Well, the first tooth has been lost. We were at Erica's for a late playdate, and when we got there Emily had just been complaining in the car that her loose tooth hurt when she "bent it".
"So don't bend it" I say as I struggle to get Max out of the car seat and through the rain and past the puddles.
So we go in, she shows off the row of shark teeth and gets absorbed in playing with some of the kids. An hour or so later, out of nowhere, "MY TOOTH!" I guess she was wiggling it with her tongue and out it came.
Everyone oohed and aahed and made a huge fuss -- it was so cool. Erica provided a baggie, and in an hour or two (ASSuming she goes to sleep, which she has yet to do despite being in bed for the last hour) I'll go up and leave her a giant balloon, a Webkin, and a heart necklace. What can I say -- it's a big, and extremely bittersweet, milestone.
I don't know why it feels so sad. I suppose partly because Hannah didn't get to experience this, but I can just imagine how excited and proud she would have been if she had been able to. And the sense of loss is even stronger because this is such a sweet age and it goes so fast. The blend of little-girl princess imaginary things with becoming bigger and independent and asking big and difficult questions. It's hard to let it pass without a sense of dread -- I just want to keep her safe and happy and in that stage where anything seems possible in her mind. I suppose it's a way of holding onto Hannah, because that's exactly where and how she was when she left us.
I miss her so much.
4.28.2008
4.26.2008
A Big Surprise (or 2)
Yesterday Emily was complaining that "something in her mouth hurt when she licked it". It goes without saying that we were on the freeway at the time, so naturally I couldn't look right then. I ASSumed it was a chapped lip or cold sore or something and didn't think more of it right then.
So later we get home, I look in her mouth, and WHOA! Two rather large bottom incisors are poking in right behind the baby ones, which are not loose.
It also goes without saying that this happens about 15 minutes after her dentist's office closes for the weekend. Jon and I start panicking (quietly) about orthodontia.
Afterwards it occurred to me that this is the first brand-new, uncharted parenting issue we've dealt with in years. Hannah never got to this point -- she never even had a loose tooth in her life. Seeing those adult-size teeth poking through was startling, and another reminder that Emily is growing beyond where Hannah ever was.
I remember when her first teeth popped IN -- freakishly early, at 3mo. I noticed them the same day she rolled over for the first time. Hannah thought it was the coolest thing, too.
In other news, Max is walking. Typically, he is making very gradual progress -- he is steadily increasing distance, is working on turning, and last night walked and drank out of a sippy cup at the same time. He is looking a bit more little-boyish, but definitely still has a lot of babyhood to get through.
So later we get home, I look in her mouth, and WHOA! Two rather large bottom incisors are poking in right behind the baby ones, which are not loose.
It also goes without saying that this happens about 15 minutes after her dentist's office closes for the weekend. Jon and I start panicking (quietly) about orthodontia.
Afterwards it occurred to me that this is the first brand-new, uncharted parenting issue we've dealt with in years. Hannah never got to this point -- she never even had a loose tooth in her life. Seeing those adult-size teeth poking through was startling, and another reminder that Emily is growing beyond where Hannah ever was.
I remember when her first teeth popped IN -- freakishly early, at 3mo. I noticed them the same day she rolled over for the first time. Hannah thought it was the coolest thing, too.
In other news, Max is walking. Typically, he is making very gradual progress -- he is steadily increasing distance, is working on turning, and last night walked and drank out of a sippy cup at the same time. He is looking a bit more little-boyish, but definitely still has a lot of babyhood to get through.
4.17.2008
10 years ago today
Hannah was born, and we became parents.
It was an incredibly difficult labor -- we were trying to do a completely "natural" Bradley birth, despite being induced, so there I was with no epidural or pain meds, Pitocin contractions that felt like I was being ground up inside, and total fear and panic -- I think it took a long time to dilate because I was so freaked out I was subconsciously trying to shut down the whole process. I had nightmares about it for a little while afterwards.
I'd willingly go through every second of it again and again, if we could have Hannah back. Even if we couldn't, I wouldn't change it -- it was worth everything ten times over just to have had her in our lives.
I don't know why this birthday is so much harder. Maybe it's a "milestone" birthday of sorts -- 10 years old. And seeing the kids her age at Emily's school makes me realize how very different she would be. Emily is right at the age where Hannah was, and reminds me so much of her, but even now I can see her starting to grow beyond that -- next year will be very different. I also just realized Max is the exact age now that Emily was when we went on our last trip with Hannah -- the Labor Day weekend in Chicago.
I wanted to go up to Michigan today but was so torn, because Jon couldn't get away and the thought of leaving him alone tonight is hard. I want to be where Hannah last was, but I also want to be with Jon.
I'll ask friends to go by the rock, leave a few flowers, and perhaps release a balloon or two. Hopefully I can get up there next week sometime.
It's going to be a long day.
It was an incredibly difficult labor -- we were trying to do a completely "natural" Bradley birth, despite being induced, so there I was with no epidural or pain meds, Pitocin contractions that felt like I was being ground up inside, and total fear and panic -- I think it took a long time to dilate because I was so freaked out I was subconsciously trying to shut down the whole process. I had nightmares about it for a little while afterwards.
I'd willingly go through every second of it again and again, if we could have Hannah back. Even if we couldn't, I wouldn't change it -- it was worth everything ten times over just to have had her in our lives.
I don't know why this birthday is so much harder. Maybe it's a "milestone" birthday of sorts -- 10 years old. And seeing the kids her age at Emily's school makes me realize how very different she would be. Emily is right at the age where Hannah was, and reminds me so much of her, but even now I can see her starting to grow beyond that -- next year will be very different. I also just realized Max is the exact age now that Emily was when we went on our last trip with Hannah -- the Labor Day weekend in Chicago.
