A little less chaos

Well, since the last:

1. My dad is still the same, but hanging in there.

2. My sister has her surgery date scheduled, and while scared witless at the prospect of major risky brain surgery, at least has something to work with and is not as depressed; in fact, she's going into work the next few days to straighten some last-minute stuff out (surgery is the 11th) and sounds a lot better when I talk to her.

3. Jon seems fine; dr's appointment was uneventful. Still waiting on bloodwork but essentially certain that there is nothing to be concerned about. We are feeling much better.

4. Emily is still potty-trained. One accident, in seven days. Un-fucking-real. She has expanded her horizons and will use facilities in such exotic locales as the library, the Y, other people's homes, the mall. She's woken up dry the last four mornings, and I will probably bite the bullet and stop putting a Pull-up on at night after another three or four dry mornings.

5. Out of nowhere on Thursday (well, not exactly out of nowhere; I'd made quite a snarky call to the home-warranty company a few hours prior), the most recent electrician showed up with a partner, double-checked the fan, removed the offending burned-out switch (where you could see the burn marks from the wires arcing), made plans to come back next week and install a new switch, and got it approved so that the home-warranty company will pick up the tab.

I can't believe we're already looking at the end of summer. Between the visit, my sister's surgery (which will also encompass a two-day Lake Michigan trip for just me, Jon and Emily to finally get to have SOME fun, plus meeting with our attorney and some product-liability attorneys -- much, much too long a story), Jon having to participate in the summer commencement -- an obligation which is handed around between all the newer faculty, and which has effectively cut what little "vacation" we were going to scrape together in August in half, not to mention two weeks of preschool day camp at the Y at the end of the month, AND preschool starting (thank GOD!), that's pretty much it.

Even as I'm completely relieved by the end of the diaper stage and the approach of school starting, it's also a reminder of how time has passed -- now Emily is at the beginning of the stage that Hannah was just ending when she died. And now a little more than half of Emily's life has been spent without her big sister.

It's a little like the premise of the movie Groundhog Day, which I didn't see, but if I understand correctly, something happens in the Bill Murray character's life which causes him to live the same day over and over again.

For us, it's the same thing on a four-year time frame. Five years ago, in June of 2000, we moved to a new town (Ypsilanti) with two-year-old Hannah, bought a house, settled into the area, made friends, got two-year-old to her third birthday, potty-trained, and off to preschool; had 2nd child after Hannah's 4th birthday; Hannah finished preschool and started kindergarten; Jon lost job, disaster ensued.

So far this past year ('04-'05) has been virtually identical in terms of major events and child development as 2000-2001 was for us.

It's completely irrational, but it does make me wonder if we're on some kind of weird cosmic'karmic schedule here. Are we going to have to go through this AGAIN in 2006? I just can't. I seriously don't think I'd survive another loss.

And yet I still want Emily to have a sibling. It's one of those things where, while I dread yet another pregnancy/infancy/toddlerhood marathon, I DO want two kids. The first three years would be as hard as they have typically been for me, with the added stresses of advanced(er) age and grief, but if we don't do this, would we really regret it 10 years from now? I think it's possible.

I understand that other options are adoption and/or fostering, but I am not very interested in pursuing those. Adoption is extremely expensive, not always guaranteed (especially domestic ones, where you make an agreement with a birth mother), and in the case of adopting an older child/special needs child, I have to be brutally honest with myself and admit that I am simply not capable of handling issues that an older/special needs child would bring. I wish I were stronger, but I have to know my limits to do this right.

Fostering would be hard on all of us, I think. Especially given some of the issues that a foster child might bring, plus the impermanence of it. The thought of bringing a child in, getting attached, and then perhaps having to let them go to another home or back to (bad?) parents is simply impossible. Again, we don't have the emotional resources we need to deal with this.

Aside from considerations like whether/when I want to go back to work (beyond the occasional freelance project), and whether it is even possible (depending on if the reversal worked and if I'm not already getting too old), it seems like the least complicated option is just having our own.

The things I have to get past, before I can do this (if it's even possible at all), is that I am still sort of attached to the idea that if we have another baby, I want another girl. I always wanted girls more, but I think now a lot of it has to do with somehow hoping that we would give birth to another Hannah. Especially since Emily, although she is very much her own person, is like Hannah in so many ways, even looking a lot like her. So it seems like that's the kind of kid we produce.

To have a boy would be such a huge adjustment, at least in the beginning. I think Jon would be happy with it -- he doesn't seem to have a preference at all, and unlike many men, doesn't seem to have any kind of ego investment in having a son for all those "carrying on the name" bullshit reasons; but once we were talking about it and I said that one thing about having a boy that would be an adjustment for me is that a lot of boy stuff just bores the crap out of me -- how everything is turned into a weapon at some point (trust me on this -- every single little boy I have ever known goes through this, and it doesn't matter how he was raised -- whether or not it passes DOES depend on how he was raised); all the action-figure super-hero stuff.

My best friend from age 1 to about age 11 was a boy, and we had a blast together (and I was NOT a girly-girl, ever) but I still remember how everything we drew or pretended or played together had to have some kind of vehicle, weapon, or action figure thing involved.

Jon said that he loved playing with Hannah and Emily but he did occasionally find all the "pink stuff" boring. Hannah wasn't really very "girly" and I don't think Emily will ever be, but just like little boys all go through the gun phase, just about all the little girls I've known (including myself) had at least a temporary brush with pink/Barbie/foofy stuff. Again, whether it passes or not seems to depend more on how the parents are -- I've met far too many grown women who are all pink/Barbie/foofy, and their mothers are generally more inclined that way too, from what I can tell.

People have said many things about me, but nobody has ever described me as a girly-girl, so hopefully it'll pass quickly with Emily (again, if she ever really gets into it to begin with -- she seems less interested in it than Hannah was).

In any case, it's ridiculous to prefer a particular gender for a child just based on that. But I do know that I would prefer a girl -- especially one along the same lines as Hannah and Emily -- and I have to find a way to let go of that before we make this decision.

The other, more serious concern for us, is that considering our (at least my) advancing age, the slightly greater chance that there might be something wrong -- especially if it's something life-threatening. I am going out on a limb here admitting this, but I honestly don't know if I'm up for that. I know many, many people deal with these issues with their children, but I don't know if I can. On the other hand, I have a tendency to catastrophize. Maybe it wouldn't be such a huge deal. But I have to be a lot more sure of what I can handle and what I can't, again, before making this decision.