
We made some stops -- Zingerman's bakehouse and creamery, Trader Joe's, and then Hannah's rock, where we spent a little time and neatened stuff up. That was harder emotionally than I'd thought. It always feels like we're leaving her behind, even though we're not...
The car DVD player made the ride much easier, although the headphones weren't working so Jon and I had to listen to Cars two times through. It more or less eliminated any screaming, though, so it was worth it.
Got home and Ron, an old and very dear friend from ATL, had called us, which was great. Jon is talking to him right now. I'd been thinking of him.
Thanks to the iPhone, we were able to listen to WYSU a bit on the way home, and heard our day sponsor message that we'd issued in Hannah's memory. That always helps, every year.
So anyway. Onward.
But I will say this: Youngstown is no Ann Arbor. And never will be. We are happy to be here and appreciate it for what it is, but it's a whole different planet from A2.
12.14.2009
This is just so hard
I still don't fully understand why this is hitting me SO HARD this year. I know Emily's increased awareness/emotions about it are a factor. Maybe so is the fact that we no longer have an overriding worry/pressure (Jon getting tenure) to distract us.
I haven't felt like this for a while. I am starting to revert to where I was during the first year, where on some level I thought that perhaps some miracle would occur and she'd just return, as though she'd been away for a while and forgotten to let me know she was going. I used to picture her coming in the front door and looking a little nervous because she knew she'd been gone a while and that we'd be freaked out.
I wonder what she would look like now? She'd be turning 12 this coming April. Would she be as tall as me yet? Would she still look like a kid or more like a teenager? What would it be like to have here here with Emily being a bigger kid and having a little brother too? I have a feeling she'd adore Max and be another kind of mom figure to him.
I know Emily has been wanting Deana to come play because I think on some level she thinks of Deana as being, not exactly a stand-in for Hannah, but just that because Deana's a similar age to Hannah and because she has always acted sort of big-sisterish to Emily, it helps Emily feel some kind of connection or like she's got someone in her life who at least represents what Hannah would have been to her.
I just remember how sweet Hannah was and how she was at that magic age, where she was still little enough to be really innocent and to believe in things like princesses and other fantasy notions, but old enough to care about other people and want to help. I can still hear her voice. Emily sounds a bit like her, and I will miss it so much once she grows beyond that.
I haven't felt like this for a while. I am starting to revert to where I was during the first year, where on some level I thought that perhaps some miracle would occur and she'd just return, as though she'd been away for a while and forgotten to let me know she was going. I used to picture her coming in the front door and looking a little nervous because she knew she'd been gone a while and that we'd be freaked out.
I wonder what she would look like now? She'd be turning 12 this coming April. Would she be as tall as me yet? Would she still look like a kid or more like a teenager? What would it be like to have here here with Emily being a bigger kid and having a little brother too? I have a feeling she'd adore Max and be another kind of mom figure to him.
I know Emily has been wanting Deana to come play because I think on some level she thinks of Deana as being, not exactly a stand-in for Hannah, but just that because Deana's a similar age to Hannah and because she has always acted sort of big-sisterish to Emily, it helps Emily feel some kind of connection or like she's got someone in her life who at least represents what Hannah would have been to her.
I just remember how sweet Hannah was and how she was at that magic age, where she was still little enough to be really innocent and to believe in things like princesses and other fantasy notions, but old enough to care about other people and want to help. I can still hear her voice. Emily sounds a bit like her, and I will miss it so much once she grows beyond that.
12.01.2009
Almost six years
Well, December is upon us.
We had a terrific Thanksgiving. Gary and Nesha and Sarah and Tati came over for dinner -- I did the turkey and fixings, she brought pies, wine and the most delicious raw cranberry relish I've ever had. I am never ever eating or using the whole-berry canned stuff again. Even though my doctored-up version is pretty good, it isn't in the same galaxy as the raw relish.
Emily is in second grade and has totally hit her stride. Conferences were last week and except for the fact that she tends to be loud (i.e., using mostly an "outside voice" in class when she gets excited about stuff, which is not news to us), the consensus was more or less "she's doing great, keep up the good work, we absolutely love having her in class." That was really wonderful to hear. She's enjoying school, and the social/friends thing is settling down a bit -- being with those same kids year after year, I guess they are finally getting a handle on how to deal with each other.
The thing that's getting difficult with her is that lately she seems to be actively grieving for Hannah. She says so many things remind her of Hannah -- especially since the holidays started approaching -- and I'm trying to understand what it is that's different about her feelings now. I'm guessing that it's because she's starting to be old enough to understand what happened to Hannah, and to grasp the magnitude of how horrible the accident really was, for all of us.
She has asked so many questions about every detail about our hospital stays, the timeline of the events in the accident, if I remember anything about it. She claims that she remembers the pain and the impact -- I don't know what to think about that. She cries a lot about Hannah. The other day she said that if Hannah had never been alive then we wouldn't have to be so sad now. :(
What I'm concerned about is if, or when, she starts to question WHY she survived and Hannah didn't -- not in the factual sense, but in terms of maybe feeling guilty or responsible somehow. I want to be prepared and be able to get her whatever help she needs to deal with it, if it's beyond what I can do. I do know someone who would probably be very helpful, so maybe I'll call her soon and discuss my concerns and see what she thinks.
I've been feeling a lot sadder too, about all of that. It's funny -- Jon did officially get tenure, so that worry is officially off our shoulders, and it wasn't until right after that happened, that I started really feeling pretty crushingly sad again about Hannah. It was as though the whole getting-tenure rat race distracted us.
I even find myself lately hoping that some miracle can happen and she will somehow mysteriously be restored to us, as though she had just been away for six years and is now back to stay; I imagine the logistics of who would have what bedroom, and schoolwork, and where we'd all sit at our table. I haven't had thoughts like that since shortly after we moved here.
Maybe unconsciously I thought that once we knew where we'd settle (i.e., once the tenure question was settled), that everything else would be restored to us as well.
Some of it also may be that, although Max is far from independent, he is older, occasionally sleeps through the night, will stay with a sitter or the Y child care, will play with Emily instead of just clinging to my legs all the time -- so that gives me a little more room and time to face reality.
We had a terrific Thanksgiving. Gary and Nesha and Sarah and Tati came over for dinner -- I did the turkey and fixings, she brought pies, wine and the most delicious raw cranberry relish I've ever had. I am never ever eating or using the whole-berry canned stuff again. Even though my doctored-up version is pretty good, it isn't in the same galaxy as the raw relish.
Emily is in second grade and has totally hit her stride. Conferences were last week and except for the fact that she tends to be loud (i.e., using mostly an "outside voice" in class when she gets excited about stuff, which is not news to us), the consensus was more or less "she's doing great, keep up the good work, we absolutely love having her in class." That was really wonderful to hear. She's enjoying school, and the social/friends thing is settling down a bit -- being with those same kids year after year, I guess they are finally getting a handle on how to deal with each other.
The thing that's getting difficult with her is that lately she seems to be actively grieving for Hannah. She says so many things remind her of Hannah -- especially since the holidays started approaching -- and I'm trying to understand what it is that's different about her feelings now. I'm guessing that it's because she's starting to be old enough to understand what happened to Hannah, and to grasp the magnitude of how horrible the accident really was, for all of us.
She has asked so many questions about every detail about our hospital stays, the timeline of the events in the accident, if I remember anything about it. She claims that she remembers the pain and the impact -- I don't know what to think about that. She cries a lot about Hannah. The other day she said that if Hannah had never been alive then we wouldn't have to be so sad now. :(
What I'm concerned about is if, or when, she starts to question WHY she survived and Hannah didn't -- not in the factual sense, but in terms of maybe feeling guilty or responsible somehow. I want to be prepared and be able to get her whatever help she needs to deal with it, if it's beyond what I can do. I do know someone who would probably be very helpful, so maybe I'll call her soon and discuss my concerns and see what she thinks.
I've been feeling a lot sadder too, about all of that. It's funny -- Jon did officially get tenure, so that worry is officially off our shoulders, and it wasn't until right after that happened, that I started really feeling pretty crushingly sad again about Hannah. It was as though the whole getting-tenure rat race distracted us.
I even find myself lately hoping that some miracle can happen and she will somehow mysteriously be restored to us, as though she had just been away for six years and is now back to stay; I imagine the logistics of who would have what bedroom, and schoolwork, and where we'd all sit at our table. I haven't had thoughts like that since shortly after we moved here.
Maybe unconsciously I thought that once we knew where we'd settle (i.e., once the tenure question was settled), that everything else would be restored to us as well.