I wanted to go up to Michigan today but was so torn, because Jon couldn't get away and the thought of leaving him alone tonight is hard. I want to be where Hannah last was, but I also want to be with Jon.
I'll ask friends to go by the rock, leave a few flowers, and perhaps release a balloon or two. Hopefully I can get up there next week sometime.
It's going to be a long day.
4.09.2008
Well, damn
Max rewarded my optimism with being completely fussy, clingy, whiny and bratty today, right around the time I finished posting the last entry. Bleah.
I also feel under the weather (stomach issues) so maybe he's feeling a bit punk too.
Anyway, though -- with regards to winter, I submit the following by Winston Churchill: "It is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning."
So, we'll see.
I have the Essure procedure scheduled for mid-May, and 3 months after that I should be completely done with ever worrying about getting pregnant. I'm still kicking myself for not just getting a tubal as long as they were in there getting Max out, but I read one or two accounts of bad-ish side effects from tubals (heavier periods, etc.) and for some reason I panicked.
In hindsight, I suspect I also wasn't ready to take a permanent step until I knew everything would be fine with Max -- at the time I didn't think of that consciously, but I remember after Hannah died and feeling so stymied and frustrated by the fact that we had already been DONE with kids and Jon had finally gotten the snip, and then there we were facing all those decisions again.
Oh, well.
Even if, God/Allah/whoever forbid, something happens to one of the children, there is just no way in hell I can ever, ever be pregnant or have a baby again. I am just too damn old, my health is already compromised enough, and I'm just OVER the baby thing, completely. I love Max and he is cute and I will sort of miss his babyhood once it's really gone, but I sure won't wish it back. I am ready to move on. I feel like we have been running in place for a decade; like we've flunked kindergarten a few times... for 10 years we have had only children age 5 and under.
Well, enough blathering.
I also feel under the weather (stomach issues) so maybe he's feeling a bit punk too.
Anyway, though -- with regards to winter, I submit the following by Winston Churchill: "It is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning."
So, we'll see.
I have the Essure procedure scheduled for mid-May, and 3 months after that I should be completely done with ever worrying about getting pregnant. I'm still kicking myself for not just getting a tubal as long as they were in there getting Max out, but I read one or two accounts of bad-ish side effects from tubals (heavier periods, etc.) and for some reason I panicked.
In hindsight, I suspect I also wasn't ready to take a permanent step until I knew everything would be fine with Max -- at the time I didn't think of that consciously, but I remember after Hannah died and feeling so stymied and frustrated by the fact that we had already been DONE with kids and Jon had finally gotten the snip, and then there we were facing all those decisions again.
Oh, well.
Even if, God/Allah/whoever forbid, something happens to one of the children, there is just no way in hell I can ever, ever be pregnant or have a baby again. I am just too damn old, my health is already compromised enough, and I'm just OVER the baby thing, completely. I love Max and he is cute and I will sort of miss his babyhood once it's really gone, but I sure won't wish it back. I am ready to move on. I feel like we have been running in place for a decade; like we've flunked kindergarten a few times... for 10 years we have had only children age 5 and under.
Well, enough blathering.
Why, yes it could!
It IS finally spring. 60's all week so far (tho rainy today); lots of outside play, reconnecting with neighbors (nothing's perfect, alas, though the racist idjit neighbors should be putting their house on the market this month, or so I was told), opening windows and getting fresh air in the house and car, etc. etc.
Yesterday the kids and I met up with a new friend (Jaci) at the JCC playground after school. We actually met through the grandmother of the other kids, who had played with Emily on two different occasions at the mall. So I invited Jan (and Jaci) to come to book club. Jan came and it was spectacular -- she fits right in and we all enjoyed having her there. Jaci and I hit it off pretty well too. She is very down-to-earth, has a sense of humor, and I like her very much. She's also a photographer so she brought along her gorgeous new camera (my camera is the digital equivalent of an Instamatic, by comparison) and took tons of shots of the big kids (Boston, Ridley, and Emily) and of Max too.
Emily and Boston bonded instantly at the mall. It's funny because before we talked to Jan, I was noticing what a nice, NORMAL-looking kid he was -- no camouflage, no mullet, no bad manners. Ridley and Emily get along well too, but Boston is clearly the one who befriended E.
I think the end is finally in sight for YSU's term. Jon is still completely fried, but doesn't seem as dispirited as before. No doubt the weather finally becoming civilized makes a difference, plus it's not so damn DARK all the time.
Max loves crawling around in dirt/mulch/grass/mud. The girls kind of liked it, but he ADORES it. He has been happier and less fussy, at least partly as a result of all the fresh air, although last night he woke up several times, so I'm feeling it today.
I reclaimed my purse (the former recycling bin/compost heap/dumpster with handles) and straightened out/caught up the finances, and that has made a huge difference too. I haven't told Jon yet that I can automatically enter/download/reconcile, unlike before when we used to do it all manually, so he thinks I'm working a lot harder on it than I am. Shhh.
This was definitely a winter of discontent!
Yesterday the kids and I met up with a new friend (Jaci) at the JCC playground after school. We actually met through the grandmother of the other kids, who had played with Emily on two different occasions at the mall. So I invited Jan (and Jaci) to come to book club. Jan came and it was spectacular -- she fits right in and we all enjoyed having her there. Jaci and I hit it off pretty well too. She is very down-to-earth, has a sense of humor, and I like her very much. She's also a photographer so she brought along her gorgeous new camera (my camera is the digital equivalent of an Instamatic, by comparison) and took tons of shots of the big kids (Boston, Ridley, and Emily) and of Max too.
Emily and Boston bonded instantly at the mall. It's funny because before we talked to Jan, I was noticing what a nice, NORMAL-looking kid he was -- no camouflage, no mullet, no bad manners. Ridley and Emily get along well too, but Boston is clearly the one who befriended E.
