I'm still in this crabby stage, and not sure how to shake it. The holidays were good, and things are going OK, but I'm sort of irrationally annoyed at everyone in the world who isn't worried about job security or who doesn't have a nursing toddler. I think that's my cue to start calling people and get off my ass and stop feeling sorry for myself.
I also need to get out of town. Way overdue for a visit to MI, or even a Trader Joe's run to Cleveland.
Everyone out there who prays at all, keep praying for Jon to get tenure. He's submitted one paper (twice so far, no dice) and is working on another, and doesn't have to apply until this fall, but I am just paralyzed with dread about all the what-ifs. Nobody else in the dept. had to fulfill the tenure requirements, and they all keep assuring him that it's no big deal, but to us it is. I keep feeling that it's because they haven't dealt with job insecurity or significant losses of any kind for years, whereas we have been through both of those (at the same time) fairly recently. I just want to shake them until their necks snap.
1.14.2009
12.20.2008
exactly five years ago, give or take a few minutes
our lives changed forever. I didn't even know it at the time. One minute I was driving down Whittaker road towards I-94, kids in the back babbling; I saw the light was red and a few cars were already ahead of me at the intersection.
The next minute, although it felt sort of like the next very slow half-hour, it was about two days later; I was in the hospital and vaguely sensed that something was horribly wrong, and that I needed to fix it somehow and there was this sense of urgency, but I couldn't really put a finger on it; I was also confused about where I was and why I was in the hospital. It seemed kind of dark in my room, and people were drifting in and out. I especially remember my friend Sandy sniffling a lot, and I don't know if she was crying or if she had a cold. Perhaps both.
It really wasn't until the night of the 24th, after I had been discharged and was in the MedInn (the sort of in-house hotel at the U of M medical center) that it really hit me.
Every year is hard, although this year is the first time we didn't go up to MI to be at the crash scene at the time of the accident. I had all kinds of medical misadventures early this week, and as a result we're extreeeeeemely far behind on things like cleaning, wrapping, xmas grocery shopping. Plus my mom is going to be here Monday. So we decided, reluctantly, to stay up here for this weekend, and we'll head to MI the first weekend in January.
We realized last night that the trip to MI, the stays with friends and visits to old favorite haunts in A2 and Ypsi, distract us somehow from the actual sadness of the day. However, being here underscores it. Last night we were absolutely floundering -- we desperately needed some company/support/something to get us through, but nobody around here is available for that kind of thing -- they're with their own families, or out w/friends, or just not quite the kind of friends that we can ask for this kind of support from.
Then too, the friends here, although they do care and understand that this is a hard time for us, don't experience it the same way because it is not a loss for them; whereas for Sandy and other friends in MI, they knew and loved Hannah too; so it helps us all if we can be together.
We ended by just going to the mall, getting dinner, letting the kids play, and I got a (rather nice) new haircut. I think in the future, we will still try to get up to MI for the actual date, but in the event that we can't, we will line up some kind of time with friends to see us through the worst of it.
What helped us through the initial loss back in 2003 was the sheer amount of human companionship -- every morning, and every evening, various friends from the neighborhood, church, Hannah's school, whatever; someone always came and sat with us or brought dinner or just kept us company; chatting, even laughing about stuff. Being alone with just the kids and the grief last night was too hard.
I felt a little angry -- well, to be honest, extremely angry -- that I couldn't just call someone here and say, help -- we need company/distraction/human contact, just to get us through. I was irrationally resentful that people here aren't feeling the pain the way we are. They just can't, though; and I wouldn't want them to. But it sucks to be here, instead of back in MI, for this.
It's also hard because right now we're sort of in the trenches w/Max -- we can't take him anywhere; almost none of our friend's houses are childproof enough for him (although at times I'm not sure even a completely empty, rubberized safe room would be childproof enough for this boy); our house is a pit so I don't want to ask anyone over (plus then we're the hosts, which sort of defeats the purpose of what we needed last night).
Everyone ELSE we know doesn't have toddlers; they have abundant family/close friends who can babysit at the drop of a fucking hat; they seem to be free to do mom's nights/couple time/whatever in a way that I know I won't be for at least another year or so, and I am literally homicidal about it. I think the combination of burnout, grief, fatigue and random health issues is kicking my ass big time (and by extension, Jon's and my kids').
The next minute, although it felt sort of like the next very slow half-hour, it was about two days later; I was in the hospital and vaguely sensed that something was horribly wrong, and that I needed to fix it somehow and there was this sense of urgency, but I couldn't really put a finger on it; I was also confused about where I was and why I was in the hospital. It seemed kind of dark in my room, and people were drifting in and out. I especially remember my friend Sandy sniffling a lot, and I don't know if she was crying or if she had a cold. Perhaps both.
It really wasn't until the night of the 24th, after I had been discharged and was in the MedInn (the sort of in-house hotel at the U of M medical center) that it really hit me.
Every year is hard, although this year is the first time we didn't go up to MI to be at the crash scene at the time of the accident. I had all kinds of medical misadventures early this week, and as a result we're extreeeeeemely far behind on things like cleaning, wrapping, xmas grocery shopping. Plus my mom is going to be here Monday. So we decided, reluctantly, to stay up here for this weekend, and we'll head to MI the first weekend in January.
We realized last night that the trip to MI, the stays with friends and visits to old favorite haunts in A2 and Ypsi, distract us somehow from the actual sadness of the day. However, being here underscores it. Last night we were absolutely floundering -- we desperately needed some company/support/something to get us through, but nobody around here is available for that kind of thing -- they're with their own families, or out w/friends, or just not quite the kind of friends that we can ask for this kind of support from.
Then too, the friends here, although they do care and understand that this is a hard time for us, don't experience it the same way because it is not a loss for them; whereas for Sandy and other friends in MI, they knew and loved Hannah too; so it helps us all if we can be together.
We ended by just going to the mall, getting dinner, letting the kids play, and I got a (rather nice) new haircut. I think in the future, we will still try to get up to MI for the actual date, but in the event that we can't, we will line up some kind of time with friends to see us through the worst of it.
What helped us through the initial loss back in 2003 was the sheer amount of human companionship -- every morning, and every evening, various friends from the neighborhood, church, Hannah's school, whatever; someone always came and sat with us or brought dinner or just kept us company; chatting, even laughing about stuff. Being alone with just the kids and the grief last night was too hard.
I felt a little angry -- well, to be honest, extremely angry -- that I couldn't just call someone here and say, help -- we need company/distraction/human contact, just to get us through. I was irrationally resentful that people here aren't feeling the pain the way we are. They just can't, though; and I wouldn't want them to. But it sucks to be here, instead of back in MI, for this.
It's also hard because right now we're sort of in the trenches w/Max -- we can't take him anywhere; almost none of our friend's houses are childproof enough for him (although at times I'm not sure even a completely empty, rubberized safe room would be childproof enough for this boy); our house is a pit so I don't want to ask anyone over (plus then we're the hosts, which sort of defeats the purpose of what we needed last night).
Everyone ELSE we know doesn't have toddlers; they have abundant family/close friends who can babysit at the drop of a fucking hat; they seem to be free to do mom's nights/couple time/whatever in a way that I know I won't be for at least another year or so, and I am literally homicidal about it. I think the combination of burnout, grief, fatigue and random health issues is kicking my ass big time (and by extension, Jon's and my kids').
12.15.2008
Dee-dee-dee...cember
Well, I suppose monthly is better than quarterly or annually to keep this thing up to date.
Anyway, as you all know, things did take a turn for the marvelous last month, and our country, for a change, did the RIGHT thing and voted Obama into office. What an amazing day that was. I remember being so happy the next morning; kind of like walking around in a daze, with a big grin on my face, and being surprised not to see rainbow-colored unicorns grazing outside, flowers everywhere, balloons and cotton candy and angels singing. It just seemed that miraculous.