Some of it also may be that, although Max is far from independent, he is older, occasionally sleeps through the night, will stay with a sitter or the Y child care, will play with Emily instead of just clinging to my legs all the time -- so that gives me a little more room and time to face reality.
4.30.2009
cannot.take.it.any.more
OK.
So Max is 27mo. He does not co-sleep, does not nurse at bedtime or naptime, does not nurse at all during the night, takes about a 1.5-hour nap at midday. He still nurses a few times during the day, mainly for comfort.
The problem is that he is not sleeping through the night. It's not just that he wakes up; it's that he is actively doing every single thing in his power to keep himself awake. He fights falling asleep at bedtime (and to a lesser extent at naptime).
Jon says that basically it seems like Max is incapable of sleeping for more than 3-4 hours at a stretch -- at the absolute maximum. I can think of maybe four times in his 2 years that he's made it longer than that.
We have been consistently doing Ferber-style CIO with him when he wakes up. Before that we were going in and sitting next to the crib and just "shh"-ing or sitting quietly until he settled himself back down.
For a while that seemed to work, in the sense that he'd resettle reasonably quickly (less than half an hour). However, it has been getting worse and worse and worse, which is why we've gone to Ferber. That has made no difference.
Last night I was awake from 1 a.m. to 4 a.m., then up for the day at 6:30. We are FRIED.
We're starting to wonder if there is, maybe, possibly...? some kind of neuro or biochemical problem with him? I know he's still pretty young, but it seems like his sleep is getting worse with time and not better. I have gathered over the years that sometimes kids on the autism spectrum or with other neuro or developmental issues have trouble falling/staying asleep.
Other than being slightly delayed with speech (at least imo, based on what i've seen of other boys his age like Nicky/Ethan/Eli), I am not seeing anything that would make me immediately have red flags for other issues. He is going through a pretty big surge verbally, so while he's still behind (imo) he's making progress.
I am at the point where I want to ask our pediatrician about this, but I'm not sure how to approach it. I don't want to get brushed off with "he's just spoiled/let him CIO", but on the other hand I don't want to come in with an agenda about possible neuro/biochem issues either.
We are absolutely at the limits of our ability to cope. We are SO TIRED. Since he is otherwise fine/happy/developing more or less normally, we are absolutely baffled as to what may be going on (if anything).
/novel
Talk me down, laugh and point, validate my concerns -- whatever. Jon and I are just completely confused as to what to do about this, if anything.
So Max is 27mo. He does not co-sleep, does not nurse at bedtime or naptime, does not nurse at all during the night, takes about a 1.5-hour nap at midday. He still nurses a few times during the day, mainly for comfort.
The problem is that he is not sleeping through the night. It's not just that he wakes up; it's that he is actively doing every single thing in his power to keep himself awake. He fights falling asleep at bedtime (and to a lesser extent at naptime).
Jon says that basically it seems like Max is incapable of sleeping for more than 3-4 hours at a stretch -- at the absolute maximum. I can think of maybe four times in his 2 years that he's made it longer than that.
We have been consistently doing Ferber-style CIO with him when he wakes up. Before that we were going in and sitting next to the crib and just "shh"-ing or sitting quietly until he settled himself back down.
For a while that seemed to work, in the sense that he'd resettle reasonably quickly (less than half an hour). However, it has been getting worse and worse and worse, which is why we've gone to Ferber. That has made no difference.
Last night I was awake from 1 a.m. to 4 a.m., then up for the day at 6:30. We are FRIED.
We're starting to wonder if there is, maybe, possibly...? some kind of neuro or biochemical problem with him? I know he's still pretty young, but it seems like his sleep is getting worse with time and not better. I have gathered over the years that sometimes kids on the autism spectrum or with other neuro or developmental issues have trouble falling/staying asleep.
Other than being slightly delayed with speech (at least imo, based on what i've seen of other boys his age like Nicky/Ethan/Eli), I am not seeing anything that would make me immediately have red flags for other issues. He is going through a pretty big surge verbally, so while he's still behind (imo) he's making progress.
I am at the point where I want to ask our pediatrician about this, but I'm not sure how to approach it. I don't want to get brushed off with "he's just spoiled/let him CIO", but on the other hand I don't want to come in with an agenda about possible neuro/biochem issues either.
We are absolutely at the limits of our ability to cope. We are SO TIRED. Since he is otherwise fine/happy/developing more or less normally, we are absolutely baffled as to what may be going on (if anything).
/novel
Talk me down, laugh and point, validate my concerns -- whatever. Jon and I are just completely confused as to what to do about this, if anything.
4.17.2009
Happy 11th birthday!
This is Hannah sitting in the rocker with Emily, and shows her habitual expression, full of energy and joy.It was a gorgeous day just like this, around this time of day, when she was born. I like that her birthday is such an integral part of spring, usually right when all the trees are bursting into full bloom.
I was a mess last night, but feel better today. We're making cupcakes to decorate later, and Emily and my mom are playing outside making a "fair". I'll head on out with Max to see what's going on once the cupcakes are out of the oven.
11 years old! I can't even imagine what she might be like. She'd be more preteen than child; maybe even as tall as I am. I wish she was still here to be Emily's big sister and to dote on Max, but her spirit does still remain and permeate everything.
4.07.2009
There but for the grace of [insert deity/force here]...
The whole thing with Natasha Richardson's accident (and the several other reported case stories of epidural hematoma that, predictably, appeared in the news for a couple of weeks after that) has really brought some of the stuff back to me.
Mostly I have no recollection of the accident. I *think* I have a vague impression of being sort of slumped down, nose to nose with the radio console, and mumbling my phone number to someone. Also, I think I have a brief recollection of being maybe in the ER and complaining that my head hurt and being afraid to go to sleep.
Jon remembers that I was kind of disoriented when he got to the ER, and that I didn't really seem to understand when he told me about Hannah's death and the accident. He said I kept asking him "Are you sure we can stay together?" I don't know what my thoughts could have been at the time, although I'm guessing maybe I just couldn't process it.
He said they had advised him not to tell me about Hannah before I went into surgery, but I am glad he did what HE needed to do about that. I can't imagine how it would have been for him not to tell me; like he was all alone with it.
So they gave him a ton of forms to sign, and apparently made a very big point of telling him that they could not give him any idea of how I would come through the surgery -- that I may be just fine, or I could be completely disabled, or brain-damaged on maybe a 5yo level. If I survived. He had to sign the forms quickly because I guess I started to deteriorate rapidly (going from being more or less lucid to starting to lose consciousness) and then I went right into surgery.
My mind tends to skitter away from the thought of what he must have endured at that point, to find out within a 10-minute space of time that Hannah was dead, Emily seriously injured, and that I might very well die or be disabled. Luckily, the rector from our church was there, and I guess they had a social worker there too. I think my mom got there at some point in the afternoon, but I don't know for sure.
My mom's version of events is pretty similar to Jon's (probably the one time in history that that will ever happen!). She said that I came pretty close to dying, I suppose because I started that decline just before they got me to surgery. She is convinced that if we had been further from the hospital, or had not had such expert care once there (the U of M medical center vs., say, Youngstown quacks) I would not be here now.
I read a number of the articles about Natasha Richardson's accident and death and memorial service, and I remember feeling so devastated on her mother's behalf, especially. I never thought I'd have something in common with Vanessa Redgrave, and I sure wish that if I did, it would have been something other than losing our daughters. My heart breaks for Natasha's sons and her husband, too, but there was something about her mother's face in one of the photos; I just wished I could have reached out to her. And I felt almost angry that I got to survive, but someone else didn't, and she could so easily have been saved.
Anyway, as you can tell since you're reading this and I'm writing this in a more or less coherent fashion, I came out OK.
At least I think so.
I do notice some changes, but nothing that I could attribute specifically to the injury.
During the first year after the accident, I had a lot of short-term memory lapses. I also found that I couldn't multi-task or process multiple streams of information, which had been a strong point of mine before.
On the other hand, during that same year I was: grieving for Hannah, helping Emily heal from her wounds, standing by Jon during his job search, learning that we were going to move, getting the house ready to sell, leaving our home, moving to a totally new area, and helping Jon adjust to not just a new job, but what amounted to a career change.
So what with dealing with all those significant life stresses/events, who knows?
I do remember shortly after we moved here, Jon was putting together a set of exams. He wanted to make four separate sets in which the questions/answers were shuffled, in order to cut down on cheating. He asked me if I could help him do that, and I offered to because in the past, it was the kind of thing I could do very quickly and easily -- far more so than he could.