I think the end is finally in sight for YSU's term. Jon is still completely fried, but doesn't seem as dispirited as before. No doubt the weather finally becoming civilized makes a difference, plus it's not so damn DARK all the time.
Max loves crawling around in dirt/mulch/grass/mud. The girls kind of liked it, but he ADORES it. He has been happier and less fussy, at least partly as a result of all the fresh air, although last night he woke up several times, so I'm feeling it today.
I reclaimed my purse (the former recycling bin/compost heap/dumpster with handles) and straightened out/caught up the finances, and that has made a huge difference too. I haven't told Jon yet that I can automatically enter/download/reconcile, unlike before when we used to do it all manually, so he thinks I'm working a lot harder on it than I am. Shhh.
This was definitely a winter of discontent!
3.26.2008
Could it be?
Today was 50ish and sunny -- and we were actually outside to enjoy it. Emily's school finally let the kids go OUTSIDE for recess (another rant for another day) and then after school we went for a longish walk around the 'hood, with Max in the stroller. It was so nice to just be OUTSIDE. I think this long dreary winter has gotten to us far more than I thought it had.
Max has stood on his own a few times, and taken one or two steps, but as when he started crawling, it doesn't seem like he quite realizes what it is he's doing. I think it's a matter of a week or two at the most, though, before it finally clicks and he starts walking everywhere. That will be good in some ways and horrible in others -- I have a ton of babyproofing to do still, but if he's walking it will be much more fun to go outside and let him toddle around and hopefully tire himself out.
The sleeping (!) is still a joke, but I think I'm finally going to have to give in and Ferberize, probably this summer (once YSU's term is over). I suppose "never say never" applies to parenting as much as it does to anything else. When Hannah was a baby there was a huge flap over Ezzo (Babywise) vs. Sears (attachment parenting) and in my naive addled new-parental white-hot self-righteousness, Sears/AP was THE only way to parent and anyone who deviated even slightly from that wasn't fit to care for a houseplant, let alone a child.
Luckily, almost 10 years into parenting, I've had enough of the shit kicked out of me and learned from it in the bargain. I still would rather take a more AP approach, but not at the expense of my sanity, marriage, older child and physical well-being.
I'm probably just as naive and rigid in my thinking about parenting teenagers as I once was about parenting infants/toddlers, but at least I know now to keep my mouth shut (most of the time) and just watch and LEARN.
Besides, right now the idea of having two children who would rather die than be seen in public with me and who skulk monosyllabically in their rooms and only come out to eat, shit and go to school sounds rather heavenly, after a day of having one child physically attached to my boob/lap/legs and the other talking at me nonstop from the moment she wakes until she finally drifts off to sleep. I love them with every fiber of my being, but my being is pretty darned worn out by now.
Remind me of this in 5 to 10 years, by the way.
Max has stood on his own a few times, and taken one or two steps, but as when he started crawling, it doesn't seem like he quite realizes what it is he's doing. I think it's a matter of a week or two at the most, though, before it finally clicks and he starts walking everywhere. That will be good in some ways and horrible in others -- I have a ton of babyproofing to do still, but if he's walking it will be much more fun to go outside and let him toddle around and hopefully tire himself out.
The sleeping (!) is still a joke, but I think I'm finally going to have to give in and Ferberize, probably this summer (once YSU's term is over). I suppose "never say never" applies to parenting as much as it does to anything else. When Hannah was a baby there was a huge flap over Ezzo (Babywise) vs. Sears (attachment parenting) and in my naive addled new-parental white-hot self-righteousness, Sears/AP was THE only way to parent and anyone who deviated even slightly from that wasn't fit to care for a houseplant, let alone a child.
Luckily, almost 10 years into parenting, I've had enough of the shit kicked out of me and learned from it in the bargain. I still would rather take a more AP approach, but not at the expense of my sanity, marriage, older child and physical well-being.
I'm probably just as naive and rigid in my thinking about parenting teenagers as I once was about parenting infants/toddlers, but at least I know now to keep my mouth shut (most of the time) and just watch and LEARN.
Besides, right now the idea of having two children who would rather die than be seen in public with me and who skulk monosyllabically in their rooms and only come out to eat, shit and go to school sounds rather heavenly, after a day of having one child physically attached to my boob/lap/legs and the other talking at me nonstop from the moment she wakes until she finally drifts off to sleep. I love them with every fiber of my being, but my being is pretty darned worn out by now.
Remind me of this in 5 to 10 years, by the way.
1.31.2008
fyi
Today is the 4th anniversary of Hannah's memorial service. In a way that date hits me as much as December 20th.
In some ways it's harder, since I don't remember the 20th at all and can't even pinpoint the day or time when I realized she had died -- I was in such a fog from my own injuries. But the memorial service was the day when I could no longer pretend that it hadn't happened; we were there with probably close to 300 other people for the express purpose of acknowledging her death. I put it off as long as I could, but we ultimately had to do it.
And another quirky thing that's bothering me is that on February 10, Emily will have lived longer than Hannah did -- Hannah was 5 yrs, 8mo and 3 days when she died. I obviously want Emily to live a long happy life, but it is another way that it feels we're leaving Hannah behind, and that hurts too.
In some ways it's harder, since I don't remember the 20th at all and can't even pinpoint the day or time when I realized she had died -- I was in such a fog from my own injuries. But the memorial service was the day when I could no longer pretend that it hadn't happened; we were there with probably close to 300 other people for the express purpose of acknowledging her death. I put it off as long as I could, but we ultimately had to do it.
And another quirky thing that's bothering me is that on February 10, Emily will have lived longer than Hannah did -- Hannah was 5 yrs, 8mo and 3 days when she died. I obviously want Emily to live a long happy life, but it is another way that it feels we're leaving Hannah behind, and that hurts too.
1.23.2008
Cautiously peers out...