Although I wouldn't want that job for all the money in the world. Talk about having a mess to clean up!
Anyway, nothing terribly exciting is going on here. The main thing is I have been officially diagnosed w/Type 2 diabetes, which sucks in all kinds of ways. However, for the time being I'm doing well with diet/exercise, and I'm hoping I can manage it that way for the foreseeable future. And what the hell -- in a way it almost makes it easier KNOWING I don't have a choice; that I have to do this whether I like it or not.
The group I'm in has VASTLY improved due to changes in the membership. It's such a huge difference; I am constantly surprised by just how different it is. It certainly speaks to how bad it was before, but at least it's no longer a problem. So that's been a great thing.
Jon is still slogging away on the two publications he needs for tenure. He has one written and is almost ready to submit it; the other one is in the works and hopefully should be out this spring or summer. Then he can apply for tenure. We're a little concerned/annoyed because the colleague nearest to him in seniority was granted tenure recently, but we're fairly certain she didn't meet the publication requirements (as specified in their CONTRACTS). However, it seems that the dean of the STEM college approached the chair of the bio dept. and expressed concern that Jon hasn't published yet. Of course, with the crushing teaching load he had, it's amazing that he's finally able to do so now. So he's a little frustrated because he feels he's being held to a different standard. From time to time, though, we stop and consider the current economic/employment clusterfuck that everyone else is dealing with, especially around here, and we conclude that things could be so much worse. Then we move on.
And we're coming up on the 5th anniversary of Hannah's death. That's pretty hard. Especially because she was 5yo 9mo when she died, so next summer she will have been gone as long as she was here. That is upsetting because it seems to put her significantly farther away than she was already.
Well, off to put people to bed. More later, maybe.
Anyway, as you all know, things did take a turn for the marvelous last month, and our country, for a change, did the RIGHT thing and voted Obama into office. What an amazing day that was. I remember being so happy the next morning; kind of like walking around in a daze, with a big grin on my face, and being surprised not to see rainbow-colored unicorns grazing outside, flowers everywhere, balloons and cotton candy and angels singing. It just seemed that miraculous.
Although I wouldn't want that job for all the money in the world. Talk about having a mess to clean up!
Anyway, nothing terribly exciting is going on here. The main thing is I have been officially diagnosed w/Type 2 diabetes, which sucks in all kinds of ways. However, for the time being I'm doing well with diet/exercise, and I'm hoping I can manage it that way for the foreseeable future. And what the hell -- in a way it almost makes it easier KNOWING I don't have a choice; that I have to do this whether I like it or not.
The group I'm in has VASTLY improved due to changes in the membership. It's such a huge difference; I am constantly surprised by just how different it is. It certainly speaks to how bad it was before, but at least it's no longer a problem. So that's been a great thing.
Jon is still slogging away on the two publications he needs for tenure. He has one written and is almost ready to submit it; the other one is in the works and hopefully should be out this spring or summer. Then he can apply for tenure. We're a little concerned/annoyed because the colleague nearest to him in seniority was granted tenure recently, but we're fairly certain she didn't meet the publication requirements (as specified in their CONTRACTS). However, it seems that the dean of the STEM college approached the chair of the bio dept. and expressed concern that Jon hasn't published yet. Of course, with the crushing teaching load he had, it's amazing that he's finally able to do so now. So he's a little frustrated because he feels he's being held to a different standard. From time to time, though, we stop and consider the current economic/employment clusterfuck that everyone else is dealing with, especially around here, and we conclude that things could be so much worse. Then we move on.
And we're coming up on the 5th anniversary of Hannah's death. That's pretty hard. Especially because she was 5yo 9mo when she died, so next summer she will have been gone as long as she was here. That is upsetting because it seems to put her significantly farther away than she was already.
Well, off to put people to bed. More later, maybe.
10.30.2008
NO! Vember???
Time flies!
Well, five more days until our nation either takes a turn for the better, or continues on the road to hell. I actually have some hope that Obama can pull this off. Despite the idiocy all around me (and everywhere else), it seems like people are FINALLY mobilized to make a change. Here's hoping.
Things are going reasonably well. Emily is kicking butt and taking names in first grade -- after a bit of a rough start behavior-wise and some struggles with math, she seems to have hit her stride and is doing great. I like her teachers so much better this year, too.
Max is driving me nuts -- today he napped for all of FIFTEEN MINUTES. Also he is fighting sleep as hard as he can. He's starting to be a LOT more verbal, not necessarily so you could understand him, but he's very definitely working at repeating words, and making himself understood. I think that might be part of the problem, with the sleep and all. I am just not fond of this age, overall, but I'm enjoying it more than usual, probably because he is definitely and for sure the last one, and because when Emily was this age I was still in such a fog and our lives were in such transition that I didn't really take it in. For some reason I remember more about Hannah at this stage.
I spent the afternoon painting large jagged rectangles of Biltmore Buff all over the dining room and living room walls. I think we have a winner, color-wise.
Fascinating, isn't it?
Well, five more days until our nation either takes a turn for the better, or continues on the road to hell. I actually have some hope that Obama can pull this off. Despite the idiocy all around me (and everywhere else), it seems like people are FINALLY mobilized to make a change. Here's hoping.
Things are going reasonably well. Emily is kicking butt and taking names in first grade -- after a bit of a rough start behavior-wise and some struggles with math, she seems to have hit her stride and is doing great. I like her teachers so much better this year, too.
Max is driving me nuts -- today he napped for all of FIFTEEN MINUTES. Also he is fighting sleep as hard as he can. He's starting to be a LOT more verbal, not necessarily so you could understand him, but he's very definitely working at repeating words, and making himself understood. I think that might be part of the problem, with the sleep and all. I am just not fond of this age, overall, but I'm enjoying it more than usual, probably because he is definitely and for sure the last one, and because when Emily was this age I was still in such a fog and our lives were in such transition that I didn't really take it in. For some reason I remember more about Hannah at this stage.
I spent the afternoon painting large jagged rectangles of Biltmore Buff all over the dining room and living room walls. I think we have a winner, color-wise.
Fascinating, isn't it?
9.11.2008
...
I didn't put a title on this entry because for some reason, when I type text into the "Title:" field, it replaces the characters with Hindi characters. I can't figure out how to fix it, so there you go.
It's hard to believe it's been 7 years since 9/11. It is also odd that as far as I recall, every 9/11 since then has been a beautiful, mild, clear sunny day just like the original one was.
That day is so bound up with memories of Hannah -- scrambling to change the channel once I saw the 2nd plane hit so that she wouldn't ask questions (Sesame Street had been abruptly pre-empted off CBC right after the first plane struck), listening to NPR with one ear and Hannah with the other, Jon coming home at noon and spending a very quiet somber day, playing outside, making a big batch of spaghetti sauce, and checking in with family members. The only person we knew who might have been directly affected was my brother-in-law Andy, who at the time worked at an office in Greenwich Village and rode a train which went through the WTC subway station en route. Luckily he was fine, although it took him a while to get home that day.
The accident was like our family's own personal 9/11, but I don't say that to people normally because I can see how it would come across as rather disrespectful, or as trivializing what the 9/11 victims went through.
It's hard to believe it's been 7 years since 9/11. It is also odd that as far as I recall, every 9/11 since then has been a beautiful, mild, clear sunny day just like the original one was.
