In which the title of this blog becomes even more apt...

It's unconscionably self-centered and vile of me to be dwelling on this when there is a lot more genuine suffering and need out there that I could somehow help with. Things could be so much worse. I can be miserable in a comfortable home in a nice neighborhood with the benefits of: electricity, running water, food, internet and phone access, functional cars, loving and supportive husband, healthy and beautiful daughter, reasonable financial security and resources; extended family (at least figuratively speaking), good friends. I'm not sitting in a shelter in my own feces, dehydrated, starving, wondering where my child and husband are, injured and traumatized from watching my own home become submerged and destroyed.

But:

I have been feeling so utterly paralyzed/angry/depressed/non-functional, and I think it's the cumulative effect of the following: this time of year (school/halloween/approaching holidays); PMS; the hurricane; that I barely have any adult contact at all except for Jon in the evenings (while Emily does her damnedest to make sure we are unable to converse or accomplish any tasks without her interference); that my one really good friend here is going through some stress of her own and I don't want to lean on her any more than necessary; that I absolutely cannot even BE a parent any more -- all I do is yell and snap and threaten (as in "your toys are going in the trash if you don't pick them up"). She watches far too much TV and plays too many computer games, doesn't get nearly enough active outside time, because I just can't be bothered.

I think what I need is not just downtime for myself, but to finally start doing things that I'm actually interested in. Maybe find an art class or two -- I haven't drawn or painted in over 10 years, although I do graphic design work now and then. Start looking for a cheap-ish 2nd hand piano and start playing again -- took lessons for 10 yrs as a child/teen and really miss it. Something that intellectually challenges me, taps into my creativity and talent (I do have some!), that has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with being a parent or even a wife.

It's like I have no energy or motivation of any kind. I'm in one of those moods where even taking a shower seems like a huge effort and just too pointless to even consider. Despite being a foodie and an absolutely fantastic cook (no false modesty!), I have no interest in preparing meals. Granted, cooking every night and having to try to make sure your picky-ish three-year-old gets adequately fed does take its toll. But it's the kind of thing where nothing even sounds good -- looking at recipes, etc. it all sounds just kind of unappealing and tasteless. I do eat a bit more crap lately than I need to, but I think some of it is a function of the PMS.

Even reading, movies, etc. -- things that are never-fail remedies -- just fall short. Nothing I'm reading is interesting, nothing *sounds* interesting or intriguing. Most movies I get bored with halfway through; even if they're excellent I seem to have trouble concentrating and following a story.

I have no idea how to pull myself out of this. I have a fabulous therapist who is a great help, but I feel like it's at the point now where it would be a lot more helpful if he would just move in with us, or stay permanently connected by two-way radio or something. I'm on meds (Wellbutrin) but I think it's either the wrong dose or the wrong med -- it seemed to help for a while and now it doesn't at all.

I do want to do a permanent memorial of some kind, for Hannah -- like a website (is that permanent?!). What I wish I could do first is just get myself ORGANIZED -- just dig out from under the mounds of papers, files, old clothes, just plain CRAP that is littering up my house. I'd give anything to be on the Clean Sweep or Mission Organization shows; that's pretty much exactly what I need right now.