Nothing much new to report. Max is now one year old, and cute as a button (see pic). Emily is doing well in school -- behaviors have really settled down. I think it was a maturity issue as much as anything. She and Julia still sometimes egg each other on in being silly, but things seem to be a little calmer. My relationship with her is great -- for some reason we seem to be closer than ever, and I am enjoying her company a lot more. Again, maybe a maturity thing, who knows?
Max is still a horrid, horrid "sleeper" (ha!). I was steered towards Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, by Marc Weissbluth, and so far I'm not that enthusiastic -- he pretty much does recommend the cry-it-out thing, only not gradual/incremental like Ferber.
On the other hand, I don't know what other options I have. I do think Max has trouble letting go and falling asleep, he's used to sleeping either in my arms, my bed or the car, and it's just getting impossible -- it's like I've had a newborn for an entire year. I am trying to figure out how to work it so I can get a much earlier bedtime for him, and get him to take REAL naps. In his crib, even. As I said before, I no longer view CIO on a par with human-rights abuses and the SS, but I am very, very uncomfortable with letting my kids cry, at least as infants. I do know, though, that at some point we're going to have a come-to-Jesus about sleep and staying in bed, and it's only a question of when. I am at the point where I want it to change but I am NOT ready to actually DO anything yet, because I'm the world's biggest wuss, and I am also very, very bad about process -- if it doesn't work IMMEDIATELY I will melt down and be all despairing and martyred and pissed off, and nobody likes that either.
Helllllllllllllllp.
Max is still a horrid, horrid "sleeper" (ha!). I was steered towards Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, by Marc Weissbluth, and so far I'm not that enthusiastic -- he pretty much does recommend the cry-it-out thing, only not gradual/incremental like Ferber.
On the other hand, I don't know what other options I have. I do think Max has trouble letting go and falling asleep, he's used to sleeping either in my arms, my bed or the car, and it's just getting impossible -- it's like I've had a newborn for an entire year. I am trying to figure out how to work it so I can get a much earlier bedtime for him, and get him to take REAL naps. In his crib, even. As I said before, I no longer view CIO on a par with human-rights abuses and the SS, but I am very, very uncomfortable with letting my kids cry, at least as infants. I do know, though, that at some point we're going to have a come-to-Jesus about sleep and staying in bed, and it's only a question of when. I am at the point where I want it to change but I am NOT ready to actually DO anything yet, because I'm the world's biggest wuss, and I am also very, very bad about process -- if it doesn't work IMMEDIATELY I will melt down and be all despairing and martyred and pissed off, and nobody likes that either.
Helllllllllllllllp.
1.05.2008
Holy maelstrom, Batman
I am obviously getting too old and insane to be trusted with heavy (laptop-sized) machinery. I was so oblivious to even my own pages that I didn't consider the consequences of having the blog linked.
Anyway, we'll see what happens from here.
Right now I'm whipped -- Max is the world's worst co-sleeper, and it seems I have been juggling him and nursing for 12 hours. He's almost 1yo -- this has to stop.
I don't know HOW, because although I no longer think CIO is right up there with war crimes and animal cruelty, I still don't have the strength/guts/wherewithal to follow through with doing it.
Partly because I suspect it wouldn't quite work yet, too -- he's in the height of separation anxiety.
I know the day will come sooner than I think when he will be a lumbering teenage boy who wants to sleep until noon every day, and it's not that I wish his whole childhood away, but I would give ANYTHING for one night of completely uninterrupted sleep, alone, with room service and unlimited cable.
Anyway, we'll see what happens from here.
Right now I'm whipped -- Max is the world's worst co-sleeper, and it seems I have been juggling him and nursing for 12 hours. He's almost 1yo -- this has to stop.
I don't know HOW, because although I no longer think CIO is right up there with war crimes and animal cruelty, I still don't have the strength/guts/wherewithal to follow through with doing it.
Partly because I suspect it wouldn't quite work yet, too -- he's in the height of separation anxiety.
I know the day will come sooner than I think when he will be a lumbering teenage boy who wants to sleep until noon every day, and it's not that I wish his whole childhood away, but I would give ANYTHING for one night of completely uninterrupted sleep, alone, with room service and unlimited cable.
1.02.2008
Snow day!
Because points north of us got about 1" of snow, they canceled school. Just as well; I think it would have been hard on everyone to go back barely a day after staying up til midnight and eating crap.
Went to Lisa W's house last night and hung out and ate pizza. The girls ran wild all over the house and Max had a blast with the train table, in between attempts to make a break for the stairs (he is obsessed with climbing stairs, which reminds me I have to figure out a way to rig a gate at the bottom of ours).
It's fun when you get to know a family where the dhs are friends and the kids get along, on top of Lisa's and my friendship.
I'm sitting here with Max sleeping on my lap. I really should try to put him down in his crib, but I know he'd wake up right away and I'd get frustrated and I don't want to get all bent out of shape. It really is getting out of hand, though -- I can't do anything whether he's asleep or awake. Gah.
Went to Lisa W's house last night and hung out and ate pizza. The girls ran wild all over the house and Max had a blast with the train table, in between attempts to make a break for the stairs (he is obsessed with climbing stairs, which reminds me I have to figure out a way to rig a gate at the bottom of ours).
It's fun when you get to know a family where the dhs are friends and the kids get along, on top of Lisa's and my friendship.
I'm sitting here with Max sleeping on my lap. I really should try to put him down in his crib, but I know he'd wake up right away and I'd get frustrated and I don't want to get all bent out of shape. It really is getting out of hand, though -- I can't do anything whether he's asleep or awake. Gah.
12.31.2007
buh-bye, 2007
Well, as years go, '07 was a really mixed bag.
We had Max, which was the single best thing, despite occasional sleep-deprived colicky moments to the contrary.
Emily started kindergarten at a great school and is doing beautifully.