That day is so bound up with memories of Hannah -- scrambling to change the channel once I saw the 2nd plane hit so that she wouldn't ask questions (Sesame Street had been abruptly pre-empted off CBC right after the first plane struck), listening to NPR with one ear and Hannah with the other, Jon coming home at noon and spending a very quiet somber day, playing outside, making a big batch of spaghetti sauce, and checking in with family members. The only person we knew who might have been directly affected was my brother-in-law Andy, who at the time worked at an office in Greenwich Village and rode a train which went through the WTC subway station en route. Luckily he was fine, although it took him a while to get home that day.
The accident was like our family's own personal 9/11, but I don't say that to people normally because I can see how it would come across as rather disrespectful, or as trivializing what the 9/11 victims went through.
9.08.2008
Six
I can't believe the last time I posted was at the end of the school year, and now here we are in a new one. First grade.
I've never had a first-grader. Or a six-year-old, for that matter. I've never had two children at once who were over the ages of 18mo and 5yo. We're already getting into new territory, after what seems like five years of running in place, and it's nice, but I had not realized how comfortable (albeit burned out) I had gotten with the 5-and-under phases.
Now we're in a place where Emily is reading and has homework; where she has become more independent (at the fair this year she said she wanted to go on the Ferris wheel with "a friend" instead of me, which was astonishing); where Max is walking and babbling (not in English, yet) and he and Emily are starting to have their own relationship, which includes squabbles over sharing things, and his having a fit if she has something and he doesn't, etc. Just a few short months ago this wasn't happening.
I thought years ago that it would be weird and traumatic to have Emily grow past the stage where Hannah was, but on the whole it hasn't been. I suppose partly because it's a gradual process, and the daily routines and stresses keep me pretty focused on the present. It may hit harder when milestones are reached (like when she lost the first baby teeth), such as learning to ride a two-wheeler, getting crushes on boys (or girls, I guess you never know), going through puberty, high school, etc.
Max is a lot of fun. He is still very much attached (including at night, and no, we haven't weaned or done the Ferber thing, and I don't want to even bother discussing it), but he loves to run around and loves the outdoors and is OBSESSED with vehicles of all types, and loves to eat dirt/mulch/rocks/sand/grass.
Despite evidence to the contrary when Hannah started preschool, I still harbored the notion that you can shape behavior and that boys are not necessarily hard-wired for that kind of thing. Well, another parenting myth bites the dust. He is a BOY. Hannah and Emily played with cars, but cars were just another toy. Hannah and Emily tried eating the occasional piece of dirt or mulch, but after one taste would spit it out and move on to something more logical. Hannah and Emily liked to climb and get into things, but they could be distracted and if it didn't work, they'd give up and move on after a while. Max is completely NOT that way.
Anyway, one thing about him that is also different from the girls is that, while he is still a mommy's boy and likes to be attached, he is also capable of wandering off and finding stuff to do (usually something he shouldn't) on his own, where the girls always wanted me directly involved with and interacting in whatever chosen activity they found. It is nice, although I have learned that if he's quiet enough, disaster is soon to follow, so I still have to be on my toes.
Jon didn't get anything published this summer, but from what I understand he is on the verge of having something to submit, and seems confident about the whole tenure thing. I am not confident, but then again I think I still have a touch of PTSD from that whole job loss/accident phase we went through. I am just leaving it up to him. The one thing I am doing is getting some things done around the house. Either he won't get tenure, in which case we'll have to sell the house and so we definitely need to update stuff like landscaping, kitchen, etc. in the most minimal way, or he will get tenure, which means we'll stay here until we retire/die, and so we should plan to fix the house up the way we want it.
I am just treading water, keeping up with the kids, starting to get motivated to accomplish some home improvements, and sort of going with the flow. I seem to have lost my creative mojo for things like art and knitting, although I invented a completely new version of zucchini bread the other day which rawks (lots of lime zest, cardamom and almonds, and no nasty raisins or walnuts -- very Asian and spring-like).
We had a great vacation in August; rented a house up on the shore of Lake Michigan just south of Charlevoix for the second year in a row. I love that place so much. It was kind of stressful at first because Max had come down with hand-foot-mouth disease at the beginning of the trip, but it was still worth it. I'll post some pictures when I get around to it.
Nothing much new going on around here. Have improved on the acquaintance/friendship with Jaci and family; Gretchen and I are reconnecting after a bit of a spell (I think having Max kind of threw things off); the boards/playgroups are pretty much as they were, but I just nod and smile where needed and ignore the rest.
Then there's the election, but there are several million other blogs out there that have far more intelligent, informed and relevant things to say. All I have to say is, GET OUT AND VOTE! AND VOTE FOR OBAMA OR I'LL HAVE TO KILL YOU SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY.
I'll try to check in more often. I'm about to fall asleep here, so that's enough for now.
I've never had a first-grader. Or a six-year-old, for that matter. I've never had two children at once who were over the ages of 18mo and 5yo. We're already getting into new territory, after what seems like five years of running in place, and it's nice, but I had not realized how comfortable (albeit burned out) I had gotten with the 5-and-under phases.
Now we're in a place where Emily is reading and has homework; where she has become more independent (at the fair this year she said she wanted to go on the Ferris wheel with "a friend" instead of me, which was astonishing); where Max is walking and babbling (not in English, yet) and he and Emily are starting to have their own relationship, which includes squabbles over sharing things, and his having a fit if she has something and he doesn't, etc. Just a few short months ago this wasn't happening.
I thought years ago that it would be weird and traumatic to have Emily grow past the stage where Hannah was, but on the whole it hasn't been. I suppose partly because it's a gradual process, and the daily routines and stresses keep me pretty focused on the present. It may hit harder when milestones are reached (like when she lost the first baby teeth), such as learning to ride a two-wheeler, getting crushes on boys (or girls, I guess you never know), going through puberty, high school, etc.
Max is a lot of fun. He is still very much attached (including at night, and no, we haven't weaned or done the Ferber thing, and I don't want to even bother discussing it), but he loves to run around and loves the outdoors and is OBSESSED with vehicles of all types, and loves to eat dirt/mulch/rocks/sand/grass.
Despite evidence to the contrary when Hannah started preschool, I still harbored the notion that you can shape behavior and that boys are not necessarily hard-wired for that kind of thing. Well, another parenting myth bites the dust. He is a BOY. Hannah and Emily played with cars, but cars were just another toy. Hannah and Emily tried eating the occasional piece of dirt or mulch, but after one taste would spit it out and move on to something more logical. Hannah and Emily liked to climb and get into things, but they could be distracted and if it didn't work, they'd give up and move on after a while. Max is completely NOT that way.
Anyway, one thing about him that is also different from the girls is that, while he is still a mommy's boy and likes to be attached, he is also capable of wandering off and finding stuff to do (usually something he shouldn't) on his own, where the girls always wanted me directly involved with and interacting in whatever chosen activity they found. It is nice, although I have learned that if he's quiet enough, disaster is soon to follow, so I still have to be on my toes.
Jon didn't get anything published this summer, but from what I understand he is on the verge of having something to submit, and seems confident about the whole tenure thing. I am not confident, but then again I think I still have a touch of PTSD from that whole job loss/accident phase we went through. I am just leaving it up to him. The one thing I am doing is getting some things done around the house. Either he won't get tenure, in which case we'll have to sell the house and so we definitely need to update stuff like landscaping, kitchen, etc. in the most minimal way, or he will get tenure, which means we'll stay here until we retire/die, and so we should plan to fix the house up the way we want it.
I am just treading water, keeping up with the kids, starting to get motivated to accomplish some home improvements, and sort of going with the flow. I seem to have lost my creative mojo for things like art and knitting, although I invented a completely new version of zucchini bread the other day which rawks (lots of lime zest, cardamom and almonds, and no nasty raisins or walnuts -- very Asian and spring-like).
