Pitocin flashbacks

Tomorrow is going to be Hannah's 14th birthday. That just blows me away. It was about 14 years ago at this exact time (4:30ish) that they decided to go ahead and start the Pitocin, after breaking my water and a few other things didn't get labor going properly. I had developed preeclampsia and they wanted to go ahead and get her out, but I was trying everything to avoid a Csection and they went along with our wishes. I felt nothing for about a half-hour, then the contractions went from 0 to 60 in about 5 minutes. I remember we were in the labor room watching Seinfeld, and one minute we were chuckling at it and the next minute WHAM, and it was full-on hard labor until 2:30 the next afternoon, April 17, a beautiful sunny day, when she was born. There had been severe storms and I think a tornado warning or 2 during that night, but I don't remember much at all -- it was grueling.

I posted this on her 10th birthday, but I'm thinking of it again... "It was an incredibly difficult labor -- we were trying to do a completely "natural" Bradley birth, despite being induced, so there I was with no epidural or pain meds, Pitocin contractions that felt like I was being ground up inside, and total fear and panic -- I think it took a long time to dilate because I was so freaked out I was subconsciously trying to shut down the whole process. I had nightmares about it for a little while afterwards.

I'd willingly go through every second of it again and again, if we could have Hannah back. Even if we couldn't, I wouldn't change it -- it was worth everything ten times over just to have had her in our lives."

 I can't even imagine what that would be like, to have a kid going into high school. I know she would be a beautiful girl like Emily. I suspect she would be fairly petite -- it looks to me like Emily is slated to be on the tall side -- but they would look similar, I think; slender, dark hair and eyes, delicate face, beautiful smile. She would be completely absorbed in art and creative endeavors, because that was her passion even back then. She would be a social butterfly but probably not a "queen bee". I don't know how she'd be on the boy/dating front (or girl/dating, I guess you never know) but I suspect she would probably have a lot of people who cared for her. 

She would be a fabulous big sister. She loved Emily so much, even when Emily drove her crazy. She was patient with her and loved trying to play "school" and teach her things, and one of her favorite games was to pretend that I was the baby, Emily was the big sister and she was the mom. It got pretty hilarious at times.

If we hadn't lost her, we wouldn't have ended up having Max, so that makes this a lot more complicated in many ways. But I know she would adore him too. I just wish there had been a way to have all 3 of them with us forever. I hate that he never knew her. He is starting to ask questions about her, mainly about the car crash; I'm not sure how much he understands of the idea that she was a big sister in the same way that Emily is. I know he will, in time. I know it will be different for him than Emily; he won't experience it as a direct loss in the way she does, but I imagine in some way he will mourn her.

I desperately wish I could go to Ypsilanti tomorrow and visit the rock, leave flowers, spend some quiet time and also visit our old house, her school, and just find a way to "be with" her again. It just isn't possible, though. I'd have to at least take Max with me, and Emily can't miss school right now (they're getting ready for stupid Ohio state tests and there's a shit-ton of homework). I hate so much that I can't be there. I'll ask Sandy to go by the rock and leave some flowers. I know she won't mind; she loved Hannah too and so did her son Dan.

It would be so much worse if we didn't have so many amazing friends who loved her and love us and who have never stopped giving us their support all these years. I think that speaks volumes about the kind of person Hannah was, more than anything. Her favorite song was one by Tom. T. Hall -- "I Wish I Had A Million Friends". I suspect if she had been able to live out her life, she may well have reached that goal and then some.