We're all still alive and healthy-ish. Financially we are in fine shape.
On the downside, Jon is having to work his ass off just to get the minimal tenure requirements finished (due to transient students who are not always as competent in the lab as they should be); Hannah has been gone 4 years now and it is still very difficult; my dad is on a downward spiral; my sister has been on and off of a downward spiral (am hoping it's now stabilized); the various meetup dramas are increasing in both frequency and absurdity; and our house/yard is going to need major work in the near future.
The thing that's so frustrating about the latest turn-up with the BoredMoms is that a 6-week-old blog entry written in extreme anger, is now going to be taken as etched in stone. As if nobody else has ever lost their shit and reacted to something by spewing venom. Like other dramas, it will have its half-life and then die out slowly, or it would if there wasn't such a pathological need to stir the shit. Stay tuned.
We had Max, which was the single best thing, despite occasional sleep-deprived colicky moments to the contrary.
Emily started kindergarten at a great school and is doing beautifully.
We're all still alive and healthy-ish. Financially we are in fine shape.
On the downside, Jon is having to work his ass off just to get the minimal tenure requirements finished (due to transient students who are not always as competent in the lab as they should be); Hannah has been gone 4 years now and it is still very difficult; my dad is on a downward spiral; my sister has been on and off of a downward spiral (am hoping it's now stabilized); the various meetup dramas are increasing in both frequency and absurdity; and our house/yard is going to need major work in the near future.
The thing that's so frustrating about the latest turn-up with the BoredMoms is that a 6-week-old blog entry written in extreme anger, is now going to be taken as etched in stone. As if nobody else has ever lost their shit and reacted to something by spewing venom. Like other dramas, it will have its half-life and then die out slowly, or it would if there wasn't such a pathological need to stir the shit. Stay tuned.
12.07.2007
Sandwich
I have officially become part of the Sandwich Generation. I have small needy children, and now I have a father who is dying, and it is not fun.
Dad has been a using alcoholic at least since his 30's if not before, and it is finally catching up with him. His liver is shutting down, he's bleeding internally, and I've been led to understand it's a matter of weeks, at best.
So: he's in south Texas, Zoe is in Florida, and I'm in the butt-guy state. Dad's cousin Chula is shouldering the load right now, which is made more complicated by the fact that she lost her own father a couple of weeks ago. RIP, Tio Joel.
So obviously one of us has to go there and help out. I want to see him and say goodbye. Zoe has the POA which she is barely equipped to handle, but she says she is going down there. Jon is still swamped with work, Emily has 2 more weeks of school, Max is absolutely the worst possible age/stage to take on a trip like this, and the anniversary of Hannah's death AND Christmas are bearing down on us.
Help.
Dad has been a using alcoholic at least since his 30's if not before, and it is finally catching up with him. His liver is shutting down, he's bleeding internally, and I've been led to understand it's a matter of weeks, at best.
So: he's in south Texas, Zoe is in Florida, and I'm in the butt-guy state. Dad's cousin Chula is shouldering the load right now, which is made more complicated by the fact that she lost her own father a couple of weeks ago. RIP, Tio Joel.
So obviously one of us has to go there and help out. I want to see him and say goodbye. Zoe has the POA which she is barely equipped to handle, but she says she is going down there. Jon is still swamped with work, Emily has 2 more weeks of school, Max is absolutely the worst possible age/stage to take on a trip like this, and the anniversary of Hannah's death AND Christmas are bearing down on us.
Help.
11.23.2007
pleasantly surprised
So after all that gnashing of keys, it actually turned out to be a nice day. We did the turkey/stuffing/mashed potato thing; it all turned out perfect and delicious. Emily helped with a few things, we sat around and ate cinnamon rolls and watched the parade, ate when it was ready, and even despite Max being whiny and uncooperative during the meal, it was a great time.
Then we went to Gary & Nesha's for pie and wine, which was also good. Although I had 3 big glasses of wine and had a minor headache this morning.
Today Jon went in and worked most of the day, but I braved the crowds and took the kids to the mall for a while -- actually got a parking space pretty close in, and the playground was the least-crowded part of the mall. Then a good dinner tonight (turkey tetrazzini), turkey stock made and put away, and all is good.
AND Emily is contentedly asleep in her bed wearing her pink-and-white handknit socks. That makes me very happy!
Then we went to Gary & Nesha's for pie and wine, which was also good. Although I had 3 big glasses of wine and had a minor headache this morning.
Today Jon went in and worked most of the day, but I braved the crowds and took the kids to the mall for a while -- actually got a parking space pretty close in, and the playground was the least-crowded part of the mall. Then a good dinner tonight (turkey tetrazzini), turkey stock made and put away, and all is good.
AND Emily is contentedly asleep in her bed wearing her pink-and-white handknit socks. That makes me very happy!
11.19.2007
ssdd
I did get a week's worth called in and have an appt. for next Monday, so at least for the rest of the week I should be slightly less unpleasant.
I also think I'm in a bad state because we're coming up on the holidays, and now we're at the real "groundhog day" part -- once again, we have a kindergartener, a toddler/baby, work stress, holiday rush... and last time we were in this place, the worst happened.
When I was at my hair appointment the other day and there was a pair of twins getting their haircuts in the chair next to mine, that really triggered it, I think. They were just a bit younger than Hannah would be now; they reminded me of her a bit, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was crying a bit while the color was setting, luckily nobody noticed. But it set the tone for the rest of the day, and I think it is also why I am in such a really, really bad emotional place right now.
I'm still debating whether to do an actual Thanksgiving dinner or not. I wish the Walkers had invited us over for the meal as well, instead of just after-dinner stuff. I know they want to have the quiet time with the girls, and don't need the added work of cooking for more people, but we really need someone with us, I think.