We had a great vacation in August; rented a house up on the shore of Lake Michigan just south of Charlevoix for the second year in a row. I love that place so much. It was kind of stressful at first because Max had come down with hand-foot-mouth disease at the beginning of the trip, but it was still worth it. I'll post some pictures when I get around to it.
Nothing much new going on around here. Have improved on the acquaintance/friendship with Jaci and family; Gretchen and I are reconnecting after a bit of a spell (I think having Max kind of threw things off); the boards/playgroups are pretty much as they were, but I just nod and smile where needed and ignore the rest.
Then there's the election, but there are several million other blogs out there that have far more intelligent, informed and relevant things to say. All I have to say is, GET OUT AND VOTE! AND VOTE FOR OBAMA OR I'LL HAVE TO KILL YOU SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY.
I'll try to check in more often. I'm about to fall asleep here, so that's enough for now.
5.24.2008
More stuff
So, things are mostly the same. Emily hasn't lost any more teeth, but there are only 8 more days left of kindergarten.
I have to say, I'm going to be glad too -- packing lunches has nearly been the death of me. The school only allows dairy or parve lunches to be packed, so that limits us a bit (she likes turkey, but of course I can't pack meat in her lunch). As soon as she seems to like something and it becomes a no-brainer and I make it a regular item, she suddenly "doesn't like it" or it "smells bad" or something completely bogus, and I have to rethink it. At this point the only thing she seems to eat consistently is macaroni and cheese (in the thermos).
But I think she had a great year overall. She learned a great deal, and she seems so much older than she did at the beginning of the year. She took to learning Hebrew so quickly, and it's impressive to see how much she knows. She still isn't completely reading independently, but she is right on the very edge of doing so -- I'd bet within a week or so she'll be doing it.
I was on the fence about sending her back there, for a few reasons. My biggest beef is that a lot of the kids there are not just well-to-do, but extremely spoiled and with a real sense of entitlement. Now, Emily is talking all the time about being rich and making lots of money and how becoming rich is all she wants. I'm trying not to be a blowhard about this, but I've been taking the position that being rich wouldn't really make a difference -- we already have everything we could possibly need, everything we want, etc. so if we were rich the only thing we'd have is more of the same stuff, which doesn't make sense since we already have everything.
Also I felt a bit like while Mrs. McNally is a good teacher, she is definitely not an ideal fit with Emily's personality. Talking to some of the other parents, it sounds like a number of them have had similar concerns about her; they feel that her expectations were a little unrealistic.
Gretchen did warn me before we started that while Mrs. M. really is good with the kids, I might find her kind of difficult to read and interact with. That seems to be a pretty common experience. I remember at our first conference, the very first thing she said to us was, "Does Emily have rules at home that she has to follow?" I took that to mean that she felt Emily had absolutely no ability whatsoever to comprehend and follow classroom structure, and was definitely taken aback.
Emily has had problems with being "silly" and cutting up in class, talking out of turn a lot, and being just generally a little rambunctious. However, there were some social issues -- Emily's best friend in the class, until recently, was Julia who is also one of the youngest kids in the class (I think there's one younger than Emily and Julia), and who is also a very lively, active, assertive kid. So they were friends and they also clashed a lot, and they seemed to have a great deal of difficulty settling down in class. Emily's best days behavior-wise were when Julia was away for 2 weeks after winter break.
The other reason I was contemplating a change was partly related to that -- the small class/school size is a good thing, on the whole, but the downside is that the social dynamics are a little intense and concentrated. There are 6 girls in the class so if you have a falling out with one friend, your options are pretty limited. So every day at pickup it's like tuning in to a soap opera -- one day Taylor and Julia were friendly and the next day Julia wasn't Taylor's friend but she was Emily's and the day after that someone else had a club and Taylor wanted Emily to be in it but not Julia and the day after that Julia said she was Taylor's friend and not Emily's. It made me want to stab my eyeballs out with a fork. Anyway, although Emily didn't seem actually UNhappy about this, she did seem a bit overly concerned and obsessed with all of that, and I dreaded the thought of the next five years' worth of this. I thought perhaps at the public school, while the social dynamics are the same, there is at least a wider group to pick from, and so it might be a little more diffused.
Obviously, I have completely forgotten everything about elementary school!
It is yet another reason I'm glad Max is a boy -- I don't doubt that boys can give each other a hard time, but I don't really think it involves quite as much nit-picky minutiae about who has what and who wore what and when and so forth -- they beat the crap out of each other and then they're over it and they don't have to talk about it for two hours after school every day. At least that's my understanding.
Class is over so Jon is a teeny tad less stressed, but he is still intent on getting a couple of papers out this summer (to fulfill the tenure requirement) so he will still be putting in a lot of time. It will be worth it, ASSuming he gets tenure, but I will be glad when that's not hanging over us.
Aaannd then there's Max, still nursing about a hundred times a day, still co-sleeping (he starts the night in his crib, but is generally back in with us by about 2 a.m. if not before, and he is not the most considerate bed-mate.
We are going to get our act together and start the Ferber thing fairly soon, but I'm dreading it.
Anyway. I realize this sets a new standard of coma-inducing twaddle, but hey, you clicked the link.
I have to say, I'm going to be glad too -- packing lunches has nearly been the death of me. The school only allows dairy or parve lunches to be packed, so that limits us a bit (she likes turkey, but of course I can't pack meat in her lunch). As soon as she seems to like something and it becomes a no-brainer and I make it a regular item, she suddenly "doesn't like it" or it "smells bad" or something completely bogus, and I have to rethink it. At this point the only thing she seems to eat consistently is macaroni and cheese (in the thermos).
But I think she had a great year overall. She learned a great deal, and she seems so much older than she did at the beginning of the year. She took to learning Hebrew so quickly, and it's impressive to see how much she knows. She still isn't completely reading independently, but she is right on the very edge of doing so -- I'd bet within a week or so she'll be doing it.
I was on the fence about sending her back there, for a few reasons. My biggest beef is that a lot of the kids there are not just well-to-do, but extremely spoiled and with a real sense of entitlement. Now, Emily is talking all the time about being rich and making lots of money and how becoming rich is all she wants. I'm trying not to be a blowhard about this, but I've been taking the position that being rich wouldn't really make a difference -- we already have everything we could possibly need, everything we want, etc. so if we were rich the only thing we'd have is more of the same stuff, which doesn't make sense since we already have everything.
Also I felt a bit like while Mrs. McNally is a good teacher, she is definitely not an ideal fit with Emily's personality. Talking to some of the other parents, it sounds like a number of them have had similar concerns about her; they feel that her expectations were a little unrealistic.
Gretchen did warn me before we started that while Mrs. M. really is good with the kids, I might find her kind of difficult to read and interact with. That seems to be a pretty common experience. I remember at our first conference, the very first thing she said to us was, "Does Emily have rules at home that she has to follow?" I took that to mean that she felt Emily had absolutely no ability whatsoever to comprehend and follow classroom structure, and was definitely taken aback.
Emily has had problems with being "silly" and cutting up in class, talking out of turn a lot, and being just generally a little rambunctious. However, there were some social issues -- Emily's best friend in the class, until recently, was Julia who is also one of the youngest kids in the class (I think there's one younger than Emily and Julia), and who is also a very lively, active, assertive kid. So they were friends and they also clashed a lot, and they seemed to have a great deal of difficulty settling down in class. Emily's best days behavior-wise were when Julia was away for 2 weeks after winter break.