But I got started on it and realized I was totally confused, and just couldn't process what I was trying to do. I felt really agitated and upset, because I was not used to having any difficulty with that kind of thing. In the end, we did it together, but it took me far longer than it would have before the accident.
I do think I have struggled a lot harder with depression since then, and I'm not altogether sure there isn't a physiological reason along with the obvious situational things. I notice also that it's still harder for me to stay on top of just basic organizational functions -- the combination of Emily's school stuff, regular things like bills, housework, anything long-term -- I seem to be somewhat paralyzed. I don't know how to overcome it, and it doesn't help that right now Jon is absolutely slaving away to make sure he gets the tenure requirements fulfilled.
And I do think maybe I'm in a new stage -- I really do have two KIDS now. This is something new, because the last time I had two, Emily was still really a baby (18mo); where now Max is over 2yo and more verbal (barely) and not just the baby along for the ride. We're dealing with the two different appetites/preferences at meals, the thing where if one kid has something the other one HAS to have it, the juggling of things appropriate for one age or another. With Emily that wasn't an issue, though I could see we were headed that way.
Mostly I have no recollection of the accident. I *think* I have a vague impression of being sort of slumped down, nose to nose with the radio console, and mumbling my phone number to someone. Also, I think I have a brief recollection of being maybe in the ER and complaining that my head hurt and being afraid to go to sleep.
Jon remembers that I was kind of disoriented when he got to the ER, and that I didn't really seem to understand when he told me about Hannah's death and the accident. He said I kept asking him "Are you sure we can stay together?" I don't know what my thoughts could have been at the time, although I'm guessing maybe I just couldn't process it.
He said they had advised him not to tell me about Hannah before I went into surgery, but I am glad he did what HE needed to do about that. I can't imagine how it would have been for him not to tell me; like he was all alone with it.
So they gave him a ton of forms to sign, and apparently made a very big point of telling him that they could not give him any idea of how I would come through the surgery -- that I may be just fine, or I could be completely disabled, or brain-damaged on maybe a 5yo level. If I survived. He had to sign the forms quickly because I guess I started to deteriorate rapidly (going from being more or less lucid to starting to lose consciousness) and then I went right into surgery.
My mind tends to skitter away from the thought of what he must have endured at that point, to find out within a 10-minute space of time that Hannah was dead, Emily seriously injured, and that I might very well die or be disabled. Luckily, the rector from our church was there, and I guess they had a social worker there too. I think my mom got there at some point in the afternoon, but I don't know for sure.
My mom's version of events is pretty similar to Jon's (probably the one time in history that that will ever happen!). She said that I came pretty close to dying, I suppose because I started that decline just before they got me to surgery. She is convinced that if we had been further from the hospital, or had not had such expert care once there (the U of M medical center vs., say, Youngstown quacks) I would not be here now.
I read a number of the articles about Natasha Richardson's accident and death and memorial service, and I remember feeling so devastated on her mother's behalf, especially. I never thought I'd have something in common with Vanessa Redgrave, and I sure wish that if I did, it would have been something other than losing our daughters. My heart breaks for Natasha's sons and her husband, too, but there was something about her mother's face in one of the photos; I just wished I could have reached out to her. And I felt almost angry that I got to survive, but someone else didn't, and she could so easily have been saved.
Anyway, as you can tell since you're reading this and I'm writing this in a more or less coherent fashion, I came out OK.
At least I think so.
I do notice some changes, but nothing that I could attribute specifically to the injury.
During the first year after the accident, I had a lot of short-term memory lapses. I also found that I couldn't multi-task or process multiple streams of information, which had been a strong point of mine before.
On the other hand, during that same year I was: grieving for Hannah, helping Emily heal from her wounds, standing by Jon during his job search, learning that we were going to move, getting the house ready to sell, leaving our home, moving to a totally new area, and helping Jon adjust to not just a new job, but what amounted to a career change.
So what with dealing with all those significant life stresses/events, who knows?
I do remember shortly after we moved here, Jon was putting together a set of exams. He wanted to make four separate sets in which the questions/answers were shuffled, in order to cut down on cheating. He asked me if I could help him do that, and I offered to because in the past, it was the kind of thing I could do very quickly and easily -- far more so than he could.
But I got started on it and realized I was totally confused, and just couldn't process what I was trying to do. I felt really agitated and upset, because I was not used to having any difficulty with that kind of thing. In the end, we did it together, but it took me far longer than it would have before the accident.
I do think I have struggled a lot harder with depression since then, and I'm not altogether sure there isn't a physiological reason along with the obvious situational things. I notice also that it's still harder for me to stay on top of just basic organizational functions -- the combination of Emily's school stuff, regular things like bills, housework, anything long-term -- I seem to be somewhat paralyzed. I don't know how to overcome it, and it doesn't help that right now Jon is absolutely slaving away to make sure he gets the tenure requirements fulfilled.
And I do think maybe I'm in a new stage -- I really do have two KIDS now. This is something new, because the last time I had two, Emily was still really a baby (18mo); where now Max is over 2yo and more verbal (barely) and not just the baby along for the ride. We're dealing with the two different appetites/preferences at meals, the thing where if one kid has something the other one HAS to have it, the juggling of things appropriate for one age or another. With Emily that wasn't an issue, though I could see we were headed that way.
1.14.2009
Harpy New Year
I'm still in this crabby stage, and not sure how to shake it. The holidays were good, and things are going OK, but I'm sort of irrationally annoyed at everyone in the world who isn't worried about job security or who doesn't have a nursing toddler. I think that's my cue to start calling people and get off my ass and stop feeling sorry for myself.
I also need to get out of town. Way overdue for a visit to MI, or even a Trader Joe's run to Cleveland.
Everyone out there who prays at all, keep praying for Jon to get tenure. He's submitted one paper (twice so far, no dice) and is working on another, and doesn't have to apply until this fall, but I am just paralyzed with dread about all the what-ifs. Nobody else in the dept. had to fulfill the tenure requirements, and they all keep assuring him that it's no big deal, but to us it is. I keep feeling that it's because they haven't dealt with job insecurity or significant losses of any kind for years, whereas we have been through both of those (at the same time) fairly recently. I just want to shake them until their necks snap.
I also need to get out of town. Way overdue for a visit to MI, or even a Trader Joe's run to Cleveland.
Everyone out there who prays at all, keep praying for Jon to get tenure. He's submitted one paper (twice so far, no dice) and is working on another, and doesn't have to apply until this fall, but I am just paralyzed with dread about all the what-ifs. Nobody else in the dept. had to fulfill the tenure requirements, and they all keep assuring him that it's no big deal, but to us it is. I keep feeling that it's because they haven't dealt with job insecurity or significant losses of any kind for years, whereas we have been through both of those (at the same time) fairly recently. I just want to shake them until their necks snap.
12.20.2008
exactly five years ago, give or take a few minutes
our lives changed forever. I didn't even know it at the time. One minute I was driving down Whittaker road towards I-94, kids in the back babbling; I saw the light was red and a few cars were already ahead of me at the intersection.
The next minute, although it felt sort of like the next very slow half-hour, it was about two days later; I was in the hospital and vaguely sensed that something was horribly wrong, and that I needed to fix it somehow and there was this sense of urgency, but I couldn't really put a finger on it; I was also confused about where I was and why I was in the hospital. It seemed kind of dark in my room, and people were drifting in and out. I especially remember my friend Sandy sniffling a lot, and I don't know if she was crying or if she had a cold. Perhaps both.
It really wasn't until the night of the 24th, after I had been discharged and was in the MedInn (the sort of in-house hotel at the U of M medical center) that it really hit me.
Every year is hard, although this year is the first time we didn't go up to MI to be at the crash scene at the time of the accident. I had all kinds of medical misadventures early this week, and as a result we're extreeeeeemely far behind on things like cleaning, wrapping, xmas grocery shopping. Plus my mom is going to be here Monday. So we decided, reluctantly, to stay up here for this weekend, and we'll head to MI the first weekend in January.
We realized last night that the trip to MI, the stays with friends and visits to old favorite haunts in A2 and Ypsi, distract us somehow from the actual sadness of the day. However, being here underscores it. Last night we were absolutely floundering -- we desperately needed some company/support/something to get us through, but nobody around here is available for that kind of thing -- they're with their own families, or out w/friends, or just not quite the kind of friends that we can ask for this kind of support from.
Then too, the friends here, although they do care and understand that this is a hard time for us, don't experience it the same way because it is not a loss for them; whereas for Sandy and other friends in MI, they knew and loved Hannah too; so it helps us all if we can be together.