Some options might be to take Emily out for lunch somewhere fun and then to a movie -- we were thinking of taking her to the Bee movie, since it looked like fun to us too. Or maybe go bowling, or down to P'bgh to the children's museum and then off for Indian food afterwards. I just don't know.
Emily is excited about having a Thanksgiving dinner, though, and wants to use the placemat she made at school, and I do love turkey/stuffing/mashed potatoes/etc.
I suppose we could thrash around and try to find someone to invite, but then it gets awkward if we have plans after dinner and have to get the guests to leave. Plus, pretty much everyone I like well enough to have them over to a holiday meal already has plans/family lined up that day.
I am SO TIRED of feeling this way. I don't know how to pull myself out of it. I know I was talking a good game a few posts back about trying to get some exercise and eat better, and I think I really need to do that -- well, I don't have a choice, actually, because my physical health is at stake too. But I can't muster up the energy/gumption/life to actually get off my ass and do it. The house is getting kind of ragged around the edges again, but I just can't be bothered, but then it becomes a vicious cycle because I can't stand the squalor and have to get out of the house, which means less gets done, etc. etc.
bleah
I also think I'm in a bad state because we're coming up on the holidays, and now we're at the real "groundhog day" part -- once again, we have a kindergartener, a toddler/baby, work stress, holiday rush... and last time we were in this place, the worst happened.
When I was at my hair appointment the other day and there was a pair of twins getting their haircuts in the chair next to mine, that really triggered it, I think. They were just a bit younger than Hannah would be now; they reminded me of her a bit, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was crying a bit while the color was setting, luckily nobody noticed. But it set the tone for the rest of the day, and I think it is also why I am in such a really, really bad emotional place right now.
I'm still debating whether to do an actual Thanksgiving dinner or not. I wish the Walkers had invited us over for the meal as well, instead of just after-dinner stuff. I know they want to have the quiet time with the girls, and don't need the added work of cooking for more people, but we really need someone with us, I think.
Some options might be to take Emily out for lunch somewhere fun and then to a movie -- we were thinking of taking her to the Bee movie, since it looked like fun to us too. Or maybe go bowling, or down to P'bgh to the children's museum and then off for Indian food afterwards. I just don't know.
Emily is excited about having a Thanksgiving dinner, though, and wants to use the placemat she made at school, and I do love turkey/stuffing/mashed potatoes/etc.
I suppose we could thrash around and try to find someone to invite, but then it gets awkward if we have plans after dinner and have to get the guests to leave. Plus, pretty much everyone I like well enough to have them over to a holiday meal already has plans/family lined up that day.
I am SO TIRED of feeling this way. I don't know how to pull myself out of it. I know I was talking a good game a few posts back about trying to get some exercise and eat better, and I think I really need to do that -- well, I don't have a choice, actually, because my physical health is at stake too. But I can't muster up the energy/gumption/life to actually get off my ass and do it. The house is getting kind of ragged around the edges again, but I just can't be bothered, but then it becomes a vicious cycle because I can't stand the squalor and have to get out of the house, which means less gets done, etc. etc.
bleah
11.18.2007
oops
Forgot my appointment for the meds on Saturday. Funny, I remembered the hair color appointment.
Well, I'll try to set up something asap and see if they'll call in a 1-month refill at least. I was hoping that perhaps after a few days I could get myself off the meds, but I seem to be getting worse.
I'm kind of over the whole thanksgiving thing. I love the meal, but the idea of doing all of that for just me and Jon, and to a lesser extent Emily, just seems daunting. We are going to the Walkers after their dinner for pie and board games, but maybe we can look into going somewhere for Indian food or something for our actual dinner? I dunno.
bleah.
Well, I'll try to set up something asap and see if they'll call in a 1-month refill at least. I was hoping that perhaps after a few days I could get myself off the meds, but I seem to be getting worse.
I'm kind of over the whole thanksgiving thing. I love the meal, but the idea of doing all of that for just me and Jon, and to a lesser extent Emily, just seems daunting. We are going to the Walkers after their dinner for pie and board games, but maybe we can look into going somewhere for Indian food or something for our actual dinner? I dunno.
bleah.
11.14.2007
Wal Mart mom
I am SO impatient lately. Part of it is that I've run out of meds (will get refill script on Sat.).
Part of it is that Max is teething big time -- I'm thinking molars or multiple teeth at minimum -- so he has a little diaper rash, is drooling and biting constantly, and is very very very very fussy.
And Emily is pretty hyper. That's just her personality, anyway, but I have not nearly enough tolerance for it lately. I think she needs a lot more physical activity -- free running around time, but maybe also something like gymnastics or something.
The main thing, I think, is that I REALLY am dropping the ball in terms of taking care of myself. I am eating total crap/caca/garbage, all day, every day. I am getting NO exercise. I spend way too much time on the computer, or at least the time I spend is reading/posting on that ridiculous local Meetup board I'm on instead of something like this, or working on graphics stuff, or reading things of some substance and interest.
I made a sort of rice-and-beans dish tonight and it was amazing how much better I felt, just eating real food instead of crap.
I always, always, always put myself on the back burner and it has to stop. Not necessarily in an altruistic self-sacrificing way, but in an instant-gratification quick & dirty kind of way -- I nickel-and-dime myself and my health, because I think that's all I can manage and I don't try to put just 10 minutes of effort into doing something better for myself -- making something decent to eat instead of hitting a drive-thru.
It's not like I'm trying to make a souffle and pheasant -- the rice and beans thing took MAYBE five, ten minutes to put together, from chopping the first onion to getting it simmering. Grated some cheese while it cooked, and voila. It's way better than anything I could get in any of the pathetic ratholes that pass for restaurants around here, and it is certainly faster and cheaper.
Maybe one thing that would help is leaning more towards a vegetarian, or at least a mostly no-red-meat approach to our food here. Emily really doesn't like meat that much anyway, it costs out the wazoo, and handling and keeping it is a pain in the butt. I don't think I can go entirely meatless -- I do like chicken and turkey, and I think a very occasional roast or curried ground meat dish is too good to forgo entirely.