The other reason I was contemplating a change was partly related to that -- the small class/school size is a good thing, on the whole, but the downside is that the social dynamics are a little intense and concentrated. There are 6 girls in the class so if you have a falling out with one friend, your options are pretty limited. So every day at pickup it's like tuning in to a soap opera -- one day Taylor and Julia were friendly and the next day Julia wasn't Taylor's friend but she was Emily's and the day after that someone else had a club and Taylor wanted Emily to be in it but not Julia and the day after that Julia said she was Taylor's friend and not Emily's. It made me want to stab my eyeballs out with a fork. Anyway, although Emily didn't seem actually UNhappy about this, she did seem a bit overly concerned and obsessed with all of that, and I dreaded the thought of the next five years' worth of this. I thought perhaps at the public school, while the social dynamics are the same, there is at least a wider group to pick from, and so it might be a little more diffused.
Obviously, I have completely forgotten everything about elementary school!
It is yet another reason I'm glad Max is a boy -- I don't doubt that boys can give each other a hard time, but I don't really think it involves quite as much nit-picky minutiae about who has what and who wore what and when and so forth -- they beat the crap out of each other and then they're over it and they don't have to talk about it for two hours after school every day. At least that's my understanding.
Class is over so Jon is a teeny tad less stressed, but he is still intent on getting a couple of papers out this summer (to fulfill the tenure requirement) so he will still be putting in a lot of time. It will be worth it, ASSuming he gets tenure, but I will be glad when that's not hanging over us.
Aaannd then there's Max, still nursing about a hundred times a day, still co-sleeping (he starts the night in his crib, but is generally back in with us by about 2 a.m. if not before, and he is not the most considerate bed-mate.
We are going to get our act together and start the Ferber thing fairly soon, but I'm dreading it.
Anyway. I realize this sets a new standard of coma-inducing twaddle, but hey, you clicked the link.
4.28.2008
Whoomp -- there it is!
Well, the first tooth has been lost. We were at Erica's for a late playdate, and when we got there Emily had just been complaining in the car that her loose tooth hurt when she "bent it".
"So don't bend it" I say as I struggle to get Max out of the car seat and through the rain and past the puddles.
So we go in, she shows off the row of shark teeth and gets absorbed in playing with some of the kids. An hour or so later, out of nowhere, "MY TOOTH!" I guess she was wiggling it with her tongue and out it came.
Everyone oohed and aahed and made a huge fuss -- it was so cool. Erica provided a baggie, and in an hour or two (ASSuming she goes to sleep, which she has yet to do despite being in bed for the last hour) I'll go up and leave her a giant balloon, a Webkin, and a heart necklace. What can I say -- it's a big, and extremely bittersweet, milestone.
I don't know why it feels so sad. I suppose partly because Hannah didn't get to experience this, but I can just imagine how excited and proud she would have been if she had been able to. And the sense of loss is even stronger because this is such a sweet age and it goes so fast. The blend of little-girl princess imaginary things with becoming bigger and independent and asking big and difficult questions. It's hard to let it pass without a sense of dread -- I just want to keep her safe and happy and in that stage where anything seems possible in her mind. I suppose it's a way of holding onto Hannah, because that's exactly where and how she was when she left us.
I miss her so much.
"So don't bend it" I say as I struggle to get Max out of the car seat and through the rain and past the puddles.
So we go in, she shows off the row of shark teeth and gets absorbed in playing with some of the kids. An hour or so later, out of nowhere, "MY TOOTH!" I guess she was wiggling it with her tongue and out it came.
Everyone oohed and aahed and made a huge fuss -- it was so cool. Erica provided a baggie, and in an hour or two (ASSuming she goes to sleep, which she has yet to do despite being in bed for the last hour) I'll go up and leave her a giant balloon, a Webkin, and a heart necklace. What can I say -- it's a big, and extremely bittersweet, milestone.
I don't know why it feels so sad. I suppose partly because Hannah didn't get to experience this, but I can just imagine how excited and proud she would have been if she had been able to. And the sense of loss is even stronger because this is such a sweet age and it goes so fast. The blend of little-girl princess imaginary things with becoming bigger and independent and asking big and difficult questions. It's hard to let it pass without a sense of dread -- I just want to keep her safe and happy and in that stage where anything seems possible in her mind. I suppose it's a way of holding onto Hannah, because that's exactly where and how she was when she left us.
I miss her so much.
4.26.2008
A Big Surprise (or 2)
Yesterday Emily was complaining that "something in her mouth hurt when she licked it". It goes without saying that we were on the freeway at the time, so naturally I couldn't look right then. I ASSumed it was a chapped lip or cold sore or something and didn't think more of it right then.
So later we get home, I look in her mouth, and WHOA! Two rather large bottom incisors are poking in right behind the baby ones, which are not loose.
It also goes without saying that this happens about 15 minutes after her dentist's office closes for the weekend. Jon and I start panicking (quietly) about orthodontia.
Afterwards it occurred to me that this is the first brand-new, uncharted parenting issue we've dealt with in years. Hannah never got to this point -- she never even had a loose tooth in her life. Seeing those adult-size teeth poking through was startling, and another reminder that Emily is growing beyond where Hannah ever was.
I remember when her first teeth popped IN -- freakishly early, at 3mo. I noticed them the same day she rolled over for the first time. Hannah thought it was the coolest thing, too.
In other news, Max is walking. Typically, he is making very gradual progress -- he is steadily increasing distance, is working on turning, and last night walked and drank out of a sippy cup at the same time. He is looking a bit more little-boyish, but definitely still has a lot of babyhood to get through.
So later we get home, I look in her mouth, and WHOA! Two rather large bottom incisors are poking in right behind the baby ones, which are not loose.
It also goes without saying that this happens about 15 minutes after her dentist's office closes for the weekend. Jon and I start panicking (quietly) about orthodontia.
Afterwards it occurred to me that this is the first brand-new, uncharted parenting issue we've dealt with in years. Hannah never got to this point -- she never even had a loose tooth in her life. Seeing those adult-size teeth poking through was startling, and another reminder that Emily is growing beyond where Hannah ever was.
I remember when her first teeth popped IN -- freakishly early, at 3mo. I noticed them the same day she rolled over for the first time. Hannah thought it was the coolest thing, too.
In other news, Max is walking. Typically, he is making very gradual progress -- he is steadily increasing distance, is working on turning, and last night walked and drank out of a sippy cup at the same time. He is looking a bit more little-boyish, but definitely still has a lot of babyhood to get through.
4.17.2008
10 years ago today
Hannah was born, and we became parents.
It was an incredibly difficult labor -- we were trying to do a completely "natural" Bradley birth, despite being induced, so there I was with no epidural or pain meds, Pitocin contractions that felt like I was being ground up inside, and total fear and panic -- I think it took a long time to dilate because I was so freaked out I was subconsciously trying to shut down the whole process. I had nightmares about it for a little while afterwards.
I'd willingly go through every second of it again and again, if we could have Hannah back. Even if we couldn't, I wouldn't change it -- it was worth everything ten times over just to have had her in our lives.
I don't know why this birthday is so much harder. Maybe it's a "milestone" birthday of sorts -- 10 years old. And seeing the kids her age at Emily's school makes me realize how very different she would be. Emily is right at the age where Hannah was, and reminds me so much of her, but even now I can see her starting to grow beyond that -- next year will be very different. I also just realized Max is the exact age now that Emily was when we went on our last trip with Hannah -- the Labor Day weekend in Chicago.
I wanted to go up to Michigan today but was so torn, because Jon couldn't get away and the thought of leaving him alone tonight is hard. I want to be where Hannah last was, but I also want to be with Jon.
I'll ask friends to go by the rock, leave a few flowers, and perhaps release a balloon or two. Hopefully I can get up there next week sometime.
It's going to be a long day.