We ended by just going to the mall, getting dinner, letting the kids play, and I got a (rather nice) new haircut. I think in the future, we will still try to get up to MI for the actual date, but in the event that we can't, we will line up some kind of time with friends to see us through the worst of it.
What helped us through the initial loss back in 2003 was the sheer amount of human companionship -- every morning, and every evening, various friends from the neighborhood, church, Hannah's school, whatever; someone always came and sat with us or brought dinner or just kept us company; chatting, even laughing about stuff. Being alone with just the kids and the grief last night was too hard.
I felt a little angry -- well, to be honest, extremely angry -- that I couldn't just call someone here and say, help -- we need company/distraction/human contact, just to get us through. I was irrationally resentful that people here aren't feeling the pain the way we are. They just can't, though; and I wouldn't want them to. But it sucks to be here, instead of back in MI, for this.
It's also hard because right now we're sort of in the trenches w/Max -- we can't take him anywhere; almost none of our friend's houses are childproof enough for him (although at times I'm not sure even a completely empty, rubberized safe room would be childproof enough for this boy); our house is a pit so I don't want to ask anyone over (plus then we're the hosts, which sort of defeats the purpose of what we needed last night).
Everyone ELSE we know doesn't have toddlers; they have abundant family/close friends who can babysit at the drop of a fucking hat; they seem to be free to do mom's nights/couple time/whatever in a way that I know I won't be for at least another year or so, and I am literally homicidal about it. I think the combination of burnout, grief, fatigue and random health issues is kicking my ass big time (and by extension, Jon's and my kids').
The next minute, although it felt sort of like the next very slow half-hour, it was about two days later; I was in the hospital and vaguely sensed that something was horribly wrong, and that I needed to fix it somehow and there was this sense of urgency, but I couldn't really put a finger on it; I was also confused about where I was and why I was in the hospital. It seemed kind of dark in my room, and people were drifting in and out. I especially remember my friend Sandy sniffling a lot, and I don't know if she was crying or if she had a cold. Perhaps both.
It really wasn't until the night of the 24th, after I had been discharged and was in the MedInn (the sort of in-house hotel at the U of M medical center) that it really hit me.
Every year is hard, although this year is the first time we didn't go up to MI to be at the crash scene at the time of the accident. I had all kinds of medical misadventures early this week, and as a result we're extreeeeeemely far behind on things like cleaning, wrapping, xmas grocery shopping. Plus my mom is going to be here Monday. So we decided, reluctantly, to stay up here for this weekend, and we'll head to MI the first weekend in January.
We realized last night that the trip to MI, the stays with friends and visits to old favorite haunts in A2 and Ypsi, distract us somehow from the actual sadness of the day. However, being here underscores it. Last night we were absolutely floundering -- we desperately needed some company/support/something to get us through, but nobody around here is available for that kind of thing -- they're with their own families, or out w/friends, or just not quite the kind of friends that we can ask for this kind of support from.
Then too, the friends here, although they do care and understand that this is a hard time for us, don't experience it the same way because it is not a loss for them; whereas for Sandy and other friends in MI, they knew and loved Hannah too; so it helps us all if we can be together.
We ended by just going to the mall, getting dinner, letting the kids play, and I got a (rather nice) new haircut. I think in the future, we will still try to get up to MI for the actual date, but in the event that we can't, we will line up some kind of time with friends to see us through the worst of it.
What helped us through the initial loss back in 2003 was the sheer amount of human companionship -- every morning, and every evening, various friends from the neighborhood, church, Hannah's school, whatever; someone always came and sat with us or brought dinner or just kept us company; chatting, even laughing about stuff. Being alone with just the kids and the grief last night was too hard.
I felt a little angry -- well, to be honest, extremely angry -- that I couldn't just call someone here and say, help -- we need company/distraction/human contact, just to get us through. I was irrationally resentful that people here aren't feeling the pain the way we are. They just can't, though; and I wouldn't want them to. But it sucks to be here, instead of back in MI, for this.
It's also hard because right now we're sort of in the trenches w/Max -- we can't take him anywhere; almost none of our friend's houses are childproof enough for him (although at times I'm not sure even a completely empty, rubberized safe room would be childproof enough for this boy); our house is a pit so I don't want to ask anyone over (plus then we're the hosts, which sort of defeats the purpose of what we needed last night).
Everyone ELSE we know doesn't have toddlers; they have abundant family/close friends who can babysit at the drop of a fucking hat; they seem to be free to do mom's nights/couple time/whatever in a way that I know I won't be for at least another year or so, and I am literally homicidal about it. I think the combination of burnout, grief, fatigue and random health issues is kicking my ass big time (and by extension, Jon's and my kids').
12.15.2008
Dee-dee-dee...cember
Well, I suppose monthly is better than quarterly or annually to keep this thing up to date.
Anyway, as you all know, things did take a turn for the marvelous last month, and our country, for a change, did the RIGHT thing and voted Obama into office. What an amazing day that was. I remember being so happy the next morning; kind of like walking around in a daze, with a big grin on my face, and being surprised not to see rainbow-colored unicorns grazing outside, flowers everywhere, balloons and cotton candy and angels singing. It just seemed that miraculous.
Although I wouldn't want that job for all the money in the world. Talk about having a mess to clean up!
Anyway, nothing terribly exciting is going on here. The main thing is I have been officially diagnosed w/Type 2 diabetes, which sucks in all kinds of ways. However, for the time being I'm doing well with diet/exercise, and I'm hoping I can manage it that way for the foreseeable future. And what the hell -- in a way it almost makes it easier KNOWING I don't have a choice; that I have to do this whether I like it or not.
The group I'm in has VASTLY improved due to changes in the membership. It's such a huge difference; I am constantly surprised by just how different it is. It certainly speaks to how bad it was before, but at least it's no longer a problem. So that's been a great thing.
Jon is still slogging away on the two publications he needs for tenure. He has one written and is almost ready to submit it; the other one is in the works and hopefully should be out this spring or summer. Then he can apply for tenure. We're a little concerned/annoyed because the colleague nearest to him in seniority was granted tenure recently, but we're fairly certain she didn't meet the publication requirements (as specified in their CONTRACTS). However, it seems that the dean of the STEM college approached the chair of the bio dept. and expressed concern that Jon hasn't published yet. Of course, with the crushing teaching load he had, it's amazing that he's finally able to do so now. So he's a little frustrated because he feels he's being held to a different standard. From time to time, though, we stop and consider the current economic/employment clusterfuck that everyone else is dealing with, especially around here, and we conclude that things could be so much worse. Then we move on.
And we're coming up on the 5th anniversary of Hannah's death. That's pretty hard. Especially because she was 5yo 9mo when she died, so next summer she will have been gone as long as she was here. That is upsetting because it seems to put her significantly farther away than she was already.
Well, off to put people to bed. More later, maybe.
Anyway, as you all know, things did take a turn for the marvelous last month, and our country, for a change, did the RIGHT thing and voted Obama into office. What an amazing day that was. I remember being so happy the next morning; kind of like walking around in a daze, with a big grin on my face, and being surprised not to see rainbow-colored unicorns grazing outside, flowers everywhere, balloons and cotton candy and angels singing. It just seemed that miraculous.
Although I wouldn't want that job for all the money in the world. Talk about having a mess to clean up!
Anyway, nothing terribly exciting is going on here. The main thing is I have been officially diagnosed w/Type 2 diabetes, which sucks in all kinds of ways. However, for the time being I'm doing well with diet/exercise, and I'm hoping I can manage it that way for the foreseeable future. And what the hell -- in a way it almost makes it easier KNOWING I don't have a choice; that I have to do this whether I like it or not.
The group I'm in has VASTLY improved due to changes in the membership. It's such a huge difference; I am constantly surprised by just how different it is. It certainly speaks to how bad it was before, but at least it's no longer a problem. So that's been a great thing.
Jon is still slogging away on the two publications he needs for tenure. He has one written and is almost ready to submit it; the other one is in the works and hopefully should be out this spring or summer. Then he can apply for tenure. We're a little concerned/annoyed because the colleague nearest to him in seniority was granted tenure recently, but we're fairly certain she didn't meet the publication requirements (as specified in their CONTRACTS). However, it seems that the dean of the STEM college approached the chair of the bio dept. and expressed concern that Jon hasn't published yet. Of course, with the crushing teaching load he had, it's amazing that he's finally able to do so now. So he's a little frustrated because he feels he's being held to a different standard. From time to time, though, we stop and consider the current economic/employment clusterfuck that everyone else is dealing with, especially around here, and we conclude that things could be so much worse. Then we move on.