I'm just over the whole weight-loss thing, too. It becomes such a numbers game and I start focusing on that instead of stepping back and looking at the big picture of how I eat as a whole, and how I live. I suspect that if I were to get my act together in terms of food and getting a little exercise, I'd end up the size I'm supposed to be. I know I'm not a skinny person, and even being quite overweight as I currently am, I'm reasonably well-proportioned -- I don't have a giant ass or a weird overall shape, but what's happened to my abdominals just doesn't bear thinking about. Having a baby in my 40's wasn't exactly the wisest choice health-wise either, but too late to worry about that now.
Found out today that in my psychotic playgroup, something I was blamed for (and in turn wrongly accused someone else of) was actually done by someone I considered a friend -- someone who really seemed like she was way beyond doing petty bullshit like that. Very disappointing.
So: Tomorrow is Thursday. Nothing major to do. How can I approach this rationally, in a way that is not actually destructive to my health?
I can: Eat breakfast. Even if it's just cheese toast or oatmeal, and a piece of fruit.
Have some tea, maybe, instead of instant coffee cack.
Do a lap of the mall -- just a quick walk around. Then stop at the playground and let Max do some crawling and playing.
Get a shower in.
Make something decent for dinner -- potato-cauliflower soup?
Try to just pick up a little around the house.
Call Intuit's customer service and try to get the Quicken clusterfuck unclustered and unfucked.
Stay tuned. Or as Tim Gunn would say, "Carry on".
Part of it is that Max is teething big time -- I'm thinking molars or multiple teeth at minimum -- so he has a little diaper rash, is drooling and biting constantly, and is very very very very fussy.
And Emily is pretty hyper. That's just her personality, anyway, but I have not nearly enough tolerance for it lately. I think she needs a lot more physical activity -- free running around time, but maybe also something like gymnastics or something.
The main thing, I think, is that I REALLY am dropping the ball in terms of taking care of myself. I am eating total crap/caca/garbage, all day, every day. I am getting NO exercise. I spend way too much time on the computer, or at least the time I spend is reading/posting on that ridiculous local Meetup board I'm on instead of something like this, or working on graphics stuff, or reading things of some substance and interest.
I made a sort of rice-and-beans dish tonight and it was amazing how much better I felt, just eating real food instead of crap.
I always, always, always put myself on the back burner and it has to stop. Not necessarily in an altruistic self-sacrificing way, but in an instant-gratification quick & dirty kind of way -- I nickel-and-dime myself and my health, because I think that's all I can manage and I don't try to put just 10 minutes of effort into doing something better for myself -- making something decent to eat instead of hitting a drive-thru.
It's not like I'm trying to make a souffle and pheasant -- the rice and beans thing took MAYBE five, ten minutes to put together, from chopping the first onion to getting it simmering. Grated some cheese while it cooked, and voila. It's way better than anything I could get in any of the pathetic ratholes that pass for restaurants around here, and it is certainly faster and cheaper.
Maybe one thing that would help is leaning more towards a vegetarian, or at least a mostly no-red-meat approach to our food here. Emily really doesn't like meat that much anyway, it costs out the wazoo, and handling and keeping it is a pain in the butt. I don't think I can go entirely meatless -- I do like chicken and turkey, and I think a very occasional roast or curried ground meat dish is too good to forgo entirely.
I'm just over the whole weight-loss thing, too. It becomes such a numbers game and I start focusing on that instead of stepping back and looking at the big picture of how I eat as a whole, and how I live. I suspect that if I were to get my act together in terms of food and getting a little exercise, I'd end up the size I'm supposed to be. I know I'm not a skinny person, and even being quite overweight as I currently am, I'm reasonably well-proportioned -- I don't have a giant ass or a weird overall shape, but what's happened to my abdominals just doesn't bear thinking about. Having a baby in my 40's wasn't exactly the wisest choice health-wise either, but too late to worry about that now.
Found out today that in my psychotic playgroup, something I was blamed for (and in turn wrongly accused someone else of) was actually done by someone I considered a friend -- someone who really seemed like she was way beyond doing petty bullshit like that. Very disappointing.
So: Tomorrow is Thursday. Nothing major to do. How can I approach this rationally, in a way that is not actually destructive to my health?
I can: Eat breakfast. Even if it's just cheese toast or oatmeal, and a piece of fruit.
Have some tea, maybe, instead of instant coffee cack.
Do a lap of the mall -- just a quick walk around. Then stop at the playground and let Max do some crawling and playing.
Get a shower in.
Make something decent for dinner -- potato-cauliflower soup?
Try to just pick up a little around the house.
Call Intuit's customer service and try to get the Quicken clusterfuck unclustered and unfucked.
Stay tuned. Or as Tim Gunn would say, "Carry on".
The apple of my eye
Right now, it's my BRAND NEW MACBOOK.
Yes, after nearly a decade on the Dark Side, I have gone back. Once you go Mac, you won't go back. Or something.
I have to say, it's been great to finally have MY VERY OWN computer, but wow, a decade away can make it rather difficult to remember how to do stuff.
I got used to the PC interface, and Windows did evolve pretty nicely over the years, and so I seem to have it hard-wired into my brain.
But with the Mac, it's almost counter-intuitive (counter to how they market themselves). It is as though they think they have to do the work for you. I used iPhoto and discovered that somehow individual photos are not saved, so that I end up trying to use a "library" for an avatar. I suppose it doesn't help that I am ten years older and had a brain injury and three kids during that time.
Oh well, working my way up the learning curve should help stave off dementia, at least by another week or so.
Yes, after nearly a decade on the Dark Side, I have gone back. Once you go Mac, you won't go back. Or something.