It was an incredibly difficult labor -- we were trying to do a completely "natural" Bradley birth, despite being induced, so there I was with no epidural or pain meds, Pitocin contractions that felt like I was being ground up inside, and total fear and panic -- I think it took a long time to dilate because I was so freaked out I was subconsciously trying to shut down the whole process. I had nightmares about it for a little while afterwards.
I'd willingly go through every second of it again and again, if we could have Hannah back. Even if we couldn't, I wouldn't change it -- it was worth everything ten times over just to have had her in our lives.
I don't know why this birthday is so much harder. Maybe it's a "milestone" birthday of sorts -- 10 years old. And seeing the kids her age at Emily's school makes me realize how very different she would be. Emily is right at the age where Hannah was, and reminds me so much of her, but even now I can see her starting to grow beyond that -- next year will be very different. I also just realized Max is the exact age now that Emily was when we went on our last trip with Hannah -- the Labor Day weekend in Chicago.
I wanted to go up to Michigan today but was so torn, because Jon couldn't get away and the thought of leaving him alone tonight is hard. I want to be where Hannah last was, but I also want to be with Jon.
I'll ask friends to go by the rock, leave a few flowers, and perhaps release a balloon or two. Hopefully I can get up there next week sometime.
It's going to be a long day.
4.09.2008
Well, damn
Max rewarded my optimism with being completely fussy, clingy, whiny and bratty today, right around the time I finished posting the last entry. Bleah.
I also feel under the weather (stomach issues) so maybe he's feeling a bit punk too.
Anyway, though -- with regards to winter, I submit the following by Winston Churchill: "It is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning."
So, we'll see.
I have the Essure procedure scheduled for mid-May, and 3 months after that I should be completely done with ever worrying about getting pregnant. I'm still kicking myself for not just getting a tubal as long as they were in there getting Max out, but I read one or two accounts of bad-ish side effects from tubals (heavier periods, etc.) and for some reason I panicked.
In hindsight, I suspect I also wasn't ready to take a permanent step until I knew everything would be fine with Max -- at the time I didn't think of that consciously, but I remember after Hannah died and feeling so stymied and frustrated by the fact that we had already been DONE with kids and Jon had finally gotten the snip, and then there we were facing all those decisions again.
Oh, well.
Even if, God/Allah/whoever forbid, something happens to one of the children, there is just no way in hell I can ever, ever be pregnant or have a baby again. I am just too damn old, my health is already compromised enough, and I'm just OVER the baby thing, completely. I love Max and he is cute and I will sort of miss his babyhood once it's really gone, but I sure won't wish it back. I am ready to move on. I feel like we have been running in place for a decade; like we've flunked kindergarten a few times... for 10 years we have had only children age 5 and under.
Well, enough blathering.
I also feel under the weather (stomach issues) so maybe he's feeling a bit punk too.
Anyway, though -- with regards to winter, I submit the following by Winston Churchill: "It is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning."
So, we'll see.
I have the Essure procedure scheduled for mid-May, and 3 months after that I should be completely done with ever worrying about getting pregnant. I'm still kicking myself for not just getting a tubal as long as they were in there getting Max out, but I read one or two accounts of bad-ish side effects from tubals (heavier periods, etc.) and for some reason I panicked.
In hindsight, I suspect I also wasn't ready to take a permanent step until I knew everything would be fine with Max -- at the time I didn't think of that consciously, but I remember after Hannah died and feeling so stymied and frustrated by the fact that we had already been DONE with kids and Jon had finally gotten the snip, and then there we were facing all those decisions again.
Oh, well.
Even if, God/Allah/whoever forbid, something happens to one of the children, there is just no way in hell I can ever, ever be pregnant or have a baby again. I am just too damn old, my health is already compromised enough, and I'm just OVER the baby thing, completely. I love Max and he is cute and I will sort of miss his babyhood once it's really gone, but I sure won't wish it back. I am ready to move on. I feel like we have been running in place for a decade; like we've flunked kindergarten a few times... for 10 years we have had only children age 5 and under.
Well, enough blathering.
Why, yes it could!
It IS finally spring. 60's all week so far (tho rainy today); lots of outside play, reconnecting with neighbors (nothing's perfect, alas, though the racist idjit neighbors should be putting their house on the market this month, or so I was told), opening windows and getting fresh air in the house and car, etc. etc.
Yesterday the kids and I met up with a new friend (Jaci) at the JCC playground after school. We actually met through the grandmother of the other kids, who had played with Emily on two different occasions at the mall. So I invited Jan (and Jaci) to come to book club. Jan came and it was spectacular -- she fits right in and we all enjoyed having her there. Jaci and I hit it off pretty well too. She is very down-to-earth, has a sense of humor, and I like her very much. She's also a photographer so she brought along her gorgeous new camera (my camera is the digital equivalent of an Instamatic, by comparison) and took tons of shots of the big kids (Boston, Ridley, and Emily) and of Max too.
Emily and Boston bonded instantly at the mall. It's funny because before we talked to Jan, I was noticing what a nice, NORMAL-looking kid he was -- no camouflage, no mullet, no bad manners. Ridley and Emily get along well too, but Boston is clearly the one who befriended E.
I think the end is finally in sight for YSU's term. Jon is still completely fried, but doesn't seem as dispirited as before. No doubt the weather finally becoming civilized makes a difference, plus it's not so damn DARK all the time.
Max loves crawling around in dirt/mulch/grass/mud. The girls kind of liked it, but he ADORES it. He has been happier and less fussy, at least partly as a result of all the fresh air, although last night he woke up several times, so I'm feeling it today.
I reclaimed my purse (the former recycling bin/compost heap/dumpster with handles) and straightened out/caught up the finances, and that has made a huge difference too. I haven't told Jon yet that I can automatically enter/download/reconcile, unlike before when we used to do it all manually, so he thinks I'm working a lot harder on it than I am. Shhh.
This was definitely a winter of discontent!
Yesterday the kids and I met up with a new friend (Jaci) at the JCC playground after school. We actually met through the grandmother of the other kids, who had played with Emily on two different occasions at the mall. So I invited Jan (and Jaci) to come to book club. Jan came and it was spectacular -- she fits right in and we all enjoyed having her there. Jaci and I hit it off pretty well too. She is very down-to-earth, has a sense of humor, and I like her very much. She's also a photographer so she brought along her gorgeous new camera (my camera is the digital equivalent of an Instamatic, by comparison) and took tons of shots of the big kids (Boston, Ridley, and Emily) and of Max too.
Emily and Boston bonded instantly at the mall. It's funny because before we talked to Jan, I was noticing what a nice, NORMAL-looking kid he was -- no camouflage, no mullet, no bad manners. Ridley and Emily get along well too, but Boston is clearly the one who befriended E.
I think the end is finally in sight for YSU's term. Jon is still completely fried, but doesn't seem as dispirited as before. No doubt the weather finally becoming civilized makes a difference, plus it's not so damn DARK all the time.
Max loves crawling around in dirt/mulch/grass/mud. The girls kind of liked it, but he ADORES it. He has been happier and less fussy, at least partly as a result of all the fresh air, although last night he woke up several times, so I'm feeling it today.
I reclaimed my purse (the former recycling bin/compost heap/dumpster with handles) and straightened out/caught up the finances, and that has made a huge difference too. I haven't told Jon yet that I can automatically enter/download/reconcile, unlike before when we used to do it all manually, so he thinks I'm working a lot harder on it than I am. Shhh.
This was definitely a winter of discontent!
3.26.2008
Could it be?
Today was 50ish and sunny -- and we were actually outside to enjoy it. Emily's school finally let the kids go OUTSIDE for recess (another rant for another day) and then after school we went for a longish walk around the 'hood, with Max in the stroller. It was so nice to just be OUTSIDE. I think this long dreary winter has gotten to us far more than I thought it had.