And we're coming up on the 5th anniversary of Hannah's death. That's pretty hard. Especially because she was 5yo 9mo when she died, so next summer she will have been gone as long as she was here. That is upsetting because it seems to put her significantly farther away than she was already.
Well, off to put people to bed. More later, maybe.
10.30.2008
NO! Vember???
Time flies!
Well, five more days until our nation either takes a turn for the better, or continues on the road to hell. I actually have some hope that Obama can pull this off. Despite the idiocy all around me (and everywhere else), it seems like people are FINALLY mobilized to make a change. Here's hoping.
Things are going reasonably well. Emily is kicking butt and taking names in first grade -- after a bit of a rough start behavior-wise and some struggles with math, she seems to have hit her stride and is doing great. I like her teachers so much better this year, too.
Max is driving me nuts -- today he napped for all of FIFTEEN MINUTES. Also he is fighting sleep as hard as he can. He's starting to be a LOT more verbal, not necessarily so you could understand him, but he's very definitely working at repeating words, and making himself understood. I think that might be part of the problem, with the sleep and all. I am just not fond of this age, overall, but I'm enjoying it more than usual, probably because he is definitely and for sure the last one, and because when Emily was this age I was still in such a fog and our lives were in such transition that I didn't really take it in. For some reason I remember more about Hannah at this stage.
I spent the afternoon painting large jagged rectangles of Biltmore Buff all over the dining room and living room walls. I think we have a winner, color-wise.
Fascinating, isn't it?
Well, five more days until our nation either takes a turn for the better, or continues on the road to hell. I actually have some hope that Obama can pull this off. Despite the idiocy all around me (and everywhere else), it seems like people are FINALLY mobilized to make a change. Here's hoping.
Things are going reasonably well. Emily is kicking butt and taking names in first grade -- after a bit of a rough start behavior-wise and some struggles with math, she seems to have hit her stride and is doing great. I like her teachers so much better this year, too.
Max is driving me nuts -- today he napped for all of FIFTEEN MINUTES. Also he is fighting sleep as hard as he can. He's starting to be a LOT more verbal, not necessarily so you could understand him, but he's very definitely working at repeating words, and making himself understood. I think that might be part of the problem, with the sleep and all. I am just not fond of this age, overall, but I'm enjoying it more than usual, probably because he is definitely and for sure the last one, and because when Emily was this age I was still in such a fog and our lives were in such transition that I didn't really take it in. For some reason I remember more about Hannah at this stage.
I spent the afternoon painting large jagged rectangles of Biltmore Buff all over the dining room and living room walls. I think we have a winner, color-wise.
Fascinating, isn't it?
9.11.2008
...
I didn't put a title on this entry because for some reason, when I type text into the "Title:" field, it replaces the characters with Hindi characters. I can't figure out how to fix it, so there you go.
It's hard to believe it's been 7 years since 9/11. It is also odd that as far as I recall, every 9/11 since then has been a beautiful, mild, clear sunny day just like the original one was.
That day is so bound up with memories of Hannah -- scrambling to change the channel once I saw the 2nd plane hit so that she wouldn't ask questions (Sesame Street had been abruptly pre-empted off CBC right after the first plane struck), listening to NPR with one ear and Hannah with the other, Jon coming home at noon and spending a very quiet somber day, playing outside, making a big batch of spaghetti sauce, and checking in with family members. The only person we knew who might have been directly affected was my brother-in-law Andy, who at the time worked at an office in Greenwich Village and rode a train which went through the WTC subway station en route. Luckily he was fine, although it took him a while to get home that day.
The accident was like our family's own personal 9/11, but I don't say that to people normally because I can see how it would come across as rather disrespectful, or as trivializing what the 9/11 victims went through.
It's hard to believe it's been 7 years since 9/11. It is also odd that as far as I recall, every 9/11 since then has been a beautiful, mild, clear sunny day just like the original one was.
That day is so bound up with memories of Hannah -- scrambling to change the channel once I saw the 2nd plane hit so that she wouldn't ask questions (Sesame Street had been abruptly pre-empted off CBC right after the first plane struck), listening to NPR with one ear and Hannah with the other, Jon coming home at noon and spending a very quiet somber day, playing outside, making a big batch of spaghetti sauce, and checking in with family members. The only person we knew who might have been directly affected was my brother-in-law Andy, who at the time worked at an office in Greenwich Village and rode a train which went through the WTC subway station en route. Luckily he was fine, although it took him a while to get home that day.
The accident was like our family's own personal 9/11, but I don't say that to people normally because I can see how it would come across as rather disrespectful, or as trivializing what the 9/11 victims went through.
9.08.2008
Six
I can't believe the last time I posted was at the end of the school year, and now here we are in a new one. First grade.
I've never had a first-grader. Or a six-year-old, for that matter. I've never had two children at once who were over the ages of 18mo and 5yo. We're already getting into new territory, after what seems like five years of running in place, and it's nice, but I had not realized how comfortable (albeit burned out) I had gotten with the 5-and-under phases.
Now we're in a place where Emily is reading and has homework; where she has become more independent (at the fair this year she said she wanted to go on the Ferris wheel with "a friend" instead of me, which was astonishing); where Max is walking and babbling (not in English, yet) and he and Emily are starting to have their own relationship, which includes squabbles over sharing things, and his having a fit if she has something and he doesn't, etc. Just a few short months ago this wasn't happening.
I thought years ago that it would be weird and traumatic to have Emily grow past the stage where Hannah was, but on the whole it hasn't been. I suppose partly because it's a gradual process, and the daily routines and stresses keep me pretty focused on the present. It may hit harder when milestones are reached (like when she lost the first baby teeth), such as learning to ride a two-wheeler, getting crushes on boys (or girls, I guess you never know), going through puberty, high school, etc.
Max is a lot of fun. He is still very much attached (including at night, and no, we haven't weaned or done the Ferber thing, and I don't want to even bother discussing it), but he loves to run around and loves the outdoors and is OBSESSED with vehicles of all types, and loves to eat dirt/mulch/rocks/sand/grass.
Despite evidence to the contrary when Hannah started preschool, I still harbored the notion that you can shape behavior and that boys are not necessarily hard-wired for that kind of thing. Well, another parenting myth bites the dust. He is a BOY. Hannah and Emily played with cars, but cars were just another toy. Hannah and Emily tried eating the occasional piece of dirt or mulch, but after one taste would spit it out and move on to something more logical. Hannah and Emily liked to climb and get into things, but they could be distracted and if it didn't work, they'd give up and move on after a while. Max is completely NOT that way.
Anyway, one thing about him that is also different from the girls is that, while he is still a mommy's boy and likes to be attached, he is also capable of wandering off and finding stuff to do (usually something he shouldn't) on his own, where the girls always wanted me directly involved with and interacting in whatever chosen activity they found. It is nice, although I have learned that if he's quiet enough, disaster is soon to follow, so I still have to be on my toes.
Jon didn't get anything published this summer, but from what I understand he is on the verge of having something to submit, and seems confident about the whole tenure thing. I am not confident, but then again I think I still have a touch of PTSD from that whole job loss/accident phase we went through. I am just leaving it up to him. The one thing I am doing is getting some things done around the house. Either he won't get tenure, in which case we'll have to sell the house and so we definitely need to update stuff like landscaping, kitchen, etc. in the most minimal way, or he will get tenure, which means we'll stay here until we retire/die, and so we should plan to fix the house up the way we want it.
I am just treading water, keeping up with the kids, starting to get motivated to accomplish some home improvements, and sort of going with the flow. I seem to have lost my creative mojo for things like art and knitting, although I invented a completely new version of zucchini bread the other day which rawks (lots of lime zest, cardamom and almonds, and no nasty raisins or walnuts -- very Asian and spring-like).
We had a great vacation in August; rented a house up on the shore of Lake Michigan just south of Charlevoix for the second year in a row. I love that place so much. It was kind of stressful at first because Max had come down with hand-foot-mouth disease at the beginning of the trip, but it was still worth it. I'll post some pictures when I get around to it.
Nothing much new going on around here. Have improved on the acquaintance/friendship with Jaci and family; Gretchen and I are reconnecting after a bit of a spell (I think having Max kind of threw things off); the boards/playgroups are pretty much as they were, but I just nod and smile where needed and ignore the rest.
Then there's the election, but there are several million other blogs out there that have far more intelligent, informed and relevant things to say. All I have to say is, GET OUT AND VOTE! AND VOTE FOR OBAMA OR I'LL HAVE TO KILL YOU SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY.
I'll try to check in more often. I'm about to fall asleep here, so that's enough for now.