I have to say, it's been great to finally have MY VERY OWN computer, but wow, a decade away can make it rather difficult to remember how to do stuff.
I got used to the PC interface, and Windows did evolve pretty nicely over the years, and so I seem to have it hard-wired into my brain.
But with the Mac, it's almost counter-intuitive (counter to how they market themselves). It is as though they think they have to do the work for you. I used iPhoto and discovered that somehow individual photos are not saved, so that I end up trying to use a "library" for an avatar. I suppose it doesn't help that I am ten years older and had a brain injury and three kids during that time.
Oh well, working my way up the learning curve should help stave off dementia, at least by another week or so.
8.27.2007
it's early yet
but things seem to have gotten off to a very, very smooth start today. She got up, had breakfast, everyone got ready and going in time. We get there, walk in, she goes right to the locker, then into her classroom. Happy, excited, etc.
I know this is just the start, and I'm bracing myself for the possibility that there might be a delayed reaction (as in the Montessori debacle). I have a gut feeling, though, that we are pretty well set.
This feels weird.
I know this is just the start, and I'm bracing myself for the possibility that there might be a delayed reaction (as in the Montessori debacle). I have a gut feeling, though, that we are pretty well set.
This feels weird.
8.23.2007
so far so good
Well, the kindergarten visit/orientation thing went pretty smoothly. Despite saying she was "excited but a little bit nervous", I saw mostly the former and hardly any of the latter. She was happy to be there, excited to find her desk, really jazzed about her locker, enjoyed touring around the room and the school, and seemed pretty comfortable.
I'm sure it will be a bit different next week when I'm not there and she has to stay longer than an hour, but I'm starting to think (wishfully?) that this might NOT be a repeat of the Montessori catastrophe (think R. M. S. Titanic, only with preschoolers and Montessori fundamentalist jihads). Jon will be going with us to drop her off on Monday, then from that point the idea is he will do dropoff and I will do pickup every day. I think that might be a good thing -- she gets his undivided attention for a brief time, he gets to see her school on a more or less daily basis (and precedent for this was set after Max was born and he took her to preschool, too).
One of my high-risk OBs has a daughter in the class. I've actually seen her and her little brother around all over the place this summer, with their nanny -- they go to the mall playground a lot and the Y. So we may get to know them, a bit.
Then Lisa and I met up at the bookstore and went on to the mall with the kids. Ava has the same effect on Emily that Aidan does -- they seem to bring out Emily's inner hyperactive demon two-year-old. At one point we were trying to get pizza for lunch and it was so chaotic and horrible that Lisa and I just started laughing hysterically and could not stop. Needless to say, we also saw people from Lisa's church and Emily's preschool while we were making utter crazed fools of ourselves.
It was about 400 degrees and 9,000% humidity outside today, which didn't help. EVERYONE seemed in a pissy mood, and all the kids were straight-up brats. I am really, really, really looking forward to fall.
Dinner: an improvised chicken breast thing with the thai orange bbq sauce from American Spoon, and a package of coconut jasmine rice from Target, of all places. We should do a veggie, but I'll just throw some frozen peas into the rice and call it a day.
I'm sure it will be a bit different next week when I'm not there and she has to stay longer than an hour, but I'm starting to think (wishfully?) that this might NOT be a repeat of the Montessori catastrophe (think R. M. S. Titanic, only with preschoolers and Montessori fundamentalist jihads). Jon will be going with us to drop her off on Monday, then from that point the idea is he will do dropoff and I will do pickup every day. I think that might be a good thing -- she gets his undivided attention for a brief time, he gets to see her school on a more or less daily basis (and precedent for this was set after Max was born and he took her to preschool, too).
One of my high-risk OBs has a daughter in the class. I've actually seen her and her little brother around all over the place this summer, with their nanny -- they go to the mall playground a lot and the Y. So we may get to know them, a bit.
Then Lisa and I met up at the bookstore and went on to the mall with the kids. Ava has the same effect on Emily that Aidan does -- they seem to bring out Emily's inner hyperactive demon two-year-old. At one point we were trying to get pizza for lunch and it was so chaotic and horrible that Lisa and I just started laughing hysterically and could not stop. Needless to say, we also saw people from Lisa's church and Emily's preschool while we were making utter crazed fools of ourselves.
It was about 400 degrees and 9,000% humidity outside today, which didn't help. EVERYONE seemed in a pissy mood, and all the kids were straight-up brats. I am really, really, really looking forward to fall.
Dinner: an improvised chicken breast thing with the thai orange bbq sauce from American Spoon, and a package of coconut jasmine rice from Target, of all places. We should do a veggie, but I'll just throw some frozen peas into the rice and call it a day.
grrrr
WHY do they offer a "remember me" option when you sign in if blogger.com NEVER REMEMBERS YOU ANYWAY?
Why does the kindy teacher want everything -- even the individual pencils -- labeled?
Why won't max sleep ANYWHERE but in a moving car or my arms?
Why are people around here so stupid?
Why is it 80 degrees and 8000% humidity? I felt like I was in the rainforest just stepping out to the car to get the school supplies?
Why don't schools supply their own damn pencils, glue and crayons? When I went to kindergarten I didn't need to buy that stuff. Of course, it was almost 40 years ago, but I think the scool supplied us with slate pencils, primers and a water pail, at least.
Why does the kindy teacher want everything -- even the individual pencils -- labeled?
Why won't max sleep ANYWHERE but in a moving car or my arms?
Why are people around here so stupid?
Why is it 80 degrees and 8000% humidity? I felt like I was in the rainforest just stepping out to the car to get the school supplies?
Why don't schools supply their own damn pencils, glue and crayons? When I went to kindergarten I didn't need to buy that stuff. Of course, it was almost 40 years ago, but I think the scool supplied us with slate pencils, primers and a water pail, at least.
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