Max has stood on his own a few times, and taken one or two steps, but as when he started crawling, it doesn't seem like he quite realizes what it is he's doing. I think it's a matter of a week or two at the most, though, before it finally clicks and he starts walking everywhere. That will be good in some ways and horrible in others -- I have a ton of babyproofing to do still, but if he's walking it will be much more fun to go outside and let him toddle around and hopefully tire himself out.
The sleeping (!) is still a joke, but I think I'm finally going to have to give in and Ferberize, probably this summer (once YSU's term is over). I suppose "never say never" applies to parenting as much as it does to anything else. When Hannah was a baby there was a huge flap over Ezzo (Babywise) vs. Sears (attachment parenting) and in my naive addled new-parental white-hot self-righteousness, Sears/AP was THE only way to parent and anyone who deviated even slightly from that wasn't fit to care for a houseplant, let alone a child.
Luckily, almost 10 years into parenting, I've had enough of the shit kicked out of me and learned from it in the bargain. I still would rather take a more AP approach, but not at the expense of my sanity, marriage, older child and physical well-being.
I'm probably just as naive and rigid in my thinking about parenting teenagers as I once was about parenting infants/toddlers, but at least I know now to keep my mouth shut (most of the time) and just watch and LEARN.
Besides, right now the idea of having two children who would rather die than be seen in public with me and who skulk monosyllabically in their rooms and only come out to eat, shit and go to school sounds rather heavenly, after a day of having one child physically attached to my boob/lap/legs and the other talking at me nonstop from the moment she wakes until she finally drifts off to sleep. I love them with every fiber of my being, but my being is pretty darned worn out by now.
Remind me of this in 5 to 10 years, by the way.
Max has stood on his own a few times, and taken one or two steps, but as when he started crawling, it doesn't seem like he quite realizes what it is he's doing. I think it's a matter of a week or two at the most, though, before it finally clicks and he starts walking everywhere. That will be good in some ways and horrible in others -- I have a ton of babyproofing to do still, but if he's walking it will be much more fun to go outside and let him toddle around and hopefully tire himself out.
The sleeping (!) is still a joke, but I think I'm finally going to have to give in and Ferberize, probably this summer (once YSU's term is over). I suppose "never say never" applies to parenting as much as it does to anything else. When Hannah was a baby there was a huge flap over Ezzo (Babywise) vs. Sears (attachment parenting) and in my naive addled new-parental white-hot self-righteousness, Sears/AP was THE only way to parent and anyone who deviated even slightly from that wasn't fit to care for a houseplant, let alone a child.
Luckily, almost 10 years into parenting, I've had enough of the shit kicked out of me and learned from it in the bargain. I still would rather take a more AP approach, but not at the expense of my sanity, marriage, older child and physical well-being.
I'm probably just as naive and rigid in my thinking about parenting teenagers as I once was about parenting infants/toddlers, but at least I know now to keep my mouth shut (most of the time) and just watch and LEARN.
Besides, right now the idea of having two children who would rather die than be seen in public with me and who skulk monosyllabically in their rooms and only come out to eat, shit and go to school sounds rather heavenly, after a day of having one child physically attached to my boob/lap/legs and the other talking at me nonstop from the moment she wakes until she finally drifts off to sleep. I love them with every fiber of my being, but my being is pretty darned worn out by now.
Remind me of this in 5 to 10 years, by the way.
1.31.2008
fyi
Today is the 4th anniversary of Hannah's memorial service. In a way that date hits me as much as December 20th.
In some ways it's harder, since I don't remember the 20th at all and can't even pinpoint the day or time when I realized she had died -- I was in such a fog from my own injuries. But the memorial service was the day when I could no longer pretend that it hadn't happened; we were there with probably close to 300 other people for the express purpose of acknowledging her death. I put it off as long as I could, but we ultimately had to do it.
And another quirky thing that's bothering me is that on February 10, Emily will have lived longer than Hannah did -- Hannah was 5 yrs, 8mo and 3 days when she died. I obviously want Emily to live a long happy life, but it is another way that it feels we're leaving Hannah behind, and that hurts too.
In some ways it's harder, since I don't remember the 20th at all and can't even pinpoint the day or time when I realized she had died -- I was in such a fog from my own injuries. But the memorial service was the day when I could no longer pretend that it hadn't happened; we were there with probably close to 300 other people for the express purpose of acknowledging her death. I put it off as long as I could, but we ultimately had to do it.
And another quirky thing that's bothering me is that on February 10, Emily will have lived longer than Hannah did -- Hannah was 5 yrs, 8mo and 3 days when she died. I obviously want Emily to live a long happy life, but it is another way that it feels we're leaving Hannah behind, and that hurts too.
1.23.2008
Cautiously peers out...
Nothing much new to report. Max is now one year old, and cute as a button (see pic). Emily is doing well in school -- behaviors have really settled down. I think it was a maturity issue as much as anything. She and Julia still sometimes egg each other on in being silly, but things seem to be a little calmer. My relationship with her is great -- for some reason we seem to be closer than ever, and I am enjoying her company a lot more. Again, maybe a maturity thing, who knows?
Max is still a horrid, horrid "sleeper" (ha!). I was steered towards Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, by Marc Weissbluth, and so far I'm not that enthusiastic -- he pretty much does recommend the cry-it-out thing, only not gradual/incremental like Ferber.
On the other hand, I don't know what other options I have. I do think Max has trouble letting go and falling asleep, he's used to sleeping either in my arms, my bed or the car, and it's just getting impossible -- it's like I've had a newborn for an entire year. I am trying to figure out how to work it so I can get a much earlier bedtime for him, and get him to take REAL naps. In his crib, even. As I said before, I no longer view CIO on a par with human-rights abuses and the SS, but I am very, very uncomfortable with letting my kids cry, at least as infants. I do know, though, that at some point we're going to have a come-to-Jesus about sleep and staying in bed, and it's only a question of when. I am at the point where I want it to change but I am NOT ready to actually DO anything yet, because I'm the world's biggest wuss, and I am also very, very bad about process -- if it doesn't work IMMEDIATELY I will melt down and be all despairing and martyred and pissed off, and nobody likes that either.
Helllllllllllllllp.
Max is still a horrid, horrid "sleeper" (ha!). I was steered towards Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, by Marc Weissbluth, and so far I'm not that enthusiastic -- he pretty much does recommend the cry-it-out thing, only not gradual/incremental like Ferber.
On the other hand, I don't know what other options I have. I do think Max has trouble letting go and falling asleep, he's used to sleeping either in my arms, my bed or the car, and it's just getting impossible -- it's like I've had a newborn for an entire year. I am trying to figure out how to work it so I can get a much earlier bedtime for him, and get him to take REAL naps. In his crib, even. As I said before, I no longer view CIO on a par with human-rights abuses and the SS, but I am very, very uncomfortable with letting my kids cry, at least as infants. I do know, though, that at some point we're going to have a come-to-Jesus about sleep and staying in bed, and it's only a question of when. I am at the point where I want it to change but I am NOT ready to actually DO anything yet, because I'm the world's biggest wuss, and I am also very, very bad about process -- if it doesn't work IMMEDIATELY I will melt down and be all despairing and martyred and pissed off, and nobody likes that either.
Helllllllllllllllp.
1.05.2008
Holy maelstrom, Batman
I am obviously getting too old and insane to be trusted with heavy (laptop-sized) machinery. I was so oblivious to even my own pages that I didn't consider the consequences of having the blog linked.
Anyway, we'll see what happens from here.