I've never had a first-grader. Or a six-year-old, for that matter. I've never had two children at once who were over the ages of 18mo and 5yo. We're already getting into new territory, after what seems like five years of running in place, and it's nice, but I had not realized how comfortable (albeit burned out) I had gotten with the 5-and-under phases.
Now we're in a place where Emily is reading and has homework; where she has become more independent (at the fair this year she said she wanted to go on the Ferris wheel with "a friend" instead of me, which was astonishing); where Max is walking and babbling (not in English, yet) and he and Emily are starting to have their own relationship, which includes squabbles over sharing things, and his having a fit if she has something and he doesn't, etc. Just a few short months ago this wasn't happening.
I thought years ago that it would be weird and traumatic to have Emily grow past the stage where Hannah was, but on the whole it hasn't been. I suppose partly because it's a gradual process, and the daily routines and stresses keep me pretty focused on the present. It may hit harder when milestones are reached (like when she lost the first baby teeth), such as learning to ride a two-wheeler, getting crushes on boys (or girls, I guess you never know), going through puberty, high school, etc.
Max is a lot of fun. He is still very much attached (including at night, and no, we haven't weaned or done the Ferber thing, and I don't want to even bother discussing it), but he loves to run around and loves the outdoors and is OBSESSED with vehicles of all types, and loves to eat dirt/mulch/rocks/sand/grass.
Despite evidence to the contrary when Hannah started preschool, I still harbored the notion that you can shape behavior and that boys are not necessarily hard-wired for that kind of thing. Well, another parenting myth bites the dust. He is a BOY. Hannah and Emily played with cars, but cars were just another toy. Hannah and Emily tried eating the occasional piece of dirt or mulch, but after one taste would spit it out and move on to something more logical. Hannah and Emily liked to climb and get into things, but they could be distracted and if it didn't work, they'd give up and move on after a while. Max is completely NOT that way.
Anyway, one thing about him that is also different from the girls is that, while he is still a mommy's boy and likes to be attached, he is also capable of wandering off and finding stuff to do (usually something he shouldn't) on his own, where the girls always wanted me directly involved with and interacting in whatever chosen activity they found. It is nice, although I have learned that if he's quiet enough, disaster is soon to follow, so I still have to be on my toes.
Jon didn't get anything published this summer, but from what I understand he is on the verge of having something to submit, and seems confident about the whole tenure thing. I am not confident, but then again I think I still have a touch of PTSD from that whole job loss/accident phase we went through. I am just leaving it up to him. The one thing I am doing is getting some things done around the house. Either he won't get tenure, in which case we'll have to sell the house and so we definitely need to update stuff like landscaping, kitchen, etc. in the most minimal way, or he will get tenure, which means we'll stay here until we retire/die, and so we should plan to fix the house up the way we want it.
I am just treading water, keeping up with the kids, starting to get motivated to accomplish some home improvements, and sort of going with the flow. I seem to have lost my creative mojo for things like art and knitting, although I invented a completely new version of zucchini bread the other day which rawks (lots of lime zest, cardamom and almonds, and no nasty raisins or walnuts -- very Asian and spring-like).
We had a great vacation in August; rented a house up on the shore of Lake Michigan just south of Charlevoix for the second year in a row. I love that place so much. It was kind of stressful at first because Max had come down with hand-foot-mouth disease at the beginning of the trip, but it was still worth it. I'll post some pictures when I get around to it.
Nothing much new going on around here. Have improved on the acquaintance/friendship with Jaci and family; Gretchen and I are reconnecting after a bit of a spell (I think having Max kind of threw things off); the boards/playgroups are pretty much as they were, but I just nod and smile where needed and ignore the rest.
Then there's the election, but there are several million other blogs out there that have far more intelligent, informed and relevant things to say. All I have to say is, GET OUT AND VOTE! AND VOTE FOR OBAMA OR I'LL HAVE TO KILL YOU SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY.
I'll try to check in more often. I'm about to fall asleep here, so that's enough for now.
5.24.2008
More stuff
So, things are mostly the same. Emily hasn't lost any more teeth, but there are only 8 more days left of kindergarten.
I have to say, I'm going to be glad too -- packing lunches has nearly been the death of me. The school only allows dairy or parve lunches to be packed, so that limits us a bit (she likes turkey, but of course I can't pack meat in her lunch). As soon as she seems to like something and it becomes a no-brainer and I make it a regular item, she suddenly "doesn't like it" or it "smells bad" or something completely bogus, and I have to rethink it. At this point the only thing she seems to eat consistently is macaroni and cheese (in the thermos).
But I think she had a great year overall. She learned a great deal, and she seems so much older than she did at the beginning of the year. She took to learning Hebrew so quickly, and it's impressive to see how much she knows. She still isn't completely reading independently, but she is right on the very edge of doing so -- I'd bet within a week or so she'll be doing it.
I was on the fence about sending her back there, for a few reasons. My biggest beef is that a lot of the kids there are not just well-to-do, but extremely spoiled and with a real sense of entitlement. Now, Emily is talking all the time about being rich and making lots of money and how becoming rich is all she wants. I'm trying not to be a blowhard about this, but I've been taking the position that being rich wouldn't really make a difference -- we already have everything we could possibly need, everything we want, etc. so if we were rich the only thing we'd have is more of the same stuff, which doesn't make sense since we already have everything.
Also I felt a bit like while Mrs. McNally is a good teacher, she is definitely not an ideal fit with Emily's personality. Talking to some of the other parents, it sounds like a number of them have had similar concerns about her; they feel that her expectations were a little unrealistic.
Gretchen did warn me before we started that while Mrs. M. really is good with the kids, I might find her kind of difficult to read and interact with. That seems to be a pretty common experience. I remember at our first conference, the very first thing she said to us was, "Does Emily have rules at home that she has to follow?" I took that to mean that she felt Emily had absolutely no ability whatsoever to comprehend and follow classroom structure, and was definitely taken aback.
Emily has had problems with being "silly" and cutting up in class, talking out of turn a lot, and being just generally a little rambunctious. However, there were some social issues -- Emily's best friend in the class, until recently, was Julia who is also one of the youngest kids in the class (I think there's one younger than Emily and Julia), and who is also a very lively, active, assertive kid. So they were friends and they also clashed a lot, and they seemed to have a great deal of difficulty settling down in class. Emily's best days behavior-wise were when Julia was away for 2 weeks after winter break.
The other reason I was contemplating a change was partly related to that -- the small class/school size is a good thing, on the whole, but the downside is that the social dynamics are a little intense and concentrated. There are 6 girls in the class so if you have a falling out with one friend, your options are pretty limited. So every day at pickup it's like tuning in to a soap opera -- one day Taylor and Julia were friendly and the next day Julia wasn't Taylor's friend but she was Emily's and the day after that someone else had a club and Taylor wanted Emily to be in it but not Julia and the day after that Julia said she was Taylor's friend and not Emily's. It made me want to stab my eyeballs out with a fork. Anyway, although Emily didn't seem actually UNhappy about this, she did seem a bit overly concerned and obsessed with all of that, and I dreaded the thought of the next five years' worth of this. I thought perhaps at the public school, while the social dynamics are the same, there is at least a wider group to pick from, and so it might be a little more diffused.
Obviously, I have completely forgotten everything about elementary school!
It is yet another reason I'm glad Max is a boy -- I don't doubt that boys can give each other a hard time, but I don't really think it involves quite as much nit-picky minutiae about who has what and who wore what and when and so forth -- they beat the crap out of each other and then they're over it and they don't have to talk about it for two hours after school every day. At least that's my understanding.
Class is over so Jon is a teeny tad less stressed, but he is still intent on getting a couple of papers out this summer (to fulfill the tenure requirement) so he will still be putting in a lot of time. It will be worth it, ASSuming he gets tenure, but I will be glad when that's not hanging over us.
Aaannd then there's Max, still nursing about a hundred times a day, still co-sleeping (he starts the night in his crib, but is generally back in with us by about 2 a.m. if not before, and he is not the most considerate bed-mate.
We are going to get our act together and start the Ferber thing fairly soon, but I'm dreading it.
Anyway. I realize this sets a new standard of coma-inducing twaddle, but hey, you clicked the link.
I have to say, I'm going to be glad too -- packing lunches has nearly been the death of me. The school only allows dairy or parve lunches to be packed, so that limits us a bit (she likes turkey, but of course I can't pack meat in her lunch). As soon as she seems to like something and it becomes a no-brainer and I make it a regular item, she suddenly "doesn't like it" or it "smells bad" or something completely bogus, and I have to rethink it. At this point the only thing she seems to eat consistently is macaroni and cheese (in the thermos).