Right now I'm whipped -- Max is the world's worst co-sleeper, and it seems I have been juggling him and nursing for 12 hours. He's almost 1yo -- this has to stop.
I don't know HOW, because although I no longer think CIO is right up there with war crimes and animal cruelty, I still don't have the strength/guts/wherewithal to follow through with doing it.
Partly because I suspect it wouldn't quite work yet, too -- he's in the height of separation anxiety.
I know the day will come sooner than I think when he will be a lumbering teenage boy who wants to sleep until noon every day, and it's not that I wish his whole childhood away, but I would give ANYTHING for one night of completely uninterrupted sleep, alone, with room service and unlimited cable.
Anyway, we'll see what happens from here.
Right now I'm whipped -- Max is the world's worst co-sleeper, and it seems I have been juggling him and nursing for 12 hours. He's almost 1yo -- this has to stop.
I don't know HOW, because although I no longer think CIO is right up there with war crimes and animal cruelty, I still don't have the strength/guts/wherewithal to follow through with doing it.
Partly because I suspect it wouldn't quite work yet, too -- he's in the height of separation anxiety.
I know the day will come sooner than I think when he will be a lumbering teenage boy who wants to sleep until noon every day, and it's not that I wish his whole childhood away, but I would give ANYTHING for one night of completely uninterrupted sleep, alone, with room service and unlimited cable.
1.02.2008
Snow day!
Because points north of us got about 1" of snow, they canceled school. Just as well; I think it would have been hard on everyone to go back barely a day after staying up til midnight and eating crap.
Went to Lisa W's house last night and hung out and ate pizza. The girls ran wild all over the house and Max had a blast with the train table, in between attempts to make a break for the stairs (he is obsessed with climbing stairs, which reminds me I have to figure out a way to rig a gate at the bottom of ours).
It's fun when you get to know a family where the dhs are friends and the kids get along, on top of Lisa's and my friendship.
I'm sitting here with Max sleeping on my lap. I really should try to put him down in his crib, but I know he'd wake up right away and I'd get frustrated and I don't want to get all bent out of shape. It really is getting out of hand, though -- I can't do anything whether he's asleep or awake. Gah.
Went to Lisa W's house last night and hung out and ate pizza. The girls ran wild all over the house and Max had a blast with the train table, in between attempts to make a break for the stairs (he is obsessed with climbing stairs, which reminds me I have to figure out a way to rig a gate at the bottom of ours).
It's fun when you get to know a family where the dhs are friends and the kids get along, on top of Lisa's and my friendship.
I'm sitting here with Max sleeping on my lap. I really should try to put him down in his crib, but I know he'd wake up right away and I'd get frustrated and I don't want to get all bent out of shape. It really is getting out of hand, though -- I can't do anything whether he's asleep or awake. Gah.
12.31.2007
buh-bye, 2007
Well, as years go, '07 was a really mixed bag.
We had Max, which was the single best thing, despite occasional sleep-deprived colicky moments to the contrary.
Emily started kindergarten at a great school and is doing beautifully.
We're all still alive and healthy-ish. Financially we are in fine shape.
On the downside, Jon is having to work his ass off just to get the minimal tenure requirements finished (due to transient students who are not always as competent in the lab as they should be); Hannah has been gone 4 years now and it is still very difficult; my dad is on a downward spiral; my sister has been on and off of a downward spiral (am hoping it's now stabilized); the various meetup dramas are increasing in both frequency and absurdity; and our house/yard is going to need major work in the near future.
The thing that's so frustrating about the latest turn-up with the BoredMoms is that a 6-week-old blog entry written in extreme anger, is now going to be taken as etched in stone. As if nobody else has ever lost their shit and reacted to something by spewing venom. Like other dramas, it will have its half-life and then die out slowly, or it would if there wasn't such a pathological need to stir the shit. Stay tuned.
We had Max, which was the single best thing, despite occasional sleep-deprived colicky moments to the contrary.
Emily started kindergarten at a great school and is doing beautifully.
We're all still alive and healthy-ish. Financially we are in fine shape.
On the downside, Jon is having to work his ass off just to get the minimal tenure requirements finished (due to transient students who are not always as competent in the lab as they should be); Hannah has been gone 4 years now and it is still very difficult; my dad is on a downward spiral; my sister has been on and off of a downward spiral (am hoping it's now stabilized); the various meetup dramas are increasing in both frequency and absurdity; and our house/yard is going to need major work in the near future.
The thing that's so frustrating about the latest turn-up with the BoredMoms is that a 6-week-old blog entry written in extreme anger, is now going to be taken as etched in stone. As if nobody else has ever lost their shit and reacted to something by spewing venom. Like other dramas, it will have its half-life and then die out slowly, or it would if there wasn't such a pathological need to stir the shit. Stay tuned.
12.07.2007
Sandwich
I have officially become part of the Sandwich Generation. I have small needy children, and now I have a father who is dying, and it is not fun.
Dad has been a using alcoholic at least since his 30's if not before, and it is finally catching up with him. His liver is shutting down, he's bleeding internally, and I've been led to understand it's a matter of weeks, at best.
So: he's in south Texas, Zoe is in Florida, and I'm in the butt-guy state. Dad's cousin Chula is shouldering the load right now, which is made more complicated by the fact that she lost her own father a couple of weeks ago. RIP, Tio Joel.
So obviously one of us has to go there and help out. I want to see him and say goodbye. Zoe has the POA which she is barely equipped to handle, but she says she is going down there. Jon is still swamped with work, Emily has 2 more weeks of school, Max is absolutely the worst possible age/stage to take on a trip like this, and the anniversary of Hannah's death AND Christmas are bearing down on us.
Help.
Dad has been a using alcoholic at least since his 30's if not before, and it is finally catching up with him. His liver is shutting down, he's bleeding internally, and I've been led to understand it's a matter of weeks, at best.
So: he's in south Texas, Zoe is in Florida, and I'm in the butt-guy state. Dad's cousin Chula is shouldering the load right now, which is made more complicated by the fact that she lost her own father a couple of weeks ago. RIP, Tio Joel.
So obviously one of us has to go there and help out. I want to see him and say goodbye. Zoe has the POA which she is barely equipped to handle, but she says she is going down there. Jon is still swamped with work, Emily has 2 more weeks of school, Max is absolutely the worst possible age/stage to take on a trip like this, and the anniversary of Hannah's death AND Christmas are bearing down on us.
Help.
11.23.2007
pleasantly surprised
So after all that gnashing of keys, it actually turned out to be a nice day. We did the turkey/stuffing/mashed potato thing; it all turned out perfect and delicious. Emily helped with a few things, we sat around and ate cinnamon rolls and watched the parade, ate when it was ready, and even despite Max being whiny and uncooperative during the meal, it was a great time.
Then we went to Gary & Nesha's for pie and wine, which was also good. Although I had 3 big glasses of wine and had a minor headache this morning.
Today Jon went in and worked most of the day, but I braved the crowds and took the kids to the mall for a while -- actually got a parking space pretty close in, and the playground was the least-crowded part of the mall. Then a good dinner tonight (turkey tetrazzini), turkey stock made and put away, and all is good.
AND Emily is contentedly asleep in her bed wearing her pink-and-white handknit socks. That makes me very happy!
Then we went to Gary & Nesha's for pie and wine, which was also good. Although I had 3 big glasses of wine and had a minor headache this morning.
Today Jon went in and worked most of the day, but I braved the crowds and took the kids to the mall for a while -- actually got a parking space pretty close in, and the playground was the least-crowded part of the mall. Then a good dinner tonight (turkey tetrazzini), turkey stock made and put away, and all is good.
AND Emily is contentedly asleep in her bed wearing her pink-and-white handknit socks. That makes me very happy!
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