But I think she had a great year overall. She learned a great deal, and she seems so much older than she did at the beginning of the year. She took to learning Hebrew so quickly, and it's impressive to see how much she knows. She still isn't completely reading independently, but she is right on the very edge of doing so -- I'd bet within a week or so she'll be doing it.
I was on the fence about sending her back there, for a few reasons. My biggest beef is that a lot of the kids there are not just well-to-do, but extremely spoiled and with a real sense of entitlement. Now, Emily is talking all the time about being rich and making lots of money and how becoming rich is all she wants. I'm trying not to be a blowhard about this, but I've been taking the position that being rich wouldn't really make a difference -- we already have everything we could possibly need, everything we want, etc. so if we were rich the only thing we'd have is more of the same stuff, which doesn't make sense since we already have everything.
Also I felt a bit like while Mrs. McNally is a good teacher, she is definitely not an ideal fit with Emily's personality. Talking to some of the other parents, it sounds like a number of them have had similar concerns about her; they feel that her expectations were a little unrealistic.
Gretchen did warn me before we started that while Mrs. M. really is good with the kids, I might find her kind of difficult to read and interact with. That seems to be a pretty common experience. I remember at our first conference, the very first thing she said to us was, "Does Emily have rules at home that she has to follow?" I took that to mean that she felt Emily had absolutely no ability whatsoever to comprehend and follow classroom structure, and was definitely taken aback.
Emily has had problems with being "silly" and cutting up in class, talking out of turn a lot, and being just generally a little rambunctious. However, there were some social issues -- Emily's best friend in the class, until recently, was Julia who is also one of the youngest kids in the class (I think there's one younger than Emily and Julia), and who is also a very lively, active, assertive kid. So they were friends and they also clashed a lot, and they seemed to have a great deal of difficulty settling down in class. Emily's best days behavior-wise were when Julia was away for 2 weeks after winter break.
The other reason I was contemplating a change was partly related to that -- the small class/school size is a good thing, on the whole, but the downside is that the social dynamics are a little intense and concentrated. There are 6 girls in the class so if you have a falling out with one friend, your options are pretty limited. So every day at pickup it's like tuning in to a soap opera -- one day Taylor and Julia were friendly and the next day Julia wasn't Taylor's friend but she was Emily's and the day after that someone else had a club and Taylor wanted Emily to be in it but not Julia and the day after that Julia said she was Taylor's friend and not Emily's. It made me want to stab my eyeballs out with a fork. Anyway, although Emily didn't seem actually UNhappy about this, she did seem a bit overly concerned and obsessed with all of that, and I dreaded the thought of the next five years' worth of this. I thought perhaps at the public school, while the social dynamics are the same, there is at least a wider group to pick from, and so it might be a little more diffused.
Obviously, I have completely forgotten everything about elementary school!
It is yet another reason I'm glad Max is a boy -- I don't doubt that boys can give each other a hard time, but I don't really think it involves quite as much nit-picky minutiae about who has what and who wore what and when and so forth -- they beat the crap out of each other and then they're over it and they don't have to talk about it for two hours after school every day. At least that's my understanding.
Class is over so Jon is a teeny tad less stressed, but he is still intent on getting a couple of papers out this summer (to fulfill the tenure requirement) so he will still be putting in a lot of time. It will be worth it, ASSuming he gets tenure, but I will be glad when that's not hanging over us.
Aaannd then there's Max, still nursing about a hundred times a day, still co-sleeping (he starts the night in his crib, but is generally back in with us by about 2 a.m. if not before, and he is not the most considerate bed-mate.
We are going to get our act together and start the Ferber thing fairly soon, but I'm dreading it.
Anyway. I realize this sets a new standard of coma-inducing twaddle, but hey, you clicked the link.
4.28.2008
Whoomp -- there it is!
Well, the first tooth has been lost. We were at Erica's for a late playdate, and when we got there Emily had just been complaining in the car that her loose tooth hurt when she "bent it".
"So don't bend it" I say as I struggle to get Max out of the car seat and through the rain and past the puddles.
So we go in, she shows off the row of shark teeth and gets absorbed in playing with some of the kids. An hour or so later, out of nowhere, "MY TOOTH!" I guess she was wiggling it with her tongue and out it came.
Everyone oohed and aahed and made a huge fuss -- it was so cool. Erica provided a baggie, and in an hour or two (ASSuming she goes to sleep, which she has yet to do despite being in bed for the last hour) I'll go up and leave her a giant balloon, a Webkin, and a heart necklace. What can I say -- it's a big, and extremely bittersweet, milestone.
I don't know why it feels so sad. I suppose partly because Hannah didn't get to experience this, but I can just imagine how excited and proud she would have been if she had been able to. And the sense of loss is even stronger because this is such a sweet age and it goes so fast. The blend of little-girl princess imaginary things with becoming bigger and independent and asking big and difficult questions. It's hard to let it pass without a sense of dread -- I just want to keep her safe and happy and in that stage where anything seems possible in her mind. I suppose it's a way of holding onto Hannah, because that's exactly where and how she was when she left us.
I miss her so much.
"So don't bend it" I say as I struggle to get Max out of the car seat and through the rain and past the puddles.
So we go in, she shows off the row of shark teeth and gets absorbed in playing with some of the kids. An hour or so later, out of nowhere, "MY TOOTH!" I guess she was wiggling it with her tongue and out it came.
Everyone oohed and aahed and made a huge fuss -- it was so cool. Erica provided a baggie, and in an hour or two (ASSuming she goes to sleep, which she has yet to do despite being in bed for the last hour) I'll go up and leave her a giant balloon, a Webkin, and a heart necklace. What can I say -- it's a big, and extremely bittersweet, milestone.
I don't know why it feels so sad. I suppose partly because Hannah didn't get to experience this, but I can just imagine how excited and proud she would have been if she had been able to. And the sense of loss is even stronger because this is such a sweet age and it goes so fast. The blend of little-girl princess imaginary things with becoming bigger and independent and asking big and difficult questions. It's hard to let it pass without a sense of dread -- I just want to keep her safe and happy and in that stage where anything seems possible in her mind. I suppose it's a way of holding onto Hannah, because that's exactly where and how she was when she left us.
I miss her so much.
4.26.2008
A Big Surprise (or 2)
Yesterday Emily was complaining that "something in her mouth hurt when she licked it". It goes without saying that we were on the freeway at the time, so naturally I couldn't look right then. I ASSumed it was a chapped lip or cold sore or something and didn't think more of it right then.
So later we get home, I look in her mouth, and WHOA! Two rather large bottom incisors are poking in right behind the baby ones, which are not loose.
It also goes without saying that this happens about 15 minutes after her dentist's office closes for the weekend. Jon and I start panicking (quietly) about orthodontia.
Afterwards it occurred to me that this is the first brand-new, uncharted parenting issue we've dealt with in years. Hannah never got to this point -- she never even had a loose tooth in her life. Seeing those adult-size teeth poking through was startling, and another reminder that Emily is growing beyond where Hannah ever was.
I remember when her first teeth popped IN -- freakishly early, at 3mo. I noticed them the same day she rolled over for the first time. Hannah thought it was the coolest thing, too.
In other news, Max is walking. Typically, he is making very gradual progress -- he is steadily increasing distance, is working on turning, and last night walked and drank out of a sippy cup at the same time. He is looking a bit more little-boyish, but definitely still has a lot of babyhood to get through.
So later we get home, I look in her mouth, and WHOA! Two rather large bottom incisors are poking in right behind the baby ones, which are not loose.
It also goes without saying that this happens about 15 minutes after her dentist's office closes for the weekend. Jon and I start panicking (quietly) about orthodontia.
Afterwards it occurred to me that this is the first brand-new, uncharted parenting issue we've dealt with in years. Hannah never got to this point -- she never even had a loose tooth in her life. Seeing those adult-size teeth poking through was startling, and another reminder that Emily is growing beyond where Hannah ever was.
I remember when her first teeth popped IN -- freakishly early, at 3mo. I noticed them the same day she rolled over for the first time. Hannah thought it was the coolest thing, too.
In other news, Max is walking. Typically, he is making very gradual progress -- he is steadily increasing distance, is working on turning, and last night walked and drank out of a sippy cup at the same time. He is looking a bit more little-boyish, but definitely still has a lot of babyhood to get through.
4.17.2008
10 years ago today
Hannah was born, and we became parents.
It was an incredibly difficult labor -- we were trying to do a completely "natural" Bradley birth, despite being induced, so there I was with no epidural or pain meds, Pitocin contractions that felt like I was being ground up inside, and total fear and panic -- I think it took a long time to dilate because I was so freaked out I was subconsciously trying to shut down the whole process. I had nightmares about it for a little while afterwards.
I'd willingly go through every second of it again and again, if we could have Hannah back. Even if we couldn't, I wouldn't change it -- it was worth everything ten times over just to have had her in our lives.
I don't know why this birthday is so much harder. Maybe it's a "milestone" birthday of sorts -- 10 years old. And seeing the kids her age at Emily's school makes me realize how very different she would be. Emily is right at the age where Hannah was, and reminds me so much of her, but even now I can see her starting to grow beyond that -- next year will be very different. I also just realized Max is the exact age now that Emily was when we went on our last trip with Hannah -- the Labor Day weekend in Chicago.
I wanted to go up to Michigan today but was so torn, because Jon couldn't get away and the thought of leaving him alone tonight is hard. I want to be where Hannah last was, but I also want to be with Jon.
I'll ask friends to go by the rock, leave a few flowers, and perhaps release a balloon or two. Hopefully I can get up there next week sometime.
It's going to be a long day.
It was an incredibly difficult labor -- we were trying to do a completely "natural" Bradley birth, despite being induced, so there I was with no epidural or pain meds, Pitocin contractions that felt like I was being ground up inside, and total fear and panic -- I think it took a long time to dilate because I was so freaked out I was subconsciously trying to shut down the whole process. I had nightmares about it for a little while afterwards.
I'd willingly go through every second of it again and again, if we could have Hannah back. Even if we couldn't, I wouldn't change it -- it was worth everything ten times over just to have had her in our lives.
I don't know why this birthday is so much harder. Maybe it's a "milestone" birthday of sorts -- 10 years old. And seeing the kids her age at Emily's school makes me realize how very different she would be. Emily is right at the age where Hannah was, and reminds me so much of her, but even now I can see her starting to grow beyond that -- next year will be very different. I also just realized Max is the exact age now that Emily was when we went on our last trip with Hannah -- the Labor Day weekend in Chicago.
I wanted to go up to Michigan today but was so torn, because Jon couldn't get away and the thought of leaving him alone tonight is hard. I want to be where Hannah last was, but I also want to be with Jon.
I'll ask friends to go by the rock, leave a few flowers, and perhaps release a balloon or two. Hopefully I can get up there next week sometime.
It's going to be a long day.
4.09.2008
Well, damn
Max rewarded my optimism with being completely fussy, clingy, whiny and bratty today, right around the time I finished posting the last entry. Bleah.
I also feel under the weather (stomach issues) so maybe he's feeling a bit punk too.
Anyway, though -- with regards to winter, I submit the following by Winston Churchill: "It is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning."
So, we'll see.
I have the Essure procedure scheduled for mid-May, and 3 months after that I should be completely done with ever worrying about getting pregnant. I'm still kicking myself for not just getting a tubal as long as they were in there getting Max out, but I read one or two accounts of bad-ish side effects from tubals (heavier periods, etc.) and for some reason I panicked.
In hindsight, I suspect I also wasn't ready to take a permanent step until I knew everything would be fine with Max -- at the time I didn't think of that consciously, but I remember after Hannah died and feeling so stymied and frustrated by the fact that we had already been DONE with kids and Jon had finally gotten the snip, and then there we were facing all those decisions again.
Oh, well.
Even if, God/Allah/whoever forbid, something happens to one of the children, there is just no way in hell I can ever, ever be pregnant or have a baby again. I am just too damn old, my health is already compromised enough, and I'm just OVER the baby thing, completely. I love Max and he is cute and I will sort of miss his babyhood once it's really gone, but I sure won't wish it back. I am ready to move on. I feel like we have been running in place for a decade; like we've flunked kindergarten a few times... for 10 years we have had only children age 5 and under.
Well, enough blathering.
I also feel under the weather (stomach issues) so maybe he's feeling a bit punk too.
Anyway, though -- with regards to winter, I submit the following by Winston Churchill: "It is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning."
So, we'll see.
I have the Essure procedure scheduled for mid-May, and 3 months after that I should be completely done with ever worrying about getting pregnant. I'm still kicking myself for not just getting a tubal as long as they were in there getting Max out, but I read one or two accounts of bad-ish side effects from tubals (heavier periods, etc.) and for some reason I panicked.
In hindsight, I suspect I also wasn't ready to take a permanent step until I knew everything would be fine with Max -- at the time I didn't think of that consciously, but I remember after Hannah died and feeling so stymied and frustrated by the fact that we had already been DONE with kids and Jon had finally gotten the snip, and then there we were facing all those decisions again.
Oh, well.
Even if, God/Allah/whoever forbid, something happens to one of the children, there is just no way in hell I can ever, ever be pregnant or have a baby again. I am just too damn old, my health is already compromised enough, and I'm just OVER the baby thing, completely. I love Max and he is cute and I will sort of miss his babyhood once it's really gone, but I sure won't wish it back. I am ready to move on. I feel like we have been running in place for a decade; like we've flunked kindergarten a few times... for 10 years we have had only children age 5 and under.
Well, enough blathering.
Why, yes it could!
It IS finally spring. 60's all week so far (tho rainy today); lots of outside play, reconnecting with neighbors (nothing's perfect, alas, though the racist idjit neighbors should be putting their house on the market this month, or so I was told), opening windows and getting fresh air in the house and car, etc. etc.
Yesterday the kids and I met up with a new friend (Jaci) at the JCC playground after school. We actually met through the grandmother of the other kids, who had played with Emily on two different occasions at the mall. So I invited Jan (and Jaci) to come to book club. Jan came and it was spectacular -- she fits right in and we all enjoyed having her there. Jaci and I hit it off pretty well too. She is very down-to-earth, has a sense of humor, and I like her very much. She's also a photographer so she brought along her gorgeous new camera (my camera is the digital equivalent of an Instamatic, by comparison) and took tons of shots of the big kids (Boston, Ridley, and Emily) and of Max too.
Emily and Boston bonded instantly at the mall. It's funny because before we talked to Jan, I was noticing what a nice, NORMAL-looking kid he was -- no camouflage, no mullet, no bad manners. Ridley and Emily get along well too, but Boston is clearly the one who befriended E.
I think the end is finally in sight for YSU's term. Jon is still completely fried, but doesn't seem as dispirited as before. No doubt the weather finally becoming civilized makes a difference, plus it's not so damn DARK all the time.
Max loves crawling around in dirt/mulch/grass/mud. The girls kind of liked it, but he ADORES it. He has been happier and less fussy, at least partly as a result of all the fresh air, although last night he woke up several times, so I'm feeling it today.
I reclaimed my purse (the former recycling bin/compost heap/dumpster with handles) and straightened out/caught up the finances, and that has made a huge difference too. I haven't told Jon yet that I can automatically enter/download/reconcile, unlike before when we used to do it all manually, so he thinks I'm working a lot harder on it than I am. Shhh.
This was definitely a winter of discontent!
Yesterday the kids and I met up with a new friend (Jaci) at the JCC playground after school. We actually met through the grandmother of the other kids, who had played with Emily on two different occasions at the mall. So I invited Jan (and Jaci) to come to book club. Jan came and it was spectacular -- she fits right in and we all enjoyed having her there. Jaci and I hit it off pretty well too. She is very down-to-earth, has a sense of humor, and I like her very much. She's also a photographer so she brought along her gorgeous new camera (my camera is the digital equivalent of an Instamatic, by comparison) and took tons of shots of the big kids (Boston, Ridley, and Emily) and of Max too.
Emily and Boston bonded instantly at the mall. It's funny because before we talked to Jan, I was noticing what a nice, NORMAL-looking kid he was -- no camouflage, no mullet, no bad manners. Ridley and Emily get along well too, but Boston is clearly the one who befriended E.
I think the end is finally in sight for YSU's term. Jon is still completely fried, but doesn't seem as dispirited as before. No doubt the weather finally becoming civilized makes a difference, plus it's not so damn DARK all the time.
Max loves crawling around in dirt/mulch/grass/mud. The girls kind of liked it, but he ADORES it. He has been happier and less fussy, at least partly as a result of all the fresh air, although last night he woke up several times, so I'm feeling it today.
I reclaimed my purse (the former recycling bin/compost heap/dumpster with handles) and straightened out/caught up the finances, and that has made a huge difference too. I haven't told Jon yet that I can automatically enter/download/reconcile, unlike before when we used to do it all manually, so he thinks I'm working a lot harder on it than I am. Shhh.
This was definitely a winter of discontent!
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